2014 college football standings predictions, custom-designed for massive homers

John David Mercer-USA TODAY Spor

Your team is going to win more games than anyone expects this year. Yes, this goes for all of you.

Dozens of college football teams will fail to reach bowl games this season. The number of teams that will not win a single conference all season long: 118. Half of the country's schools will lose to their most hated archrivals.

And these are just the disasters we know about ahead of time. There are others. The seven-loss traps are set, and teams with dreams of Playoff trips are going to stride right into them.

But right now is not the time to concern ourselves with reality. Here's what you need to know right now: your favorite college football team is going to rule ass this year. Your pieces are finally in place, your offense is clearly better, your defense cannot possibly be worse, and your rivals will have all spent their entire offseasons on crime, video games, flunking, potato chips, etc.

Your time is now, and the only people who can't see that are corrupted by personal hatred of you and the things you stand for. The things you stand for include winning championships in the year 2014 by being the best team.

Let us celebrate offseason homerism, which is not just homerism, but homerism that has about eight months to simmer in its own juices, becoming more and more homery with every spring practice report, recruit commitment, and local paper puff piece. By mid-August, we will all be honed into perfect victory-predicting machines, and weeks later it will hurt; it will hurt so bad.

It's only March, but by August, every single college football fan in the country will have talked himself or herself into outlandish possibilities for this season. Here are those possibilities for every FBS team, ahead of time.

ACC

ACC Atlantic Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Players buying in like never before? Strength program gains? Underrecruited freshmen pushing for playing time?
Florida State 100% Clemson survives until overtime Yes Yes Yes
Clemson 12-0 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
Louisville 12-0 Petrino only stays 10 years Yes Yes Yes
Syracuse 11-1 9-3 Yes Yes Yes
Boston College 11-1 9-3 Yes Yes Yes
NC State 10-2 Only upset FSU once Yes Yes Yes
Wake Forest 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
ACC Coastal Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Schedule easier than last year? Archrival about to fall off cliff? Pep in head coach's step?
Miami 11-1 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
North Carolina 11-1 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
Duke 11-1 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
Georgia Tech 11-1 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
Virginia Tech 11-1 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
Pittsburgh 11-1 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
Virginia 7-5 7-5 Yes Yes Yes

American


Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Is this the season this program's been building toward this whole time? Momentum from last year's finish? Prayed up?
UCF 12-0 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
East Carolina 12-0 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
Cincinnati 12-0 American Athletic Conference Yes Yes Yes
Houston 12-0 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
Tulane 12-0 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
USF 11-1 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Tulsa 10-2 8-4 Yes Yes Yes
UConn Handsomest coach 8-4 Yes Yes Yes
SMU 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Memphis Ribs 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Temple 8-4 Football DePaul Yes Yes Yes
Whoever else is here 7-5 7-5 Yes Yes Yes

Big 12


Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Get toughest opponents at home? Get young opponents early? Get thin opponents late?
Baylor 12-0 and win a lawsuit 12-0 and lose a lawsuit Yes Yes Yes
Oklahoma 12-0 10-2 Yes Yes Yes
Texas 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
Kansas State 12-0 8-4 Yes Yes Yes
Texas Tech 12-0 10-2 Yes Yes Yes
Oklahoma State 11-1 9-3 Yes Yes Yes
TCU Gary Patterson retweets a non-parody account 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
West Virginia 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Iowa State 8-4 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Kansas Andrew Wiggins stays 7-5 Yes Yes Yes

Big Ten

East Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Defense getting simplified? Offense more multiple? Special teams acknowledged?
Ohio State 12-0 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
Michigan State 12-0 12-0 with dishonor (scoring too many points) Yes Yes Yes
Penn State 11-1 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Michigan 11-1 8-4 Yes Yes Yes
Maryland 10-2 Already happened Yes Yes Yes
Indiana 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Rutgers Schiano return Schiano return Yes Yes Yes
West Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Bad taste in mouth? Chip on shoulder? Ants in pants?
Wisconsin 12-0, bowl loss 12-0, bowl loss Yes Yes Yes
Nebraska 12-4 8-4 Yes Yes Yes
Iowa 12-0 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Minnesota 10-2 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Northwestern 10-2 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Illinois NINE AND THREE SEVEN AND FIVE YES YES YES
Purdue




Conference USA

East Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Finally healthy after run of injuries? Pads really poppin' in spring ball? Roster finally knucklehead-free?
Marshall LOOK AT MARSHALL'S SCHEDULE JUST LOOK AT IT Yes Yes Yes
WKU 10-2 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
MTSU 10-2 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
FAU 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Old Dominion Who is this No one knows Yes Yes Yes
UAB 7-5 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
FIU heh 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
West Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Ignored by the national media? Gonna make the bloggers eat their words/hands? Exposing the liberal agenda?
Rice Fried Steamed Yes Yes Yes
North Texas 11-1 8-4 Yes Yes Yes
UTSA 11-1 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
UTEP 8-4 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Southern Miss Beard Favre 2012, 2013 Yes Yes Yes
Louisiana Tech 7-5 7-5 Yes Yes Yes

