Full Coverage Of The 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony

Olympics Opening Ceremony Taught Us 5 Things About The World

NBC used its coverage of the Olympics opening ceremony on Friday night to teach America five super important facts about the rest of the world.

2012 London Olympics Opening Ceremony Snubs Atlanta, Los Angeles

Despite Tape Delay, NBC Breaks Records For Opening Ceremonies (UPDATED)

Boring Olympic Opening Ceremony Should Bar London From Hosting For 68 More Years

It's hard to imagine that the Brits would outdo the Canadians for "worst opening ceremony in memory," but they found a way to do it.

Opening Ceremony Fireworks Look Amazing Sped Up

The fireworks during the Opening Ceremony were pretty great at normal speed on Friday. But let's speed them up a bit and see what happens.

Yeah, this is pretty amazing. Could probably stare at it all night!

Great Britain Makes It Rain

Best way for the host country to make an entrance during the Opening Ceremony? By making it rain with seven billion pieces of shredded paper, of course.* Great Britain does it up big.

Of course, if this was in America, those would be dolla dolla bills y'all, because U-S-A! U-S-A!

*Bob Costas said seven billion. Might be exaggerated.

Wings On A Bicycle. Step Off.

Alright, yes. If you rode this during the day through your average American suburb, you would be laughed at, yelled at and honked at. Things would be thrown at you. People would call you a h*****-faced g***in' **.

But if you rode this at night? NOBODY WOULD **** WITH YOU. If I had one of these get-ups, I'd be racing cars to red lights, banging on their cars like a rabid angel, the whole deal. God, these are awesome.

Togo Is Russell Westbrook: The Country

A Country Called Niger Brings Out The Worst Tweets

You probably don't want to search for "Niger" on Twitter. It's not a good idea, and if you saw it trending, you knew bad things were coming. Because it's Twitter. Of course people are going to be stupid.

But hey, let's take a look-see, shall we?

Lol there is a country named Niger looks a lot like nigger

— Lindsay Naphy (@LindsayNaphy) July 28, 2012

I accidentally said nigger instead of Niger

— Pauly Deen (@cuatropezons) July 28, 2012

when I saw niger I thought it sais nigger

— Emili Novelli (@Em_Fizzy) July 28, 2012

Do we get the word nigger from.niger or nigeria?!

— The Heartbreak Kid (@kanye_winfrey) July 28, 2012

Niger, please.

— Phil Coke's Brain (@PhilCokesBrain) July 28, 2012

'Niger' trending on Twitter, thought it was nigger at first

— PerryThePlatypus(@Charlie1337) July 28, 2012

There were more and that's just a small sampling. But come on people, this is why we can't have nice things (or social media).

Slovenia Fields 'Planet Fishing' Olympic Team

God, what frightening entity are you fishing for if your bait is the planet Earth? Going with a) an asteroid, or b) Jimmy Eat World.

Palau Wins The Swag Award

I was getting ready to dump on this dude and then I just put down my snarkin' knife and pitchfork because I realized I was in the presence of the king.

Thirty Three Short Reviews Of Olympic Delegations

And now, 33 short reviews of national delegations and their clothes.

Cameroon: Our outfits are a traditional print called "to hell with your television."

Canada: "WE DID THIS AT THE LAST MINUTE GUYS SO SEW-REE ABOOT THAT."

Cayman Islands: Five blue jackets, $500 billion offshore dollars in each.

Chad: Sadly, not one lonely man named Chad from Alabama, Mississippi or anywhere else where guys just get named Chad for some reason.

China: Not one athlete smoking while entering, totally fake, come on sheeple.

Congo: Costas: "And this is the delegation from Congo, the [reads CIA Factbook country summary] [hangs self]"

Costa Rica: "We have a passion for beig."

Croatia: "You try and match something with checkerboard, jerk."

Czech Republic: "Galoshes were on sale, y'all."

