CHARLOTTE - APRIL 24: Charlotte Bobcats owner Michael Jordan wipes his forehead while watching the action during Game Three of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals between the Charlotte Bobcats and the Orlando Magic during the 2010 NBA Playoffs at Time Warner Cable Arena on April 24, 2010 in Atlanta, Georgia. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and/or using this photograph, user is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Mike Zarrilli/Getty Images)
What if an NBA mock draft wasn't so focused on pretending that all NBA GMs were rational since, you know, they are not? This is what happens.
Someone recently made an excellent point. Of course, it was made on Twitter, so all expectation that anyone will actually remember who first made the point is gone. Even if I did know and cited said person, five others will send links trying to prove that they made that point first, because we are all jerks. So perhaps, in the interest of quelling civil unrest, it is best that I do not remember who first made this excellent point, which, after all of this nonsense, may seem rather underwhelming. It should be taken in the context that an errant, excellent tweet is taken: with a good deal of serendipity. A great tweet, especially one about sports, is like a shiny quarter in a landfill. In this framing, I've already put the quarter in a gallery, and oh dear, this is not going well.
The point was that most, if not all, NBA mock drafts are organized with the assumption that in cases where it is not obvious or accurately reported as to what the team will do, the general manager will make a good, rational decision. This never happens! Witness: David Kahn. Reason would have told Kahn not to pick two point guards with the No. 5 and No. 6 picks in 2009. Reason would have told Kahn not to pick the 23-year-old greenthumb 2-3 zone defender without a jumper over the 19-year-old productive center. Reason would have told Kahn not to pull a reverse One Red Paperclip in the 2011 NBA Draft, turning a perfectly good first-round pick into a handful of magic beans. Reason would have told Kahn not to draft a 26-year-old naturalized Qatari given that, you know, he was not draft eligible on account of being 26 years old.
We rely too much on reason when we guess what these GMs will do. Well, not today, pal. Not on my watch. Let's mock.
1. NEW ORLEANS HORNETS: ANTHONY DAVIS
Except here. Even the least reasonable GMs would get this right.
2. CHARLOTTE BOBCATS: BRADLEY BEAL
Because Kemba Walker, D.J. Augustin and Ben Gordon need someone tall enough to get the peanut butter off of the top shelf for them.
3. WASHINGTON WIZARDS: ANDRE DRUMMOND
Internal monologue! "Well, Andray Blatche was a coin flip, and that didn't turn out well. Andre Drummond is a coin flip, too. Since we lost the first coin flip, the odds are 100 percent that we'll win this one. Hurray for math!"
4. CLEVELAND CAVALIERS: THOMAS ROBINSON
It will be soooo funny when Thomas Robinson wears an Anderson Varejao wig to media day.
5. SACRAMENTO KINGS: TYLER ZELLER
A way to end that jerkwad Tom Ziller's career once and for all!
6. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS: HARRISON BARNES
Paul Allen convened 17 focus groups to judge draft prospects solely by high-res photos of their knees. Barnes edged Renardo Sidney, thank Heavens.
7. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS: PERRY JONES III
"Are you ethically opposed to openly trying to lose games for material benefit? Would it help if we could provide additional socks?"
8. TORONTO RAPTORS: MICHAEL KIDD-GILCHRIST
Headline on Raptors' webpage Thursday: COME SEE 'CHRIST! SEASON TICKETS START AT $40 PER GAME.
9. DETROIT PISTONS: JARED SULLINGER
If DeJuan Blair was a decent talent with terrible medical red flags and ended up worth it in the second round, Jared Sullinger, a terrific talent with terrible medical red flags, is going to be worth it in the lottery. Science!
10. NEW ORLEANS HORNETS: JOHN HENSON
You know what's better than one Anthony Davis? One and three-quarters Anthony Davises. Math!
11. PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS: DAMIAN LILLARD
Paul Allen insisted that all potential Blazers guards pass the "cupcake test" before a contract is offered. This is much like when you put a treat on a dog's snout and insist that he does not eat it until commanded to. (This seems like a pretty mean-spirited thing to do.) In this case, a cupcake is dangled in front of the point guard's face via a fishing pole as he runs through drills. Lillard actually was close to taking a chomp -- dill-honeydew potato cupcake with blackberry Cognac frosting and duck confit filling? PORTLAND STAND UP -- but Raymond Felton ran in and swallowed it.
12. MILWAUKEE BUCKS: MEYERS LEONARD
I'm going to be honest: I didn't want to forget to include him for the second straight week. So as soon as I remembered that there was a prospect named Meyers Leonard, I slotted him in. You see, it is not only the mockees who are not rational.
13. PHOENIX SUNS: DION WAITERS
And we all agreed to call him "Garcon" and we lived happily ever after.
14. HOUSTON ROCKETS: AUSTIN RIVERS
Everyone is just relieved that we won't have to be embarrassed when we confuse Chandler Parsons for Chase Budinger any longer. "Hey Chandler, how was violin practice?" "I'm Chase." "Oh sorry, Chase! Easy mistake since you're both ... you know ... uhh, how were guitar lessons?"
15. PHILADELPHIA 76ERS: ARNETT MOULTRIE
Doug Collins is impressed but what he considers to be the most Dirty South name in basketball history.
16. HOUSTON ROCKETS: MILES PLUMLEE
"Meyers, can you take out the trash?" "I'm Miles. For the 20th time, you drafted Miles Plumlee, not Meyers Leonard." "Oh dammit."
17. DALLAS MAVERICKS: EVAN FOURNIER
Between two French guards, we're bound to get one usable player! Math!
18. HOUSTON ROCKETS: JEREMY LAMB
Once the mega-trade for Dwight Howard falls through, because with the Rockets, it always falls through, Daryl Morey assesses the situation, curses to the Heavens, and holds a three-month head-to-head audition between Rivers and Lamb to determine who gets their first-round contract and who has to go play in Malta for a year.
19. ORLANDO MAGIC: DRAKE
The Magic front office gets creative to keep Dwight Howard. Matching Rollies for real! Unfortunately, we have a Tanguy Ngombo situation -- Drake isn't draft eligible. He's technically, like all of us, a free agent. He promptly signs with the Heat because, well, of course.
20. DENVER NUGGETS: KENDALL MARSHALL
George Karl is the secret Michael Jordan. He beats himself up about not being able to move the Nuggets to Raleigh.
21. BOSTON CELTICS: TERRENCE JONES
22. BOSTON CELTICS: TERRENCE ROSS
There is absolutely nothing greater than back-to-back picks in the NBA Draft ... because the team still takes the full allotted time between decisions! These GMs are just like indecisive patrons at a restaurant. "I'll start with the ... uh ... hmm, let's just go with the ... uhh ... erm ... oh, just give me the rib eye." "Baked potato, garlic mashed or rice pilaf?" "Ummm ... hmmm .... errr ... how is the baked potato prepared?"
23. ATLANTA HAWKS: RENARDO SIDNEY
Taking the assertion that "we need size" to its illogical limit.
24. CLEVELAND CAVALIERS: MARQUIS TEAGUE
Dan Gilbert: "He's like a real Marquise, right? Can that title help me get some land rezoned?"
25. MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES: TONY WROTEN
I cannot wait for the Grizzlies-Hornets rivalry to spawn the Wroten-Greivis Vasquez feud, to be dramatized on The History Channel in 2154.
26. INDIANA PACERS: MOE HARKLESS
And thus, the vicious cycle of "well, Paul George worked out" logic ends by collapsing on itself.
27. MIAMI HEAT: ROYCE WHITE
No need to fly, Royce, because Miami is the center of the universe.
28. OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER: DRAYMOND GREEN
Run on players whose last names are primary colors! (This is called "great teams having fun.")
29. CHICAGO BULLS: J'COVAN BROWN
OK, this is just ridiculous.
30. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS: JAMYCHAL GREEN
Wait, who invited the Warriors? Only good teams can play this game.
A slightly more serious mock will come your way Thursday at noon. The draft is Thursday at 7 p.m. ET. Cowabunga.