Saturday, 12:45 GMT/7:45 AM ET; Upton Park
Neutrals tend to root for the underdog, and in this case the collective desire for a West Ham win likely has measurable mass. I mean can you even imagine how hilarious things will get if Chelsea loses this game? Louis C.K. and Patton Oswalt would have to retire because nothing they could do would ever come close to being so funny as the reaction from the Chelsea faithful.
Pick: Chelsea, 2-0
Arsenal vs. Swansea City
Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET; Emirates Stadium
Prediction: Arsenal and Swansea City will complete more passes in this game than Stoke City and Sunderland will attempt all season. Another prediction: Arsene Wenger will accuse Swansea of playing "anti-football" after the match.
Pick: Arsenal, 3-1
Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET; Craven Cottage
If any player has earned an unwelcome reception upon returning to his old stomping grounds it's Clint Dempsey, but it's really difficult to imagine Fulham fans being anything close to unpleasant. They'll probably just give him lukewarm applause and not congratulate him if he scores a goal.
Pick: Fulham, 2-1
Liverpool vs. Southampton
Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET; Anfield
Southampton is in desperate need of a win if they hope to pull themselves out of the relegation zone, but oh dear has their away form ever been horrible. Liverpool could similarly do with three points because everyone laughing at them is really starting to hurt Jamie Carragher's feelings.
Pick: Liverpool, 3-1
Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET; Etihad Stadium
City is still unbeaten in the league. That will probably end eventually, and Everton is good enough to be the team that pulls it off. Screw it, I'm just predicting upsets until they lose.
Pick: Everton, 1-0
Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET; Loftus Road
The 'Arry Era ('Arra?) began with Tuesday's 0-0 draw against Sunderland, a decent enough result but likely not the kind of thing the new manager will be looking for going forward. QPR has a pretty decent sized hole out of which to dig themselves, and wins are a much more effective way of managing that kind of thing. Luckily for QPR: Aston Villa.
Pick: Draw, 1-1
West Bromwich Albion vs. Stoke City
Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET; The Hawthorns
Wednesday was a fairly unpleasant day for the Baggies, but Saturday is going to be far worse because it involves playing Stoke City. I can't believe the UN hasn't banned them yet.
Pick: West Brom, 1-0
Saturday, 17:30 GMT/12:30 PM ET; Madejski Stadium
The script is pretty well written; United will struggle for large portions of the game, possibly even falling behind. In the end, they'll manage to do just enough to win and lots of people will talk about them being vulnerable. This will happen another 15 times this season at least, and when the year is over United will probably be champions. Repeat two out of every three years for the rest of eternity.
Pick: United 2-1
Norwich City vs. Sunderland
Sunday, 16:00 GMT/11:00 AM ET
There is at least a decent chance that Sunderland will end the week in the relegation zone. With the amount of talent on that team, such a state of affairs is inexcusable. Steve Bruce was sacked for less. How much longer does Martin O'Neill get before the same fate befalls him? (The answer is probably a lot longer because MON is a much better manager than Bruce.)
Pick: Norwich City, 2-1
Newcastle United vs. Wigan Athletic
Monday, 20:00 GMT/3:00 PM ET
Newcastle is not in good shape right now, and with Yohan Cabaye set to miss a significant amount of time it looks like things good get worse before they get better. Newcastle's mediocrity doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but given expectations they need to start playing much better football. Wigan, on the other hand, can keep right on doing what they're doing and be just fine. Context is like that.
Pick: Draw, 2-2