Grading the 2014 SB Nation/FootballScoop college football coach draft

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Wednesday, seven of SB Nation's college football staffers held COACH DRAFT with three of the coaching experts from FootballScoop. Thursday, Spencer Hall and Celebrity Hot Tub of SB Nation and Every Day Should Be Saturday assembled to judge all 10 staffs. Let's go through each staff, one by one.

Bill Connelly, SB Nation

Gus Malzahn Head coach, offensive coordinator
Kevin Wilson Quarterbacks
Jeff Monken Running backs
Doc Holliday Wide receivers
Mike MacIntyre Co-offensive line, assistant head coach
Rod Carey Co-offensive line
Craig Bohl Defensive coordinator
Kyle Whittingham Defensive line
Bill Snyder Linebackers, special teams
Bob Stoops Defensive backs
Larry Coker Director of football operations, wise old sage
Dan Mullen Strength
Shane Patrick Graduate assistant, Springdale High School head coach
Luther Campbell Graduate assistant, recruiting coordinator (duh)

Spencer Hall: Well, of course Bill drafted a perfectly sensible staff. Nerd.

Celebrity Hot Tub: What I like about Bill's team is that he built in a ton of cover for Malzahn if they struggle. Imagine the fans of this hypothetical program:

Year 1: "FIRE COKER"

Year 2: "FIRE MULLEN"

Year 3: "FIRE WHITTINGHAM"

And so on.

Spencer Hall: Dan Mullen's going to be an awful strength coach, though. His voice is far too smooth, and he walks without a limp from what might be an old war injury or rodeo accident.

Celebrity Hot Tub: Who's Uncle Luke going to get fired for some NCAA reasons? It's Bob Stoops, right?

Spencer Hall: My main concern would be a Coker/Campbell cabal splitting the staff into open warfare, but Bill's a step ahead of us. No one's outscheming Bill Snyder.

Celebrity Hot Tub: Bill Snyder will bury Doc Holliday, just like he did in 1887.

Spencer Hall: I give this an A-, with minor concerns about chemistry and everybody being so smart they might not recruit as well as they could.

Celebrity Hot Tub: I'm going to go slightly lower at B+, because I just remembered Luther Campbell and Kristi Malzahn are going to be at a cookout together.

Spencer Hall: Lighter fluid is more dangerous than anyone ever realizes.

Brian Floyd, SB Nation

Mike Leach Head coach, sports information director
Bob Stitt Offensive coordinator, innovator
Bryan Harsin Quarterbacks
Dana Holgorsen Running backs, refreshments
Steve Sarkisian Inside receivers, recruiting coordinator, boating coordinator
Tony Levine Outside receivers, special teams, assistant strength
Bo Pelini Defensive coordinator, staff mediator
Bret Bielema Defensive line, strength
Todd Graham Linebackers, team communications
Paul Petrino http://cdn1.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1819679/LEACH-F-U.gif
Hal Mumme Special assistant to the head coach
Beau Baldwin Some offense stuff and getting defensive coaches drinks
Joseph Smith Graduate assistant, defensive backs
Jared Lorenzen Graduate assistant, read-option specialist

Celebrity Hot Tub: A Dirty Dozen remake except everyone's Telly Savalas. Brian wants me to watch this team for the offense, but I'm paying attention for another reason: the sideline fights. Stop dangling your spit over Todd Graham's face, Bielema!

Spencer Hall: This is the only coaching staff here I saw that made me immediately rank the order of their inevitable deaths-by-feudin'. Like the paintball episodes of Community, but with real guns.

Bob Stitt just wanted to coach a little football and see his family. He didn't deserve this.

Celebrity Hot Tub: It's also unrealistic to think you can get Lorenzen on board if he can't also play quarterback. And be a booster. And a state senator. And the mascot.

Spencer Hall: Lorenzen, though I love him, goes first due to sheer target size; Harsin follows shortly afterwards. Graham and Petrino both follow their natural instincts and take to the ventilation system, where they take each other out chasing a stray nickel into a giant whirling fan. Dana lives for a while, because he falls asleep in a closet, but is picked off leaving his cover for Red Bull. Bielema, appalled by the pace of the game, refuses to run through a hail of gunfire and expires shortly thereafter. Pelini uses Smith and Baldwin as human shields to get to Bob Stitt and Paul Petrino, working in an uneasy alliance against Mumme and Leach. I don't know how the rest works out, but Steve Sarkisian ends up in a coffin meant for Lane Kiffin, and Hal Mumme reigns supreme.

