2014 is a big year for (retired) athletes, per Subway

Subway says that 2014 is a big year for athletes. However, all the athletes in their ad, are, um, not technically athletes anymore.

The quality of Subway's ads has severely dropped since Happy Gilmore was in them. For a while, the schtick was that Jared ate a lot of Subway and lost a lot of weight, which was neat and convinced a lot of people to eat Subway. I actually used to eat a lot of Subway in high school, in part because I thought it was healthier for me than other cheap-food-type options. But this has somehow gotten transposed into the idea that athletes are constantly eating Subway to stay in shape. You can get things from Subway that are, like, not unhealthy for you, but let's be real.

More importantly, these ads are lazy as all hell. They feature athletes obviously standing in front of green screens saying "yum!" or "now THAT'S fresh" and laughing at jokes told by other athletes standing in front of green screens, which raises the question of how the joke retained its original humor when THE AD COMPANY HASN'T EVEN PRETENDED THE ATHLETES WERE IN THE SAME ROOM.

Today, while walking my dog, I noticed an ad featuring a bunch of athletes on a Subway near my house. (There is a Subway near my house, because there is a Subway near everybody's house. There are more Subways in the world than people.)

The ad boasts that 2014 will be "A BIG YEAR FOR ATHLETES." The problem is, none of these athletes play sports:


From right:

Nastia Liukin: The competitive lifespan of a gymnast is pretty short. After winning gold in 2008, Liukin announced 2012 would be her last attempt at making the Olympics. She did not qualify, and thus retired.

Apolo Anton Ohno: After winning gold in 2002 and 2006, Ohno's 2010 Olympics led to one silver and two bronzes. He retired last year and will commentate at the upcoming Sochi Olympics.

Pele: RETIRED IN 1977. None of the other athletes in the picture were even born yet. He is probably the greatest soccer player of all time, and, yes, the World Cup is in Brazil and Pele once played soccer and is from Brazil, but, yeah. Very, very, very, very, very not an athlete.

Michael Phelps: Retired in 2010 after winning five golds in London. There's talk of him unretiring at some point, but for now, he is retired as the most decorated swimmer of all time.

Robert Griffin III: NOT RETIRED AT ALL!!!! Of course, his team went 3-10 last year before his season was ended due to injury, but he is very much a marketable athlete who it makes sense to have in an ad campaign.

2014: A Big Year For Athletes (even if they technically aren't athletes anymore)

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