Antonio Bastardo Vs. Gym Equipment: The Fight Of The Century

The Philadelphia Phillies -- stop me if you've heard this one -- have not been having a very good season so far. The frustrations among the players are obviously running high, but there is still little reason for attempting to fight a piece of gym equipment. That didn't stop Antonio Bastardo from attempting to do just that, however. Spoilers: he lost the fight.

Philly.com reported on Friday (with a hat tip to Hardball Talk) that Bastardo was not very happy about allowing a run to the Minnesota Twins on Wednesday night and attempted to fight a "squat machine." Below is an assumed transcript of that encounter.

BASTARDO: (muttering to himself) Dang stupid no-good Twins scoring a run in a game of professional sport.

SQUAT MACHINE: /is a squat machine

BASTARDO: WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME

SQUAT MACHINE: /is a squat machine

BASTARDO: OH IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THAT HUH

SQUAT MACHINE: /is a squat machine

BASTARDO: YOUR ASS IS GRASS, SQUAT MACHINE

SQUAT MACHINE: /is a squat machine

BASTARDO: RAAAAARGH (charges squat machine)

SQUAT MACHINE: All I ever wanted to do was love you.

After the epic brawl, Bastardo needed stitches to close a cut over his left eye, which was "nearly swollen shut" on Friday. Jim Salisbury of CSN Philly reported on Saturday morning that there is a chance Bastardo's laceration is infected.

Squat machines, at least the ones with which I am familiar, don't really have a lot of hanging, free-swinging, or easily "rebound-able" parts. If he swung a bat at a lat pulldown machine and the pulldown bar swung back and clocked him in the face, I could at least understand that. Here are the only things I can think of that would equate "attacked a squat machine" with "got a laceration above his eye":

— Delivered flying headbutt to squat machine

— Attempted to apply ankle lock to squat machine; plate fell off onto his face while on the ground shaking the machine by the struts

— Tried to bear-hug the machine and lift it over his head

— Tripped and fell into machine while taking tearful, running start

— Threw baseball at machine, which rebounded into face

The last one is probably the most likely. Hopefully, some investigative journalist can shed some light on the specifics of the situation. I wouldn't blame them for not wanting to get too in-depth with their questioning, however:

Bastardo insisted he could see out of the eye, and demonstrated by covering his right one and pretending to punch a reporter in the face.

Remember, everyone: the easiest way to prove to someone that you're healthy is to pretend to sock them one in the mush. This is why I am my doctor's favorite patient.

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