Celebrity Hot Tub: Correction: There's a reason he's named after the supercomputer from 2001 and an undead Egyptian king. My grade: D. Bob Stitt just wanted to coach a little football and see his family. He didn't deserve this.

Spencer Hall: This is a dangerous, dysfunctional, and volatile mix of personalities. I give it an F for FIREBALL. Well-done, Brian.

Bud Elliott, SB Nation

Jimbo Fisher Head coach, offensive coordinator
Jim McElwain Quarterbacks
Scott Satterfield Running backs
Dabo Swinney Wide receivers, recruiting coordinator
Matt Rhule Tight ends
Steve Addazio Offensive line
Paul Rhoads Defensive coordinator
Mike London Defensive tackles
Ron Roberts Defensive ends
Mike Riley Linebackers
Paul Haynes Defensive backs
Todd Berry Special teams
Travis Trickett Offensive GA
Joey Jones Recruiting GA

Celebrity Hot Tub: BUD TIME! There's nothing more BUUUUUD than taking the head of your biggest conference threat and making him a position coach working under Jimbo. I'm just shocked Bud didn't also snag Will Muschamp as Vending Machine Supervisor.

Spencer Hall: No, that's a good move. There's like a thousand ways you can break those, and Will Muschamp would show you all of them. There is not an uncreased, unironed khaki on this staff. Just look at all that properly worn khaki.

Celebrity Hot Tub: I'm excited to see what Paul Rhoads can do in this position. If Bud's team can recruit as well as he's hoping, there's a possibility he'll turn this defensive coordinator job into a head coaching job. (At Iowa State. Destiny is not always a good thing, Paul Rhoads.)

Spencer Hall: Time's a flat circle, Paul Rhoads, just like the state of Iowa. I give this staff a B, because it's built to recruit well, win a title every now and then, and lose to NC State on the road.

Celebrity Hot Tub: I also give this staff a B, as [#FSUTwitter insists there's no way Jimbo could ever leave FSU for Bud's staff, even in a hypothetical, they'd pay him all the gold in Florida, which is hidden in the aquifer, by the molepeople]

Doug Samuels, FootballScoop

Chris Petersen Head coach
Kliff Kingsbury Offensive coordinator, quarterbacks, head of coaching gear
Dave Clawson Running backs
Gary Pinkel Outside receivers
Hugh Freeze Recruiting coordinator, inside receivers, head of video production
Brian Polian Offensive line, assistant recruiting coordinator
Derek Mason Defensive coordinator, defensive ends
David Bailiff Defensive tackles, Texas recruiting coordinator
Chuck Martin Linebackers
Curtis Johnson Strength, NFL liaison
Lance Leipold Offensive GA, tight ends
Chris Klieman Defensive GA, defensive backs
Bill Blankenship Special teams
Dan Enos Because I had to have one Michigan State connection.

Spencer Hall: Next! Doug Samuels.This is the one that's basically a roster of first names shaken loose from an English pub at 9:30. Oy, Derek! You puked on me curry! I've never been to England, and don't really want to go. That said, this is probably my favorite staff for diabolical scheming because of Mason, Petersen, and Kingsbury all on the whiteboard at once. Just leading the league in plays they didn't know were legal, for years running.

Celebrity Hot Tub: Alternatively, Jonathan Crompton decides to pay a visit to his former offensive coordinator, and oh god all the coaches have boils, lock the doors and just set fire to the building. No, this is a good lineup. There's only one real flaw (not that Jonathan Crompton's epidemiology isn't real, mind you) I can find: I give it a month before the "well why the hell ain't Kliff the head ball coach; he's so dang good with the kids, and isn't Petersen 74 or something?" talk starts. Give 'em an A.

Spencer Hall: You know what happens if you turn Kliff Kingsbury's collar upside down? You got yourself an A, long as you lay something stiff, solid and lifeless across it. Hey, THAT'S what Dan Enos is for!

