When it comes to who’ll be wearing what (or whom, if you’re walking the red carpet) this week, we wonder if Tiger Woods will don his signature red and black on Sunday just out of habit as he watches the Masters from somewhere far, far from Augusta.
With the current world No. 1 recovering from back surgery and unable to take the field in the season’s first major for the first time since forever ago ETT (Eastern Tiger Time), the golf world was, of course, treated to what he WOULD have worn had he been healthy enough to go for that elusive 15th major title.
Seriously. WWTW: What Would Tiger Wear?
The thing that all major apparel makers do now for their golfing cash cows before elite events like the Masters is called "scripting," who knows why. It involves advertising players’ outfits months ahead of time, we guess so Joe Golfer tuning in from his recliner can identify who’s on the tee and run right out and attire himself in the same eye-catching threads as his hero so he can feel as if he’s right there on Magnolia Lane with his similarly fashionable buddy.
When did anyone start giving a damn about what PGA Tour golfers would be wearing for what tournaments? What is this, the Magnolia Prom? Would Rory McIlroy have to retire to the locker room to change shirts if he showed up on the range wearing the same costume as Nick Watney? And when (and more to the point, why) did "scripting" extend beyond the words that actors speak and into the retail world?
I mean, who could possibly enjoy the azalea-bedecked greensward of Augusta without the knowledge that young Rory will be sporting "the new Lightweight Innovation Color polo all four days of the tournament in a range of bold and confident colors ..." UGH! STOP! STOP IT NOW!
Thanks to Darren Rovell, everyone is totally aware that Nike (or actually, the behemoth’s retailers, who may not return unused inventory for refunds) hopes to the god of merchandising that you’ll still plunk down some $95 each for shirts in a rainbow of colors and $220 for limited edition TW ’14 shoes (green swoosh included) as part of the "Masters Collection" Tiger was slated to shrug into this week.
Fortunately, such idiocy sparked a humorous backlash on Twitter, with one wag coming up with a way to put an end to the insanity.
@JamieSlonisCG we should start a scripting jinx rumor: no player who has been scripted has ever won a Masters— Harry Arnett (@HarryArnettCG) April 7, 2014
The Black Knight weighed in with his take on the whole scripting lunacy.
But by far the sharpest jab at scripting came from a tour player who’ll be catching up on his ball-paying and grabbing some much-needed alone time while the other boys duke it out at Augusta for the ultimate in golfing haute couture, that bilious green jacket.