Your name is Johnny Quinn, Olympic medal hopeful. Traveling halfway across the world to Sochi you find yourself naked and alone in a Russian bathroom. The door is locked. Nobody can hear your cries.
TURN TO PAGE 68 IF YOU WAIT FOR HELP
TURN TO PAGE 137 IF YOU BREAK THE DOOR DOWN
Now we know how Quinn handled the situation, so let's hear it all from the athlete himself, in a recount to Yahoo Sports worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster.
"I was taking a shower. Didn't have my phone. No towel," Quinn said. "I go to move the handle and I can't get out. I checked the lock to see if I had accidentally locked it. Nothing."
No phone? Fair enough, but no towel?! We're not going to tell you how one should take a shower, but isn't it normally customary to bring a towel into the bathroom with you? Otherwise you're just dripping water all over the floors for no good reason. This is precisely the kind of irreverence the Russian government warned us about.
"I start banging on random parts of the bathroom. I get to the door and I hit it ... and it cracks. So I go even harder and I hit it again, and my fist goes through. I see the daylight from the room come in, so I thought, 'Time [for] me to get out of here.' "
Maybe the idea here was to bang on different parts of the wall to get attention, but we prefer to imagine Quinn wanted to break right through the masonry before attempting the door. Also, folks, this is how you tell a story -- set the scene, give it life. We really love the imagery of a half-broken door giving the glimmering hope of freedom.
Soar to the freedom Johnny, soar to it like an eagle! And soar he did.