DPRK: "[Eyes unguarded exits]"

Democratic Republic of Congo: [Bob Costas kills self twice]

Djibouti: There's a woman wearing a gold veil, which is the ballingest form of visual impairment ever.

Ecuador: Just there to represent the hell out of the Prime Meridian's eternal rival.

Estonia: Appeared to be microwavable jackets you can also use to cook vegetables.

Fiji: SHIRTLESS! A NATION OF TROPICAL MCCONAUGHEYS!

Finland: Jackets patterned after the preferred music of the nation, endless white static.

Former Yugoslav Republic of WHATEVER YOU READ IT FOR YOURSELF:

France: Sadly, no William the Conqueror references on their clothing.

Georgia: Outfitted in cheap mafia surplus.

Germany: Jackets are made of delicious fruit roll-up.

Hungary: Outfits indicate country is the Mexico of Eastern Europe. Goulash fiesta for all!

Independent Olympians: Notre Dame, stop it what are you doing there...

India: Ain't lying. I'd wear a turban every day if I could just to avoid messing with my hair. #realtalk

Iraq: In ill-fitting tracksuits, just like the dude who owns the Dunkin' Donuts in your neighborhood.

Israel: Shaving the Star of David into the side of your head? That kind of enthusiasm makes you eligible for SEC membership, Israel.

Italy: Couldn't see outfits, writhing on ground begging for yellow card.

Jamaica: Your ladies wear yellow print and your abbreviation is JAM, WHY DON'T I LIVE THERE?!

Kazakhstan: Flag-bearer bore strong resemblance to evil Power Rangers Megazord.

I approve with extreme enthusiasm.

Kiribati: Wearing old CBA warmups, and there's nothing wrong with that.

South Korea: Slim tie and tiny hats tell me Tommy Hilfiger still makes a metric buttload of money in your fine nation.

Luxembourg: A shoo-in for a gold in "banking."

Malawi: Bob Costas called it "the warm heart of Africa." No country is referred to as "the cold heart of Africa," but that's definitely Somalia.

Marshall Islands: "That's some crap, four athletes ain't close to a thundering herd."

/fin

Marshall Islands' Outfits Apparently Designed By Vince McMahon In 1992

There are all kinds of revelations tonight. Like, there's a country called "Mauritius"! A whole country is called that! That's wild!

There's also a place called the Marshall Islands, and their costume designer apparently worked for the old WWF during their most racially-insensitive modern era -- the early 1990s.

Yep, grass skirts, "warchief"-style shoulderpads. How in the world is this not a parade featuring Jimmy Snuka, the Headshrinkers and Saba Simba?

We Are All Independent Olympic Athletes

Three athletes came to the Olympics under the Olympic flag, otherwise known as Independent Olympic Athletes. They come from South Sudan and Netherlands Antilles, and are just happy as hell to be in London. Really, their entrance into the Olympic Stadium during the Opening Ceremony was the best, and it's not particularly close.

While most athletes stoically walked around the stadium or whipped out camera phones to record the action, these three decided to have a party. Everybody dance!

This is how it should be anyway. The Opening Ceremony should be a dance-off. A colorful, athletic dance-off.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be rooting for the Independent Olympic Athletes. And you should be, too.

Former Yugoslav Republic Of Macedonia Is Clearly Labeled

Sometimes, you need a nice, clear, handy label so everyone knows who you are. Concise is usually best, but in a pinch, strap your three-line country name to your back and go paradin'.

YOLO, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. By which I mean "Yugoslav Oughtta Leave Out (some words next time)."

What Is Your Opinion On Countries?

Because there are a lot of them marching through the Opening Ceremony right now, and you'd probably better prepare some sort of official position on the matter. If you need to school up, please allow the Animaniacs to assist you.

Czech Republic Puts The Boots To The Olympics Opening Ceremony

It rains a lot in England, obviously. This is apparently the only thing the Czech Republic was going on when they put together their outfits for the opening ceremony.

