Tiger Woods Joins Twitter, World Kinda EXPLODES

If you stepped away from the internet for a few minutes today, you may have missed the big news: Tiger Woods, the most famous golfer on earth, has joined the most pointless social network in history:

What’s up everyone. Finally decided to try out twitter!

And he followed that introductory message with...

Yep, it’s me. I think I like this twitter thing. You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the love.

Sure, on its face, this looks like a pretty bland story. Who cares if Tiger Woods joined Twitter? That just gives him a new way to bore us to death. It's Tiger Woods, after all. That's what he does.

Of course, what Tiger Woods ALSO does is sleep with hundreds of women, have decadent, ambien-fueled trysts with porn stars, play poker all night with Michael Jordan, etc. Somewhere beneath the exterior that's been sanded smooth by corporate America, there's a gnarly beast of nature. A true Tiger, determined to make a mockery of convention, party like a rockstar and apologize to no one.

What would THAT Tiger's Twitter look like?

I am Tiger Woods. I am I am on Twitter. And I am newly single. #TimeToExperimentless than a minute ago via web

25,000 new followers in my first day! But how many of them r female?! A tiger can't change its stripes ;) less than a minute ago via web

What up world! Help me welcome my big bruh @TigerWoods to Twitter! Haaaa. Always gotta rep for my #NikeFamily ess than a minute ago via ÜberTwitter

They called him the next MAGIC, and he can't even beat Orlando! ---> RT @KingJames Always gotta rep for my #NikeFamily ess than a minute ago via web

Damn, my man @TigerWoods got some corny ass jokes. #Truth #NikeFamilyless than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

@KingJames I know we're all #NikeFamily, but I don't know about welcoming @TigerWoods to anything. #FamilyValuesless than a minute ago via web

@TimTebow Hey Tim, remember that night we went out and partied in Orlando after u guys won the title? #OhWait #YouSuckless than a minute ago via web

@TigerWoods Uh, sorry I didn't find the need to join in on the excesses w/ you and @Percy_Harvin. I get my spiritual nourishment from up above.less than a minute ago via web

@TimTebow ............and thats why #YouSuck ess than a minute ago via web

BTW, I get my nourishment from above 2. And below. And behind. Sometimes sideways. Ever had nourishment hanging upside down? #Nourishmentless than a minute ago via web

Tweeps, this waitress at Bennigans is so hot even @TheSergioGarcia would be interested. I wish I could get a pic. #Waitressatbennigans #DontTellNikeless than a minute ago via web

@TigerWoods What's that supposed mean, Tiger? less than a minute ago via Facebook

#LOL Ok that one was aight. "Sergio" #Pause RT @TigerWoods this waitress at Bennigans is so hot even @TheSergioGarcia would be interested.less than a minute ago via Twitter for iPhone

@nonamejane hey, yu like getting your hair pulled? i bet u do. i KNOW u do. U wanna come to Bennigans? less than a minute ago via web

Whoops! That was supposed to be a DM. Still getting used to this new Twitter thing :) less than a minute ago via web

Gross. #GetTested RT @TigerWoods U wanna come to Bennigans? less than a minute ago via web

Feeling lonely, ladies. Ever been with a Tiger? #RAWRRRless than a minute ago via web

Ew. Is this the grossest man in the universe? RT @TigerWoods Feeling lonely, ladies. Ever been with a Tiger?less than a minute ago via web

Tigers have feelings too, you know. less than a minute ago via web

Tigers have needs. less than a minute ago via web

Even Tigers need to be loved sometimes. less than a minute ago via web

This Tiger feels all alone right now. Maybe this Tiger should just take a permanent #TigerSnoozeless than a minute ago via web

@TigerWoods Eldrick, have you read my memoir on leading a winning life? Here's a link: http://amzn.to/doyPHXless than a minute ago via HootSuite

@TigerWoods The feelings ur feeling right now are natural. But feelings aren't facts, Eldrick. If u follow Him, rest assured, He will Forgive.less than a minute ago via HootSuite

@TigerWoods A life of lust leads us to loneliness, Eldrick. I think u see that now. We need something more. Something bigger. Something higher. less than a minute ago via HootSuite

@TigerWoods It's not my place to mettle, but with all due respect to Hank Haney, the Lord is the best swing coach in the universe. less than a minute ago via HootSuite

@TonyDungy Jeez Coach. Easy with the @ replies. I was kidding earlier. #DontTellNike but I'm at Sapphire in Vegas. Chuck's here 2. we're not lonely... :) less than a minute ago via web

@TigerWoods Don't run from the emptiness, son. It's okay if u are feeling lost and loney right now.less than a minute ago via HootSuite

@TonyDungy Coach, I'm good I think. I just became the mayor of #SapphireGentlemensClub on @Foursquareless than a minute ago via web

UH OH! MJ just got here... And you how Mike is... No cell phones allowed anymore. Night night, Tweeps. less than a minute ago via web

VEGAS, BABY! VEGASSSS #PassTheAmbien #justdoit less than a minute ago via web

 

See? Tiger's not nearly as boring as you thought...

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