You made it. As of this week or so, the offseason is over. It's been 227 days since Alabama held off Clemson to win the 2015 national championship, and I'm sure you've been busy in the meantime. Work, vacation, working around the house and in the yard, reconnecting those human relationships you may or may not have neglected during the previous football season.
But starting this week, all that's behind you. Right now, you have to concentrate on getting right back into peak football-watching shape.
The week one schedule gives you a chance to dip your toes back into that water a little bit, but come September 1, the pedal is getting pushed to the floor and you'd better be ready. There's no reason to freak out, though, because I am here to help you get yourself in order before it's too late.
1. Get your game-watching setup in order.
Do you set up multiple TVs in your living room for a sensory overload game day experience? Well, then if you’re alright with your home looking like the electronics section at a Target, then go grab that tiger by the tail. But please, I beg of you, tie all your sundry cords and cables together so you don’t look like you’re living in some musty hacker den. It looks ridiculous.
2. Work out your food and drink rotation and stock up.
Get a bunch of your favorite food and drinks ahead of time, and build inventory. You don’t want to run out of life-giving victuals in the second quarter of the noon game.
3. Practice makes perfect.
It’s hard on the body going from the nominal activity of the summer to the strenuous inactivity of the fall. You’re going to hurt yourself if you slam on the brakes without slowing down first. Test yourself and see if you can go all day at work without moving except for eating and going to the bathroom. If a coworker takes issue with this, tell them it’s, like, reverse cross-training. If you make it sound enough like it’s CrossFit-related, people will probably want to just leave at that point anyway.
4. Prepare your hatin’ routine.
It’s been a long time since you got to cuss out your school’s rival after an embarrassing loss and/or a game in which they surely cheated to win. Take a couple minutes before the games start, and get your hatin’ game sorted out.
For some of you, this won’t take much time.
5. Make a schedule, and don’t deviate from it.
I start my fall Saturdays the same way every time.
- Wake up between 7:30 and 8 a.m.
- Enjoy a cup of coffee.
- Make jokes on Twitter about soccer for an hour or two.
- Flip over for the start of College GameDay just to hear "Comin’ To Your City," despite the fact that I really and truly hate that song.
- Take a shower.
- Eat breakfast.
- Make a snide comment about the GameDay guest picker, especially if it’s someone I’ve never heard of and who’s thus obviously popular with The Teens.
- Halfheartedly stoke excitement for a lunchtime third-tier Big Ten or ACC game.
- Kickoff!
6. Don’t be afraid to take a break.
Even the most eventful Saturdays have downtime. If it’s late in the window and nothing’s happening, get up and stretch your legs. Take your poor dog for a walk. Shocking the body with a moderate activity after it has settled in for a long period of sloth? That’s muscle confusion, baby.
7. Prepare for disappointment.
Sports are cool in that, most of the time, you’re left feeling disappointed and upset after it’s all over. For fans of most teams across the country, I’m sorry to break the bad news, but it’s going to happen again this year. Yep, to you. Gird your loins for the disappointment now, so you can more quickly recover and act like I’m Not Mad, It’s Actually Funny To Me.
8. Take a shower.
This may sound obvious, but wash yourself before the games start. If you roll out of bed late and sit down with the residue of Friday’s activities still upon you, you will feel like horrendous filth. You’ll have those stink lines coming off you and everything.
It’s gross. Seriously, take a shower.
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