Guy Fieri is the Internet's favorite celebrity chef -- by which we mean, the celebrity chef who is such a parody of himself that we simultaneously vomit and celebrate his ridiculousness. Even though he is not an athlete, he still pops up on our website every once in a while, because sports.
Anyway: Today he threw out the first pitch at the Reds game:
As such, we had to create a menu of Guy Fieri Cincinnati Reds options (with help from Grant Brisbee and David Roth):
Pete Rosé: A half-gallon mixture of Pinot Grigio and a house 4Loko Red flavor. Like Charlie Hustle, this 4Loko has been banned from various places.
Votto Blotto Juice: Straight tequila.
Super Mario Soto Nacho Experience: Six avocados covered in cheese.
Lightnin' Spiced Potato Crisp Sabo: DO NOT LET LIGHTNIN' SAUCE GET INTO ANY OF YOUR NON-MOUTH ORIFICES.
Joe Morgan: Guy Fieri killed Joe Morgan and served him in a restaurant.
Billy Ham-ilton Ultimate Bag-Snatch: a burlap sack full of virginia ham and kicked up ay-yo mayo, which is just regular mayonnaise with rainbow sprinkles in it.
Aroldis' ManChops: 36 oz. pork chops on a bed of Kickin' Mac'N'Cheese.
Great American Balled Pork: Pork, globulized with an ice-cream scooper, doused in Guy's Red White & Blue BBQ sauce.
Curry Spiced Jazz Berries Larkin: Available a la mode.
FireDusty Bakered Alaska: Your classic Baked Alaska, zested up with crushed cayenne pepper.
George Donkey Bananas Foster: Donkey sauce made on site!
We're sorry this was dumb. Cleanse your palate by reading everything Eater has ever written about Guy Fieri or Danger Guerrero wondering if Guy Fieri thinks Flavortown is a real place. And contribute your own Cincinnati Reds food items!