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If Only Tim Lincecum Were Caught With 'Panther Sweat'

The sports world was brought to a screeching halt (I guess it should be called the sports locomotive, then) this week when Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was caught smoking heated-up marijuana. SB Nation's excellent Giants blog, McCovey Chronicles, has come through with a brilliant bit of period-piece satire. A sampling:

[...] Star pitcher Art Nehf was caught with a hip flask full of hooch, besmirching his name and reputation as well as that of his fair team.

Though Nehf's doggy, Joe Brooks appearance has always led this observer to believe that he partook of a belt of giggle water whenever convenient, the official pinch only confirms our suspicions.

Yes, in the Prohibition era, alcohol was sometimes referred to as "giggle water." People were quite imaginative back then, but our generation invented a hybrid of baseball, chess, aerial warfare, and football, so I'd call it even. Wait, we haven't invented that yet? Nevermind.

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by Jon Bois •

Pete Rose Gets Charlie Hustled

Sometime during yesterday afternoon, Pete Rose came up on an e-mail chain I'm on, at which point one of best friends relayed this story:

I was at my uncle's restaurant for the 1995 Final Four and he was sitting there and my uncle went to introduce me and my brothers. Pete said unless we were each willing to pay 500 for his autograph he wouldn't sign. My uncle told him that he couldn't charge his family in his restaurant so he either had to sign or leave the restaurant. He left as his food came, stiffed the tab...

So, yeah. Pete Rose: great baseball player, iconic levels of badass, and kind of a bastard.

Which made it all the more satisfying when this video emerged over at The Sporting News. From the movie Bruno, a deleted scene starring none other than Charlie Hustle, himself:

Things to love about this video:

  1. "You don't understand, this is very uncomfortable for this guy... So get another guy in here!"
  2. When he re-directs his human seat. "Other way, other way."
  3. His only objection to the food is that it's got hair on it. Not, you know, that it's being served on a 200 pound, naked Mexican.
  4. Finally, his confused and annoyed "So, when do I get my check?" look that he's got throughout. That's great.

Can you say Hall of Fame???

comments 1 comment

by Andrew Sharp •

Tim Lincecum Caught Holding Weed

Marijuana? Mr. Lincecum! I am positively scandalized, sir!

Giants star pitcher and reigning NL Cy Young Award winner Tim Lincecum was reportedly cited for speeding and caught with marijuana and paraphernalia last week. The report states that when Lincecum was originally pulled over for speeding on I-5, the state trooper smelled marijuana and seized 3.3 grams of the drug and a pipe. He was then cited and released.

You know how some people used to say that if Randy Johnson wasn’t really good at throwing a baseball, he’d be at your local bowling alley hammering cigarettes? I don’t exactly know how to say this, but Tim Lincecum sort of looks like the kid you knew in college who spent all day in his room getting high and watching Dave Chappelle DVDs.

Sometimes, perception meets reality. Which is not something you'd want to say to Tim Lincecum while he was driving. You'd totally blow his mind, bro.

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by Eamonn Brennan •

This McCourt Thing Is Going To Get Weird

Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt's very public divorce -- it's public, you see, because a beloved baseball franchise is partially at stake -- has the potential to get very, very strange. And not in a good, "When Frank Reynolds does something heinous on 'It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia'" way. In a bad, legal loophole-y kind of way. The latest:

The wife of Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt lost her bid Thursday to be reinstated as the team's chief executive during a hearing in the couple's messy divorce.

Jamie McCourt, 55, was fired last month by her husband, who said she was cheating on him and doing a poor job leading the team. Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon ruled that no state law supports Jamie McCourt's bid to get her job back. However, Gordon has yet to decide whether the Dodgers are considered community or separate property.

The situation is so strange that the law isn't really clear on what should or should not happen to each person's stake in the team. Only one thing seems for sure: This is not good for the Dodgers, nor for Dodgers fans. Whatever happened to staying together for the kids guy with the beer belly in Section 108?

