If you stepped away from the internet for a few minutes today, you may have missed the big news: Tiger Woods, the most famous golfer on earth, has joined the most pointless social network in history:
What’s up everyone. Finally decided to try out twitter!
And he followed that introductory message with...
Yep, it’s me. I think I like this twitter thing. You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the love.
Sure, on its face, this looks like a pretty bland story. Who cares if Tiger Woods joined Twitter? That just gives him a new way to bore us to death. It's Tiger Woods, after all. That's what he does.
Of course, what Tiger Woods ALSO does is sleep with hundreds of women, have decadent, ambien-fueled trysts with porn stars, play poker all night with Michael Jordan, etc. Somewhere beneath the exterior that's been sanded smooth by corporate America, there's a gnarly beast of nature. A true Tiger, determined to make a mockery of convention, party like a rockstar and apologize to no one.
What would THAT Tiger's Twitter look like?
I am Tiger Woods. I am I am on Twitter. And I am newly single. #TimeToExperiment
25,000 new followers in my first day! But how many of them r female?! A tiger can't change its stripes ;)
BTW, I get my nourishment from above 2. And below. And behind. Sometimes sideways. Ever had nourishment hanging upside down? #Nourishment
@TigerWoods What's that supposed mean, Tiger?
@nonamejane hey, yu like getting your hair pulled? i bet u do. i KNOW u do. U wanna come to Bennigans?
Whoops! That was supposed to be a DM. Still getting used to this new Twitter thing :)
Feeling lonely, ladies. Ever been with a Tiger? #RAWRRR
Ew. Is this the grossest man in the universe? RT @TigerWoods Feeling lonely, ladies. Ever been with a Tiger?
Tigers have feelings too, you know.
Tigers have needs.
Even Tigers need to be loved sometimes.
This Tiger feels all alone right now. Maybe this Tiger should just take a permanent #TigerSnooze
@TigerWoods The feelings ur feeling right now are natural. But feelings aren't facts, Eldrick. If u follow Him, rest assured, He will Forgive.
@TigerWoods A life of lust leads us to loneliness, Eldrick. I think u see that now. We need something more. Something bigger. Something higher.
@TigerWoods It's not my place to mettle, but with all due respect to Hank Haney, the Lord is the best swing coach in the universe.
@TigerWoods Don't run from the emptiness, son. It's okay if u are feeling lost and loney right now.
UH OH! MJ just got here... And you how Mike is... No cell phones allowed anymore. Night night, Tweeps.
See? Tiger's not nearly as boring as you thought...