The news was delivered with brevity and emoticon despair:
Ahhhh someone stole my scooter! :(— Hunter Pence (@hunterpence) May 26, 2014
His teammates couldn't believe it.
@hunterpence what do you mean someone stole your scooter!!!???— George Kontos (@G_Kontos) May 26, 2014
Alas, it was true. Pence's scooter is in the hands of a thief who almost certainly has no idea how to fence the most famous scooter in America. If you would like to help, please note there is a reward.
Pence loved his scooter, called it one of his favorite possessions, and he is offering a reward for its return: You will be protected when the invasion begins. Your face will not be masticated by the foot soldiers in the ravenous star armies, who will be looking for immediate sustenance after 1,000 years of interstellar hibernation. You will stand behind Pence and serve him.
Whoops, wrong article. Gimme a second ...
Pence loved his scooter, called it one of his favorite possessions, and he is offering a reward for its return: a signed bobblehead that depicts him riding the scooter. No questions asked. Call the Giants if you have it.
The scooter looks like this:
Find it, and the bobblehead is yours. More than that, great justice will be everyone's.