Everyone make sure to bring your galoshes! What do galoshes go well with? Shorts, obviously:

Really nice of the Czech Republic to take one for the United States and actually find a way to make Crocs seem dignified. Well, almost.

Australian Flag Bearer Mesmerized By Own Flag

MUST FOCUS. COME ON, SHEILA, DON'T BLOW THIS. YOU GOT ONE JOB TO DO. BACK, FORTH, BACK, FORTH, OH THAT'S THE WAY WE WAVE OUR FLAGS.

Oh, crikey, flag. I wish I knew how to quit you.

Dark Horse Candidate: Austria

You thinking about putting money on the Olympics this year? Of course you are. If you need a dark horse or longshot pick, think about doubling down on Austria. They should be pretty solid this year considering that Arnold Schwarzenegger really let himself go during his tenure as governor of California.

This means that sweet, sweet supply of HGH will now no longer be shipped directly to Schwarzenegger's house in Malibu, but will be distributed among the populace of his home country.

Say what you will about the man, but his new floppy manboobs are a sacrifice he is making for the good of the Austrian Olympic team. God bless you, Schwarzenegger.

VIDEO: Queen Elizabeth Parachutes Out Of A Helicopter

We've already established that the combination of James Bond, corgis and the Queen won the Opening Ceremony. And while that remains true, we didn't give you the whole story.

The Queen and James Bond climbed into a helicopter, waved goodbye to the corgis (how could you leave them, look at those faaaaaaaces) and made their way to the Olympic Stadium ... where they PARACHUTED OUT OF THE HELICOPTER!

This looked pretty neat, of course, because hey -- people jumping out of a helicopter. But the way Matt Lauer tried to sell it as though it were actually the real Queen jumping was ... well, it reeked of "heh, the kids are gonna love this, watch this youtubes go viral."

"Lemme see what my script here says ... ahem ... 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!'"

David Beckham Takes Gold In Smug

Gadzooks, what a handsome bastard David Beckham is. He may not know that's not a car, but a boat. He may not be able to perform basic maths (hullo British readers.) He may not even know where he is right now. It doesn't matter, because David Beckham is basically the Minister of the Smugchequer, and could keep the Pound afloat through sheer unbridled confidence and smirking. (P.S. David Beckham has no idea where he is going. Please send the British Navy after him, as he will run out of gas before reaching the French coast.)

God Save The Queen From Boredom

The Queen already jumped out of a helicopter (okay, maybe not quite) and shot a scene with James Bond. So I guess it makes sense that she's bored with all this dancing and singing in front of her.

That's some kind of glare. I think she's mastered sleeping with her eyes open.

Mary Poppins Enchants Children At The Opening Ceremonies

"Oy, 'ello! 'Oo arr youuu?"

"I'm Mary Poppins. I'm here to fight the evil wizard Voldemort at center stage."

"Oi, roight. 'Ow you gonna do that?"

"I have a bag you can stuff anything in. I can also fly and speak to members of any social class without fear or awkwardness."

"Really? Are you sure you're British? Because the first two I buy, ma'am, but the last one seems roight fanciful."

"Shh. I'm actually American."

"Roight! So you gonna put him in that bag with your powers, eh?"

"American, son. Voldy's taking two in the dome from his heat, son."

"Right-o!"

Mike Leach Appears At Olympics Opening Ceremony, Performs Bitchin' Guitar Solo

The opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics has been chock-full of cameos and guest appearances, including none other than Washington St. Cougars head football coach, Mike Leach! Did you know that Leach performs amazing lead guitar, particularly if an army of Mary Poppinses is showing up to battle a 40-foot-tall inflatable Lord Voldemort? It's true! See for yourselves.

You may think you've seen leadguitarface before, but my friends, THAT is how you leadguitarface. This VERY NEARLY gives Bassface a run for his money.

For more on the Olympics, visit our dedicated 2012 London Olympics hub.

