So, we've known for a while that the Nets and Heat would play a game with nickname jerseys. And we've been making jokes about it for a while.
However, one thing became clear. While some players -- LeBron, Kevin Garnett, even less important players like Chris Andersen etc. -- have obvious, well-known nicknames, the teams were going to have some players with no well-known nickname.
So what were the teams to do? Were they going to include nicknames for the stars, but just have regular jerseys for everybody else?
Well, word slowly trickled out, and we were slowly given more and more details and pictures. However, it took until a little bit before tonight's tipoff before we got the full jersey lineup for every team.
Here's the full nickname rundown for each squad, and our take on the nickname chosen:
LeBron James - King James
Okay, that's, like, for real his nickname.
Ray Allen - J. Shuttlesworth
J? Are we going to get Jesus Shuttlesworth confused with the various other Shuttlesworths? From what we can tell, there aren't any on the Heat. And if there were, it's nickname night, so they should write something else on the jersey. For what it's worth, the only other Shuttlesworth in the movie was named "Jake." So, also J.
Mario Chalmers - Rio
Actual nickname, but, we would've gone for "Super Mario" or "Superintendent." Also: Spanish for "river!"
Dwyane Wade - D. Wade
that's just your name
that's your name with an initial
that's just your name
that's your real name
you wear that every night
what happened to "Flash?"
Chris Bosh - CB
I mean, he obviously wasn't going to wear "Boshtrich." So we're okay with this:
Udonis Haslem - UD
Wait, is Udonis Haslem's uniform number an elaborate joke based on the British 80's reggae-pop band UB40? Because, well, don't do that.
Michael Beasley - B-Easy
Again, just his actual nickname and that is okay and cool. That said:
Norris Cole - Cole Train
We would've bet anything he would've gone with COLE WORLD. We're okay with this, though.
Shane Battier - Battle
Shane had previously said he wanted "Batman" (before being told Warner Bros. had the rights) and "Shaneo." Nobody calls him "Battle."
Roger Mason Jr. - MoneyMase
hahahahahahahsadhk;sd the idea of anybody having a nickname for Roger Mason Jr. cracks me up. Especially one related to him being "money." how u
Chris Andersen - Birdman
Obvi. This night was basically made for Birdman, who lives his nickname more than anybody ever.
Rashard Lewis - Sweet Lew
Jacking Lou Piniella's style!
Greg Oden - G.O.
It makes me happy that they made him a jersey.
Joel Anthony - Doc
Basketball-reference.com's similarity scores say Joel Anthony and Julius Erving are basically the same person. I would've given anything for him to go with "Joe L."
James Jones - JJ
Joe Johnson is also wearing JJ. WE GET IT. YOU HAVE INITIALS.
And the Nets:
Andray Blatche - Dray Live
First of all, he didn't go with "BALTCHE," which is a disappointment.
Second of all, DRAY LIVE? BE HONEST. NOBODY HAS EVER CALLED YOU THIS. (This is a theme for the Nets.)
Andrei Kirilenko - Кириленко
To be honest: this is our favorite one. We were worried he'd just write AK so it would say "AK-47," but going native language is awesome.
Although, to be fair, this isn't really a nickname so much as, you know, his name in Russian.
Alan Anderson - Double
Would've gone like JJ, but "AA" is sort of a thing that is a bad nickname.
Brook Lopez - Brooklyn
NOBODY! NOBODY HAS EVER CALLED YOU THIS!
We get that it's cute with the team name. This is notable:
Brook Lopez's nickname is Brooklyn, meaning the front and back of his nickname jersey is BROOKLYN 11— Evan Dunlap (@BQRMagic) January 10, 2014
We were hoping for something superhero-themed.
Deron Williams - D-Will
/climbs to top of mountain /gets huge horn /yells into it
Jason Terry - JET
Perhaps as much as Birdman, someone who lives through their nickname. /runs around the court pretending to be a plane
Joe Johnson - JJ
/climbs to top of mountain right next to the one we just climbed to for Deron /gets bigger horn /yells even louder into it BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRINGNGGGNGNGNGNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
You fool. You could've been the armadillo cowboy.
Kevin Garnett - The Big Ticket
Mason Plumlee - Plums
Mirza Teletovic - MT3
Mirza came down to the wire on this one:
That was just Thursday.
First of all: TELETUBBY.
Second of all: your number is 33. And it's already on your jersey. So your jersey will say "MT3 33."
Paul Pierce - Truth
Reggie Evans - Joker
VERY MUCH NOT AN ACTUAL NICKNAME. There is nothing funny about Reggie Evans. There is something diabolical/villainous about Reggie Evans, but not in like an intriguing, let's-get-Heath-Ledger-to-play-this-maniac way. More in like an "ewww, Reggie Evans" way.
Shaun Livingston - S Dot
Shoutout to former Nets semi-owner Jay-Z's shoe line?
Tyshawn Taylor -- Tee_Y
Yes, that's an underscore.
Tornike Shengelia -- Tokomotiv
The Euros brought it. Except you, Mirza.