Stan Kasten, former president of the Braves and Nationals, appeared on MLB Network on Wednesday to offer speculation on baseball's winter meetings. Nats Enquirer has made special note of one of Kasten's remarks in particular:
"Go hang in the bars until 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, picking up whatever you can."
This quote, while really, really skeevy out of context, is actually advice on how to utilize scouts to pick up information during the meetings. After the jump, please see Stan Kasten's make-believe guide to the winter meetings.
STAN KASTEN'S MAKE-BELIEVE GUIDE TO THE WINTER MEETINGS
by make-believe Stan Kasten
- While at the bar, do not order a Lastings Milledge. I know it sounds like some sort of variant of a Hot Toddy, but it is actually a human being who is not particularly good at baseball.
- Sit at a table. Ask, "what's the scuttlebutt?" Leave table before someone answers. Repeat 40 times. Sign Greg Maddux.
- After a few drinks, Jeff Francoeur starts to look like Jeff Francoeur in a top hat. Don't sign him! He does not actually own a top hat and refuses orders to wear one.
- If none of your friends are at the bar, in order to appear busy and avoid appearing awkward, trade players to yourself. In 1996, I traded Javy Lopez 83 times.
- If your team is in Washington, D.C., do not take it personally when an agent suggests that our nation's capital is more like "our nation's crapital."
- Alfonso Soriano represents himself, and can normally be found standing in the patio area and smoking a cigarette. If you ask him to play outfield, he'll put it out in your eye and level a swift kick to your ding-dong. Ouch!
- Do not use "I oversaw the signing of Brad Clontz" as a pick-up line.