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by Eamonn Brennan •

Yankees' World Series Title Drives Baseball Blogger Into Retirement

You may not know the name David Chalk, but many of us who have been in this here Blog Game for several years are quite familiar. He’s been a fine baseball writer over at Bugs & Cranks for about three years, among other places. He’s a loyal Rays fan, so we give him kudos for that, too. And as of today, he’s retired from writing about MLB. Just up and quittin’ the Game. And why, you ask? Because he’s fed up with the current state of baseball:

Back in the early 80’s, Howard Cosell decided to stop calling profesional boxing. A deeply moral person like me, Cosell based his decision on seeing one too many gross mismatches, and the corruption of the sport’s governing bodies, its meaningless titles and the people who profited from the obscenely unlevel playing field. The analogy with baseball today is all too clear. […]

As I wrote about the 2oo7 New York Giants, the ‘09 Yankees, the ‘08 Phillies and ‘06 Cardinals have only succeeded in further cheapening the word "Championship." Championships should be about Greatness. Championships should be about Excellence. Championships should not be about Opportunistic Mediocrity. As my stepfather is fond of saying even a blind squirrel with more than twice the revenue and nearly twice the payroll of all the other squirrels will occasionally find a nut. Really with the advantages the Yankees have, to have only won one title in 9 years and to lose more games in the World Series than any "champion" since 2003 is a disgrace. A sound argument could be made that they’re STILL the worst team of the millenium.

But as of today, I’m leaving it to others to make those sound arguments about this deeply flawed game that is so desperately in need of big and major reform.

comments 3 comments

by Chris Mottram •

Yankees Parade Set For Friday

For those of you in the New York area interested in seeing your baseball heroes up close:

The parade, scheduled for Friday will begin on Broadway at Battery Place at 11 a.m. and continue northbound up the Canyon of Heroes to City Hall Plaza where Mayor Michael Bloomberg will present the Bronx Bombers with the keys to the city.

Most of the players will cruise the parade route in convertables, while Derek Jeter and Hideki Matsui will take turns mounting The Centaur and galloping down Broadway.

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by Chris Mottram •

The Only Thing More Important To A-Rod Than Winning? His Chewing Gum

As the final play of the 2009 World Series unfolded, each of the Yankees on the field began madly dashing for the mound to pile on one another and celebrate.  Each ran with reckless abandon and unbridled enthusiasm.  Not a care in the world for any of them.  Except that is, Alex Rodriguez.

Moments before lifting his hands in celebration, A-Rod grabbed the gum out of his mouth, made a fist with his right hand and held onto that gum for dear life as he approached the chaos.  There was no way on God's green Earth that Alex was going to let that savory piece of Bubble Yum (speculative) go to waste, World Championship or not. (He shows up at the :20 mark here, fist already clenched)

Of course there's the possibility that Alex is so aware of the gravity of the situation that he wants to hold on to that wad in order to sell it to the highest bidder as Alex Rodriguez' Game-Chewed Bubble Yum.  If so, bravo to you, sir. 

But to be honest...I think he just really wanted to keep chewing the gum. After the celebration died down...he was chewing it again.

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by Sean Keeley •

Andy Pettitte, Hall Of Famer? Not So Much

There’s been a smattering of Andy Pettitte Hall of Fame talk popping up in the corners of the internet this week. All of which ESPN’s Rob Neyer — one of the good guys — puts to rest with this post today:

Pettitte simply hasn’t done many of the things that Hall of Fame pitchers are supposed to do.

You can get into the Hall of Fame with a (relatively) pedestrian ERA if you win 300 games; that’s what Don Sutton did.

You get even get into the Hall of Fame with a (relatively) pedestrian ERA if you win only 225 games, but come up big in the postseason and pitch brilliantly for a few seasons; that’s what Catfish Hunter did.

But Pettitte’s got the pedestrian ERA, (roughly) 225 wins, zero top-three Cy Young finishes, and a postseason ledger that falls almost exactly in line with his regular-season performance. The only brilliant thing about Pettitte’s career is his .629 winning percentage … and as Sean points out, Pettitte has usually been blessed with an incredibly potent offense on his side (not to mention an incredibly effective closer).

Actually, Pettitte did come in second in Cy Young voting his second season when he went 21-8 with his typically “pedestrian” ERA and WHIP. So he does have that to put on his resume. Along with steroid user, which — as Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmeiro can attest to — the voters tend to frown upon.

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by Chris Mottram •

Can Chase Utley Still Win The MVP If Phillies Lose?

