Hey, you. Look at these stupid Christmas-themed baseball uniforms.
Dammit, minor league teams. Cut it out. This is so silly. Here, I'll do your job for you. Take a vacation next year.
- "The Office" night, where players have to look quizzically at the cameras before every pitch
- "Golden Girls" night, where the helmets are covered in grey wigs, except for the hottest player, who gets a bright red wig-helmet
- "Thanksgiving" night, where players are replaced by turkeys eating kernels of corn scattered across the field
- "Christmas Eve" night, where managers sit on the field and drunkenly assemble things to give away to fans in the eighth inning
- "Terminator" night, where one of the players is melted in a foundry at the end of a game
- "Star Wars" night, where the players wear uniforms that are related to Star Wars in some capacity and OH GOD MAKE IT STOP
You know what, minor leagues? You know what I'm going to do with these stupid theme nights? I'm going to make fun of them. I'm going to write about them on a website that gets good traffic, and I'm going to direct readers toward you. I'm going to make sure everyone knows about these stupid promotions. I'm going to make sure that everyone knows what you're doing. I'm going to do my best to draw attention to you, your team, and your promotions.
Yeah, that's right. I don't like to threaten, but I'm going to force people to stop what they're doing and consider your promotional engagement if you don't stop coming up with wacky ideas.
Your move, minor league teams.