Let's start this story with the best out-of-context quote in sports history.
#Texans' DeAndre Hopkins: "It's not my genitals."— Brian T. Smith (@ChronBrianSmith) November 13, 2013
So, apparently, somebody posted a picture of somebody masturbating on DeAndre Hopkins' twitter account. This, four years ago, would have been the most hilarious thing in the world to me. However, it's 2013, and a) every single person in the world has social media and b) like, 80 percent of those people have sent a picture of their genitalia to somebody else using 21st century technology (proudly never have, but I feel like I'm in the minority -- watch Aziz Ansari's new standup special for #jokez about this) and about 20 percent of these people have accidentally sent said genitalia to everybody they know via social media. One of these was an elected member of Congress.
What's important is Hopkins' press conference afterwards. Let us thank Brian T. Smith of Ultimate Texans, for this story, which needs line-by-line analysis.
Hopkins thinks a "pretty simple" password led to the hack, which the rookie believes happened while he was in a team meeting Wednesday at Reliant Stadium.
I am so fascinated by the idea of people out there guessing athletes' passwords... and sometimes getting it right. We guessed several athlete passwords yesterday after finding out Wayne Rooney's was "Stella Artois." How simple was Hopkins' password? "Football?"
He was informed of the video by his girlfriend, who soon posted on Hopkins’ Twitter account his Instagram account had been hacked.
Oh, no, somebody got a hold of your social media account! Good thing your girlfriend, WHO APPARENTLY ALSO HAS A HOLD OF YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT, was there to fix the situation.
"Basically, she was like, ‘I know it’s not you. But, like, what happened?’ " Hopkins said. He added: "I seen (the picture). My girlfriend, she kind of laughed about it — ‘Who is this on your Instagram?’ "
I haven't seen the picture in question. I just like how furiously Hopkins is distancing himself from the penis. "No, I can assure you: not only was that not my penis, a witness who has seen both my penis and the penis we are currently discussing was quite certain that they are not the same penis."
"Make your password creative. … That’s all I can say," Hopkins said.