Inflatable Voldemort Is Here To Give You Balloon Nightmares

There were rumors going around before the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony that Mary Poppins would fight Voldemort. That sounded ridiculous, stupid and way too awesome than what usually happens, so no one really thought it would happen.

Then, an hour into the tape-delayed NBC show, sure enough: GIANT INFLATABLE VOLDEMORT!

Straight up just avada kedavra'd a whole section of the stadium there. It's okay, that's where they sat all the plucky London street urchins, who are really starting to become a problem. No one ever talks about that, though.

Loving the breakdancing nightmare henchmen down below, too. Just B-boying it up like gangbusters, as though there's not a massive balloon dark lord shooting fireworks out of his death-staff.

For more on the Olympics, visit our dedicated 2012 London Olympics hub.

2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony: GOSH, You Guys

This is a pretty neat opening ceremony so far, you guys. I mean, gosh.

I'm just so overcome with emotion. I mean, gosh!

I'm kind of at a loss for words with everything you guys did. You really shouldn't have! I mean, I'm way over here in America and -- gosh!

GOSH

For more on the Olympics, visit our dedicated 2012 London Olympics hub.

Corgis Win The Opening Ceremony

The Queen Elizabeth + James Bond + Helicopter skydiving was probably the best moment of the Opening Ceremony -- at least so far. It wasn't just the ridiculousness of it all, though it was most ridiculous. No, it was the corgis. The wonderful corgis.

Hello Bond and two adorable corgis.

Corgis on the stairs! This is so much better than slinkies!

This is where everybody, all at once, says "awwwwww!"

And we end it all with an adorable corgi shot.

Goodbye corgis. We'll miss you.

Before You Die, You See The Olympic Rings ... Or Whatever

The worst seats at the 2012 Olympics opening ceremony? Definitely the section directly below this:

ARGH OH GOD HOT MOLTEN DEATH I MERELY WANTED TO SEE MUUUUUUUSE

They should have known this was going to happen, because Randy Orton came out on the entrance ramp right beforehand. (Not really.)

So hypno--AGH!--tic.

For more on the Olympics, visit our dedicated 2012 London Olympics hub.

But Tonight, She's A Bond Girl

"But tonight, she's a Bond Girl."

Not my first thought, or anyone else's, Matt Lauer. But I'm not the one making $30 million a year.

Presenting The Ultimate Kenneth Branagh GIF

Kenneth Branagh appeared at the opening ceremony for the 2012 Olympics in inimitable fashion. He appeared as only Kenneth Branagh could appear, leaving us with this, the ultimate Kenneth Branagh GIF. BEHOLD:

Nice of them to import Branagh and the entire set from the stage version of The Prestige for the event. LOOK OUT, KENNETH, THERE IS A TRAP DOOR AND A VENGEFUL DOPPELGANGER BENEATH THAT STAGE. (Spoilers.)

For more on the Olympics, visit our dedicated 2012 London Olympics hub.

The Opening Ceremony: Keep Calm, It's Not Live

The opening ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics in London began with a televised ode to measurement. Per NBC, the British are known for coming up with the concept of time, speed, punctuality, distance and every other metric you fail at in life. Thanks for making the bricks and mortar of the world's terrible self-esteem, England. You're a peach.

Ewan McGregor and Emily Blunt narrated shots of impossibly beautiful athletes moving in slow motion. The Tower of London was mentioned without mentioning how the place was basically one big jewelry storage/torture box for the monarchy, and then something something Michael Phelps flexing in a pool. Then XBox Bob Costas appeared. Bob Costas in HD resembles the fake newscaster in Tom Clancy-themed video games, but instead of telling you how Armenia has been taken over by terrorists and needs Biff Thunderhorse and his special SEAL team to kill everyone there, he introduced Tom Brokaw, who then got everyone good and terrified about terrorism. He then embraced a wild meme let loose from the internet.

And that is how NBC welcomed you to the games: chalk cliffs, terrorism scares and just way, way too many singing children. Then everyone started playing a live-action game of Civilization. It is, for lack of a better word, neat.

