Our trading deadline was Friday, which means I spent the week being really glad I have an unlimited texting plan. After a preseason keeper/draft combo that left me with Doug Martin and Ray Rice, let's just say I've spent the last 11 weeks scrambling.
I had a few problems entering the week. Zac Stacy and Jason Witten were on byes this week; A.J. Green is on his next week, and trades were ending. I can't afford even one more loss if I still want to make the playoffs, so I had to make something happen. I ended up making four trades this week:
- Jason Witten, Danny Amendola, and DeAngelo Williams for Kyle Rudolph, Josh Gordon, and Andre Ellington
- Andre Ellington and Lance Moore for Stevan Ridley and Jordan Cameron
- Tavon Austin and Bilal Powell for Ryan Mathews and Santana Moss
- Donald Brown for Terrance Williams
It was all dumb, as my Stacy and Witten replacements entering the week would have been Brown and Coby Fleener, who in this league combined for 39.06 points. Bollocks.
Anyway, I watched Sunday's game with my brother Heath, and we discussed the trades. "I don't understand why you all make so many trades," he said. "To me, it just means you're saying you screwed up before."
I mean, sure, if you want to say having Martin and Rice after the draft is screwing up, I'll cop to it. But to me, there are two reasons I like to trade. First, I don't necessarily think trading is admitting I've screwed up. No team is perfect coming out of a draft, especially not in a snake-draft league where you can't control when someone else might get taken. There's always something you can improve, and it can't hurt to try. I'm not trading just to trade, but if I think I can improve my team, I don't see why I shouldn't go for it.
Second, trading is fun. If you have a no-trade or minimal-trade policy, then your entire post-draft season is little more than waiver-wire fodder. That's fine, sure, but it's so much more fun to discuss Drew Brees and Brandon Marshall than it is to consider Mike Glennon and Deonte Thompson.
Anyway, I know there are a lot of leagues whose trading deadlines don't come until this week. If you're in those, at least talk trades. Be willing to listen. It's more fun that way, dangit. It is.
Which brings us to the running diary for Sunday's early games:
1:02 p.m. - You want the first-worldest problem of all first-world problems? At Heath's house, the only available outlet for my laptop is to my right, several feet away under the TV. But my laptop power cord plugs into the left side of the computer. It doesn't quite stretch all the way over there easily. I have to either deal with an unruly cord or unplug my laptop and let the battery drain. Send FEMA!
1:06 p.m. - Heath's still a massive Jets fan, and spent the last hour talking about how Geno Smith was going to be a strong future quarterback, how getting Mark Sanchez off the books for next year meant good things for them, all that jazz. Two minutes into the game, Smith is hurt, and Heath is looking all sad-faced.
1:07 p.m. - That "Stacy's Mom" car ad plays a lot, killing that song for me, and now Heath has decided to sing it over and over and over and over and over. Only, he doesn't know the words. "Stacy's mom has got it going on./She's got it going on that is for real."
1:12 p.m. - I've seen nothing of Washington-Philadelphia, Detroit-Pittsburgh, or Atlanta-Tampa Bay. I have seen a lot of New York-Buffalo and Arizona-Jacksonville. I need to take away Heath's remote-control privileges.
1:13 p.m. - Six times now since the games' start, Heath has sung "Stacy's Mom." This time it was "Stacy's mom has got it going on/Stacy's mom has really got it going on." His creativity is dropping.
1:15 p.m. - I benched Brown and Fleener, as I mentioned earlier, but I did start Andrew Luck; my opponent, Cheek, started Kendall Wright and Chris Johnson (I'm a Colts fan and he's a Titans fan, just FYI). That means I'm entering today in a hole and need some help. On the plus side, Cheek is started Jermaine Gresham, so that was some help, I suppose.
1:19 p.m. - Santonio Holmes with a deep catch, so Happy 2009, everyone.
1:23 p.m. - Heath's abilities to align syllables while singing songs he doesn't know the words to are not impressive.
1:27 p.m. - Maurice Jones-Drew, touchdown. I'm facing him against Cheek, and benched him in the league I have him. Also, Nick Folk - my perfect-all-season free-agent kicker pickup this week with Dan Bailey on a bye - missed a kick earlier. This week is not shaping up well.
1:30 p.m. - So the Jaguars have marched straight down the field for touchdowns twice. It's like they're a real NFL team. This must be for Jacksonville fans what it was like for Geppetto when Pinnochio became a real boy.
1:34 p.m. - By the way, my fantasy team is named "Radioactive DK." Pronounce my initials like "decay" to see why it's the cleverest name in all the land. I made a logo of me smiling in front of a radioactivity symbol. It's the best.
(In my defense, I did the art for that logo literally on MS Paint, so I was a bit hamstrung, I'm not THAT bad at computers.)
1:38 p.m. - Weather delay in Chicago. The wussification of America continues!* (*I abhor this phrase, and I do not share this sentiment. Just wanted to cut it off at the pass.)
1:42 p.m. - "Stacy's mom has got it going on/All I want and something something else."
1:50 p.m. - Heath has Andre Ellington, Larry Fitzgerald, and Rob Housler all starting on one of his two rosters. I've never seen someone angrier at someone than Heath is at Rashard Mendenhall and Bruce Arians.