Jason Kirk, SB Nation

Steve Mitchell, USA Today

Steve Spurrier Head coach
Mark Richt Offensive coordinator
June Jones Quarterbacks
Todd Monken Running backs
Matt Wells Wide receivers
Kirk Ferentz Offensive line
Mark Dantonio Defensive coordinator, defensive backs
Gary Andersen Defensive line, assistant special teams
Bob Diaco Linebackers
Scott Shafer Safeties, cold weather correspondent
Tim Beckman Cornerbacks, strength, SHOUTING
Terry Bowden Recruiting coordinator, special teams
Rob Ambrose Passing game assistant
Brian Bohannon Running game coordinator

Spencer Hall: Jason Kirk's staff has asked its doctor about a host of medications advertised on broadcast television. If you assembled this much chill, late-middle-agedness in one room, a Cracker Barrel would spontaneously appear over them.

Celebrity Hot Tub: But man, is this EVER Steve Spurrier's dream situation. Capable coordinators on offense and defense to minimize his workload. Bob Diaco to spot him in the gym. A Bowden to randomly prank. "Daggone, I just don't know who filled your car with corn cobs, Terry! Must'a thought you was a prize sow come straight from the fair."

Spencer Hall: This is the staff I'd most like to see solving mysteries together.

Celebrity Hot Tub: SPOILER: It's always Tim Beckman.

Spencer Hall: Beckman has to turn in his badge and gun, like, weekly. To the actual cops, because the court order forbid him from having one in the first place, and FEMALE BODY INSPECTOR is still not an official law enforcement position despite years of t-shirt lobbying. I give this staff a D for Dad.

Celebrity Hot Tub: I give it a C+, because you're still paying Kirk Ferentz his full salary. That's in the contract, and good luck arguing your way out of it. Kirk Ferentz sold Satan a used back massager for full price. Said it was "lived-in."

Luke Zimmermann, SB Nation

Kevin C. Cox, Getty

Urban Meyer Head coach
Mark Helfrich Offensive coordinator
Troy Calhoun Quarterbacks
Willie Taggart Running backs, Florida recruiting coordinator
Darrell Hazell Wide receiver
Paul Chryst Offensive line
Charlie Strong Defensive coordinator
Dan McCarney Defensive line, Ask-ask Dan McCarney (/Big Boi'd)
Al Golden Linebackers, Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Jerry Kill Defensive backs
P. J. Fleck Director of player personnel, aquatics
Kyle Flood Strength coach, absolutely nothing to do with recruiting
Vince Kehres Graduate assistant, Ohio whisperer
Dennis Franchione Graduate assistant, Newsletter editor

Spencer Hall: Luke's staff. Hoooboy.

Celebrity Hot Tub: Oh hey head coach Urban Meyer and defensive coordinator Charlie Strong hmm where have I seen that 41-14 41-14 41-14 41-14 41-14 41-14

Spencer Hall: Figures closeted Browns fans looking for a team to root for would want NFL-style retreads. Also, there's no way in hell Paul Chryst is going to work with a spread offense without committing suicide on principle.

Celebrity Hot Tub: Al Golden can help you with that.

[hands Paul Chryst tie off neck]

[tie spontaneously regenerates]

Spencer Hall: I give this staff an A if they quarantine Helfrich. You have to take Dan Hawkins contamination seriously if you want a high grade here.

Celebrity Hot Tub: My grade on Luke's: 41-14 HATER

Matt Brown, SB Nation

Nick Saban Head coach
Mike Gundy Offensive coordinator
Larry Fedora Quarterbacks, wide receivers
Frank Solich Running backs
Matt Campbell Offensive line
Jeff Quinn Assistant offensive line
Gary Patterson Defensive coordinator
[Brady] Hoke Defensive line
Rocky Long Linebackers, defensive line
Bronco Mendenhall Defensive backs, assistant defensive coordinator
Ruffin McNeil Defensive assistant, strength
Craig Candeto Offensive GA
Dave Doeren Defensive assistant
Joe Moglia Defensive GA, booster

Spencer Hall: Mine for Matt's staff is easy: no. F. Fail. Nein. No one likes Nick Saban football, not even Nick Saban.

Celebrity Hot Tub: Bray Hoke: typo or revelation that donkey-men can gain employment and contribute to the community?

Spencer Hall: Seriously, I'm done with Matt's. No one even wants to theoretically see that crap unless they can guarantee it's happening to Notre Dame.