Chase Utley is about as locked-in as one can be in baseball. His World Series: five games, six hits, five home runs, eight RBI, 1.651 OPS. His swing is a work of art. He's Mr. November. He's ... World Series MVP? If the Phillies come back to win it all (which would require winning two games in the Bronx, no small feat), then sure. But what if they lose? Could Utley still win the MVP?

There is precedent for it, but it in the 53-year history of the award, it happened only once (Bobby Richardson in 1960). So, could it happen again?

Perhaps the best case for Utley stems from the fact that he has no protection. Ryan Howard, who himself was NLCS MVP, is hitting .158 with one RBI, so there's really no reason the Yankee pitchers should be giving Utley anything to hit right now. If he continues his hot streak against another Yankee lefty in Andy Pettitte – Utley has been torching the other Yankee lefties in this series, including CC Sabathia – he'll make the best case for MVP of anyone.

It's an uphill battle, mainly because of Alex Rodriguez (six RBI, key double in Game 4, half-horse), but really, it's all a moot point anyways: who's going to vote against Derek Jeter (have you seen his calm eyes?!).

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by Ryan Hudson •

Cole Hamels, Brett Myers Apparently Did Not Exchange Words After Game 5

Here’s a redux to our earlier post this morning about a confrontation between Cole Hamels and Brett Myers.

Andy Martino of Philly.com disputes Yahoo!‘s Tim Brown’s report that the two got into a verbal slap fight. Martino says Hamels and Myers are totes besties for life (TBFLs) and would never fight with each other:

The version related in separate conversations with Myers and Phillies director of baseball communications Greg Casterioto was this: Myers was ready to leave last night, and was looking for Hamels in the locker room. A common inside joke when a Phillie is looking for a teammate is to say, "He quit," (as in, “where’s so and so?” “Oh, he quit,” or “hey, there you are. I thought you quit”) and Myers dropped the line on Hamels when he saw the lefty at his locker. Hamels responded with a lighthearted expletive.

Myers said he was totally unaware of Hamels’ comments two days earlier. "I had no idea there was even a story going around about this," he said. "We’re friends. There is no problem." […]

"There was no confrontation whatsoever," Myers told me when reached by telephone this morning.

Alright, fine: Maybe there wasn’t a fight between the two. But this now raises a whole new line of questioning: Why is Cole Hamels friends with a guy like Brett Myers? Seems like an odd pairing of pretty likable and totally insufferable.

Nick Swisher and Johnny Damon … now there’s a pair that make sense as TBFLs.

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by Chris Mottram •

Phillies, Yankees Battle For Title Of World's Douchiest Fans

This comes from yesterday’s Daily Show. We, of course, in no way agree with this whatsoever. Nope. Totally impartial JOURNALISTS here at SBNation.com. We post this merely to present the general perception of NY and Philly fans:

 

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Clash of the Cretins
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes		 Political Humor Health Care Crisis

 

Remember the definition of a “hater”, Yankee and Phillie fans:

A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

See that? We’re really all just jealous.

/Stares at Camden Yards photo on the wall, sheds single tear.

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by Chris Mottram •

Cole Hamels, Brett Myers Exchange Words After Game 5

Philly won Game 5 to extend the Series back to New York, so everyone in the Phillies clubhouse should be ecstatic, yes? You’d think so, but … no. Brett Myers had to be his typical self (i.e. kind of a dick) and say this to Cole Hamels:

As Myers walked past Hamels near Hamels’ locker he said, mocking, "What are you doing here? I thought you quit."

Hamels did not respond well to this mocking and the two reportedly had to be separated.

Myers’ comment to Hamels stems from what Cole said after his poor performance in Game 3, which was yet another bad outing in a season full of them:

“I can’t wait for it to end,” Hamels said after proving unable to last at least five innings for a second consecutive postseason start. “It’s been mentally draining. It’s one of those things where, a year in, you just can’t wait for a fresh start.”

Hamels backed off that statement last night, saying it was taken out of context and that he absolutely wants to be the starter if there is a Game 7. Which should all go without saying — did anyone really think Cole Hamels wants the Yankees to win the World Series so he can go home? Well, anyone aside from Brett Myers? Of course not. He just said some off-the-cuff comments out of frustration. It’s the type of quote that mouth-breather sports talk radio callers should use for fuel, not his own teammate.

Then again, we are talking about Brett Myers.

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by Chris Mottram •

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