"Hi, I'm Mike Ditka. If you're like me, you forgot how to read on purpose because you think literacy is effeminate, and also you think that there's nothing's better than old-school, straight-ahead football. Well listen up: I'm here to tell you that the First Down candle in Yankee Candle's line of Man CandlesTM is 'as exciting as game day,' thanks largely to the smells of vetiver, patchouli and leather, and offers up to 150 hours of 'true fragrance enjoyment.' Even better, it's currently half-price. It makes a great gift, even if just for yourself. I keep a few going in my Mustache Room pretty much all the time. Helps me unwind."
No, you're a ridiculous product.