[All further discussion of Matt's draft is vetoed]

Scott Roussel, FootballScoop

Les Miles Head coach
Art Briles Offensive coordinator, running backs
Rich Rodriguez Co-offensive coordinator, quarterbacks
Sonny Dykes Inside wide receivers
Butch Jones Director of recruiting, senior advisor to the head coach
Ken Niumatalolo Offensive line
Pat Fitzgerald Defensive coordinator, inside linebackers
Charlie Partridge Defensive line
Tim DeRuyter Outside linebackers, safeties
Bill Clark Cornerbacks
Rick Stockstill Outside wide receivers
Chris Hatcher Chief storyteller, assistant director of recruiting
Brian Jenkins Director of player personnel
Larry Blakeney Strength coach, senior associate head coach

Celebrity Hot Tub: Scott's, then.

Spencer Hall: I can't see the names on this list over the massive balls all over the place. This is what happens when you send a real alcoholic to the liquor store for a barbecue and they just come back with 10 bottles of Everclear.

MILES AND BRILES, Tuesdays on TNT!

Celebrity Hot Tub: One's a speed demon. The other thinks time is a joke. MILES AND BRILES, Tuesdays on TNT! I want this team to beat Matt's team by 30.

Spencer Hall: In the first quarter. The real connoisseur's touch here is Chris Hatcher on storytelling, and Butch Jones for clock management. Part of organizational management is countering weaknesses, and Scott clearly understands that. There's even a translator for Les here! Throw in one for Briles, and you have a United Nations of testicular footballarity. A+, would actually pay to watch.

Celebrity Hot Tub: Agreed. It's the Magic Mike of coaching staffs.

Steven Godfrey, SB Nation

Kim Klement, USA Today

Kevin Sumlin Head coach
James Franklin Offensive coordinator, quarterbacks
Bobby Petrino
Quarterbacks, chaplain
Mark Hudspeth Wide receivers, Orgeron v.2
Paul Johnson Offensive line, get off his lawn, calling the cops
Jim Mora
Defensive coordinator
Randy Edsall Defensive backs, recruitnlolololol
Tommy Tuberville [unknown]
Skip Holtz Special teams
Jeff Brohm Strength (Google "XFL Jeff Brohm")
George O'Leary Grumpy
Norm Chow why not
Bob Davie Graduate assistant, color man
Jackie Sherill Graduate assistant

Spencer Hall: Godfrey's ... wait, I see an uncorrected typo. That says "Skip Holtz," and ... oh god he has Paul Johnson, and what are you even doing here Steven? I don't even know if George O'Leary can leave the state of Florida legally.

Celebrity Hot Tub: [wakes up] I think Godfrey slipped Norm Chow in my drink.

Spencer Hall: The only parts of this that aren't total nonsense are A) Sumlin possibly holding this together, and B) Tommy Tuberville having no fixed job description.

Celebrity Hot Tub: And Bob Davie as "color man." Skin cancer is for real, kids.

Spencer Hall: I give this staff an incomplete because Petrino will leave before they make a nameplate for his office.

Celebrity Hot Tub: My grade:

Saget_medium

Zach Barnett, FootballScoop

David Shaw Head coach
David Cutcliffe Offensive coordinator, quarterbacks
Willie Fritz Running backs
Dino Babers Wide receivers
Charlie Weis Tight ends, team psychologist
Sean Kugler Offensive line
Will Muschamp Defensive coordinator, linebackers
Frank Beamer Defensive line, special teams
Mark Stoops Defensive backs
Brian Kelly Director of recruiting
Trent Miles Strength
Justin Fuente Offensive analyst
Glenn Caruso Graduate assistant/Midwest recruiting director
Pete Fredenburg Graduate assistant/Texas recruiting director

Celebrity Hot Tub: Nobody on this staff knows what an emoji is. But yeah, this is the staff you want to get you to a really good bowl game. Note: I didn't say to WIN a really good bowl game. Grade: B, for BOTARKUS Y'ALL DONE FORGOT ABOUT HOUSTON NUTT.

Spencer Hall: An Office Depot chair of a coaching staff. I know it works, and is a good deal, but man, there's just so much sad functionality here. The most puntworthy team on here. I give them a C for Citrus Bowl.

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