1:51 p.m. - Cheek just got a touchdown out of Jermaine Gresham, which was the surest thing in the world as soon as I had my mocking entry on him a half-hour ago.
1:58 p.m. - My winning streak, fantasy hopes, and reason for living (okay, not that one) are all likely to come to an end today. Yahoo! says I have an eight percent chance at winning, as of this moment.
2:04 p.m. - Jacksonville and Tampa Bay are currently ahead by a combined 31-10. Okay then.
2:07 p.m. - Heath, to his year-old daughter: "Brooklyn, wanna watch the Jets? The Jets are on!" He turns it to the channel just in time to see Geno Smith get tackled and fumble. I don't think Brooklyn wanted to see that, bro. Unless she's a smart kid and roots for the Colts like her uncle.
2:13 p.m. - I just want my fantasy team to go undefeated, the Colts to go undefeated, and everyone I play against to bow at my superiority, is that too much to ask?
2:21 p.m. - Seriously, I have 26.67 points today, with 21 of those coming out of my Bills defense. Nick Folk, Jordan Cameron, and the delayed-game Alshon Jeffery have combined for a super-awesome zero.
2:29 p.m. - I spent all morning trying to convince Heath that he needed to use anyone other than Randy Bullock as his kicker in his one-week salary-cap league. I finally did talk him out of Bullock, so of course Bullock just nailed a 51-yarder. Siiiiigh.
2:30 p.m. - Heath hadn't sung "Stacy's Mom" in a while, so I was guessing maybe it left his brain. Oh, what's that on the commercial? Siiiiigh, agaiiiiiiin.
2:37 p.m. - "Stacy's mom has got it going on/I'm facing the Bengals D and I am so sad." Hey, at least he got the syllables right.
2:47 p.m. - Calvin Johnson is Calvin Johnsoning all over the place. He's like if you made that Bo Jackson Tecmo Bowl thing real in today's NFL.
2:52 p.m. - Hey, Jordan Cameron caught things! I didn't know he could still do that!
2:54 p.m. - I also strongly advised Heath to start Alshon Jeffery over Santonio Holmes, who has 71 yards now. I should really find a website to publish my advice, shouldn't ... oh.
2:55 p.m. - Here's my question: Who the heck doesn't know the words to "Stacy's Mom"? Isn't that like wondering how the chorus to "All Star" goes? "Hey now, you're an all-star/you're really good at life." I feel like the lyrics to those songs are issued with your driver's license.
2:57 p.m. - Daniel: five percent chance. Cheek: 95 percent chance. Thanks, Yahoo! Can you serve some anti-depressants with that?
3:06 p.m. - I also spent a long time earlier this week telling Heath how bad I thought Rod Streater was, and Heath eventually traded him away. He has 86 yards and a touchdown. This feels scripted at this point.
3:11 p.m. - I'm up to six percent! That's a 20-percent increase in my chances! I can spin that information all sorts of ways!
3:13 p.m. - Heath has taken to forlornly moan "I hate Rashard Mendenhall" at random moments. Sometimes we aren't even watching the Cardinals games in those moments.
3:17 p.m. - My niece uses her nose to press the touchscreen on her tablet, which is pretty friggin' adorable, frankly.
3:18 p.m. - I feel like "great ride or great gas mileage" has nothing to do with "nuts or bolts," though I will say it would have been cool to be the kid in the commercial who got to ride the exploding water out of the pool.
3:20 p.m. - I picked up the Bills' defense as a streaming option for today, and they've scored me 16 points. Outside of that, my players today - A.J. Green, Josh Gordon, Jordan Cameron, Nick Folk, and the almost-back-from-delay Alshon Jeffery - have scored 13. Combined.
3:21 p.m. - As I write that, Josh Gordon goes 70-some yards for a score! So, I complain, people do well; I laud, they suck. It's a weird power, but it is a power. Just gotta learn to harness it.
3:28 p.m. - A Bills interception return for a touchdown brings me to a 34-percent chance. It's going to get just high enough for me to get my hopes up before squashing them, isn't it?
3:33 p.m. - (Thoughts while watching my niece with a banana.) Why do we call it "peeling" something when you take its outer layer off? If that is the "peel," isn't taking the cover off "unpeeling" it? Or perhaps "depeeling"? I feel like it should be. I also feel like I might have stumbled across a Mitch Hedberg routine with this line of questioning, but I really do wonder it.
3:39 p.m. - Heath just found himself absent-mindedly singing "Mendenhall has got it going on," before realizing what he was saying and shutting his mouth quickly. I can't help it, that kind of made the whole "Stacy's Mom" thing worth it.
3:47 p.m. - If you read last week's running diary, you remember me wondering what I should try to get Travis and Lindsey's kid to say for his first word. "Alshon" won the poll, and I was kind of trying already, so I've been practicing saying that in a kid-friendly way whenever he's involved in a good play. It's goofy, but I don't care ... Alshon!
3:56 p.m. - I don't even care, I like the Steelers' bumblebee uniforms.
3:57 p.m. - Entering today, the Buccaneers hadn't scored more than 46 in back-to-back games all season. They're at 41 in this game alone right now, with five minutes left.
4:07 p.m. - Okay, and now I must go to do some worky things. As always, remember that Stacy's mom does indeed have it going on.