Work It, Girls

The 2012 Olympics opening ceremony features recreations of some of the greatest moments in British history. Moments like ... uh ... this!

Truly, one of the greatest British moments: a scene from Victory Hugo's literary classic Les Miserables ... about the French revolution.

For more on the Olympics, visit our dedicated 2012 London Olympics hub.

PHOTO: Yes, The Opening Ceremony Had A Cricket Match

In perhaps the most British thing ever, the Opening Ceremony preshow included an real-life, actual cricket match.

(Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

Gangs Of Top Hat-Wearing Victorians Exhibit British Kung Fu

The Opening Ceremony is featuring droves of downtrodden workers carrying sections of fencing down a makeshift "English countryside." This is basically exactly what the equestrian events would look like if horses were abolished.

And then, all of a sudden, VICTORIAN TOP HAT GANGS OF NEW YORK-STYLE BRITISH GANGS!

OH NO! LOOK OUT! THE ABRAHAM LINCOLNS ARE WIELDING THEIR KUNG FU!

ADVANCE TOWARD US, KNAVE. ADVANCE TOWARD US.

For more on the Olympics, visit our dedicated 2012 London Olympics hub.

Kenneth Branagh Quotes 'The Tempest,' Is Not Holding 'The Tempest'

Early in Friday night's London Olympics opening ceremonies, actor Kenneth Branagh opened by reading a passage from Shakespeare's "The Tempest." The lines, which are sure to warm the cockles of any true Englishman, are below.

Hello, I am Kenneth Branagh,
And they handed me this book to hold as a prop while I was up here.

It is almost definitely the kind of book you would read on the shitter.
It's too big to be a regular book that you would just read in the living room or something.
Maybe an Onion anthology. Could even be a guide to how to identify leaves.
I don't know, something light and easy-to-read. That's important when you're crapping.

Bye, guys.
Have as many Olympics as you can.

- William Shakespeare's "The Tempest"

Olympic Cauldron Lit In Unique Way At Opening Ceremony

The honor of lighting the Olympic Cauldron at the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympic Games on Friday went to a group of young athletes nominated by British Olympic champions. While most thought rower Steven Redgrave (who carried the torch into the stadium), famed mile-runner Roger Bannister, Queen Elizabeth III or noted soccer enthusiast David Beckham were set to light the torch, organizers went a different direction. And it was actually pretty incredible to watch.

Here's the cauldron, which consists of 204 individual petals representing each competing nation. Now let's all be amazed:

Trippy as heck, right?

The 2012 London Summer Olympics opening ceremony was an outright success (or so I heard through perfectly legitimate sources), filled with frippery and cameos from all of your favorite adorable British celebrities. The torch was lit following the parade of athletes with their respective nations.

With the lighting of the cauldron, the games have now officially begun. You can catch medal events in archery, cycling, fencing, judo, shooting, swimming and weightlifting on Saturday. The games will run through the closing ceremony on Aug. 12.

For more on the Olympics, visit our dedicated 2012 London Olympics hub.

Team USA's Beret Not A Hit On The Internet

PHOTO: Opening Ceremony Is Indeed A British Countryside

Who Will Light The Olympic Flame At The Opening Ceremony? Maybe The Queen!

Opening Ceremony Drinking Game: Prepare To Get Bladdered Off Your Arse

The Opening Ceremony for the London Olympics may be the Most British Thing Ever. It deserves a drinking game to inspire our cheapest, most insulting Cockney accents.

2012 Summer Olympics Opening Ceremony: Time, TV Coverage And More

London's newly built Olympic Stadium will be the setting for the 2012 Summer Olympics Opening Ceremony on Friday night.

Follow @SBNOlympics

2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony Will Feature Goats, Geese And Sheep

The opening ceremonies for the 2012 Olympics will feature live animals as part of a large depiction of the British countryside.