Independents


Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Have you seen our SCHEDULE? Have you SEEN our schedule? Have YOU seen our schedule?
Notre Dame 12-0 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
BYU 12-0 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Navy Beating Army 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Army Beating Navy 7-5 Yes Yes Yes

MAC

East Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome MAC #grind? Just need to get into the Playoff, then we're home free? Bahamas Bowl at absolute worst?
Bowling Green 12-0 MAC Yes Yes Yes
Ohio 12-0 MAC Yes Yes Yes
Akron Roo feared MAC Yes Yes Yes
Buffalo 9-3 MAC Yes Yes Yes
Kent State 9-3 MAC Yes Yes Yes
UMass 7-5 Allegedly MAC Yes Yes Yes
Miami 7-5 MAC Yes Yes Yes
West Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome MAC Team designed for Saturdays? Team designed for Wednesdays? Team designed for Tuesdays?
NIU 12-0 MAC Yes Yes Yes
Toledo 10-2 MAC Yes Yes Yes
Ball State 10-2 MAC Yes Yes Yes
Western Michigan Row feared MAC Yes Yes Yes
The other Michigans 7-5 Both MAC Yes Yes Yes

Mountain West

Mountain Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Weed legal here soon, probably? Gonna win bowl? Good at football?
Boise State 12-0 12-0 Yes LOL "bowl" Yes
Utah State 12-1* 9-4* No Yes Yes
Wyoming FCS Championship 7-5 Yes LOL "bowl" Yes
Colorado State 9-3 7-5 Yes LOL "bowl" Yes
Air Force 9-3 7-5 Yes LOL "bowl" Yes
New Mexico 7-5 7-5 Yes LOL "bowl" Yes
West Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Prepared to deal with brutal, 50-degree December games? Gonna bust the BCS? Even though there's no BCS?
Fresno State 12-0 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
San Diego State 11-1 You live in San Diego Yes Yes Yes
UNLV 10-2 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Nevada 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
San Jose State 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Hawaii 8-4 You live in Hawaii Yes Yes Yes

Pac-12

North Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Just needed one more year in the system? Just needed one more class of pretty good recruits? Just needed like one other thing too?
Oregon 12-0 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
Washington 12-1* 11-2* Yes Yes Yes
Stanford 12-0 10-2 Yes Yes Yes
Washington State fireball.gif popcorn.gif Yes Yes Yes
Oregon State 10-2 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Cal Hard to say College football Yes Yes Yes
South Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen 100010 110 0101010101 0100 1000 11? 1010 0 00 01 01010 101 010100 1010101111 1 1? 1010 1 00101 001 0010010101 0 100?
UCLA 12-0 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
Arizona State 12-0 12-0 Yes Yes Yes
USC 12-0 Next Yes Yes Yes
Arizona 11-1 Speed 2 Yes Yes Yes
Utah 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Colorado 7-5 7-5 Yes Yes Yes

SEC

East Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Victim of anti-SEC bias? Victim of anti-SEC bias? Victim of anti-SEC bias?
SEC East team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Yes Yes
SEC East team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Yes Yes
SEC East team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Yes Yes
SEC East team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Yes Yes
SEC East team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Yes Yes
SEC East team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Yes Yes
SEC East team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Yes Yes
West Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen In position to take advantage of hurry-up debate? Get Bama at home this year? Victim of anti-SEC bias?
SEC West team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Probably Yes
SEC West team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Probably Yes
SEC West team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Probably Yes
SEC West team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Probably Yes
SEC West team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Might be Bama Yes
SEC West team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Might be Bama Yes
SEC West team 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class 12-0, No. 1 recruiting class Yes Probably Yes

Sun Belt

Sun Belt Best possible outcome, also likeliest outcome Worst possible outcome that won't happen Sneaking up on everyone? Only problem: a little TOO underrated? Spunky?
UL-Lafayette LET EM KNOW 11-1 Yes Yes Yes
Arkansas State 12-0 Have to hire two new head coaches Yes Yes Yes
ULM 10-2 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
South Alabama 10-2 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Troy 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Georgia Southern State option champs 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Appalachian State Retain Michigan rivalry trophy 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Texas State 9-3 7-5 Yes Yes Yes
Idaho wait what yes yes yes
Georgia State someone help yes yes yes
New Mexico State why god why yes yes yes

*: Plays 13th game due to game at Hawaii. Probably wins both.

More from SBNation.com

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.