Everyone knows the Dodgers celebrated their clinching of the National League West by jumping in the Diamondbacks' pool. We've written about it, you've written about it, everyone's formed a strong opinion on the matter and now we can go ahead and move on.
Oh, we can't?
Apparently, we can't, because the latest scuttlebutt around the precinct is that one or several or all of the Dodgers took the chance to pee said pool. Heck, for all we know, Tommy Lasorda stewed his plums in there. (THAT LINK IS SOMETHING YOU CAN'T UNSEE, SO TAKE CAUTION BEFORE CLICKING.)
So this is what we've come to. In the big book of unwritten rules, "pee in the other team's pool" is going to need an entire appendix. Hopefully, this doesn't result in territorial one-upmanship, Jackass-style.
BUT IF IT DOES ...
Here are some potential means of asserting your dominance and superiority on the baseball diamond. Or in the baseball stadium, rather.
(Philadelphia fans have already crossed the "barf on another person" threshold, but we're going to go with actual baseball PLAYER activity here.)
- Climb Marlins "home run feature," fornicate with leaping swordfish (bonus points if the force of player's copulation causes the feature to activate)
- One player lays underneath slide in giant Coke bottle at AT&T Park with mouth open, teammate pours gallon of Bacardi down the slide
- Climb into waterfall at Kauffman Stadium wearing Alka-Seltzer suit
- Go "Number Two" on Bernie Brewer's slide (odds are good Yasiel Puig may someday do this)
- Sit down at the base of the outfield wall and systematically eat all of the ivy at Wrigley Field, leaf by leaf
- Tousle Vin Scully's hair
- Draw a mustache on all the player busts in Monument Park at Yankee Stadium (the Yankees HATE mustaches!)
- Players pull out their genitals on the field at Busch Stadium (bonus points if players yell, "More like the best GLANS in baseball!" while gesturing at their exposed penii)
At any rate, let's all hope that none of these things ever, ever happen. Or that if they do happen, MLB.com uploads the videos promptly and makes them embeddable.
Have any more one-upmanship candidates? Add yours in the comments below!