NBA Lockout Laboratory: Is Being Tall The Only Thing That Matters In Basketball?


Of course not. That's a really stupid question. Introducing our new video feature, NBA Lockout Laboratory, in which we answer really stupid questions like these through simulations of the video game NBA 2K12.

Welcome to the inaugural installment of NBA Lockout Laboratory, a video series in which we intend to simulate all sorts of basketball scenarios. We weren't born crazy, it's just that the seemingly endless NBA lockout has made us that way. And as long as we're waiting for actual NBA basketball to happen, we may as well engage in some make-believe.

Today's subject of make-believe: what if we built a team entirely of subpar-to-bad, one-dimensional players, whose sole saving grace is that they are tall? What would a 6'9" point guard look like? How would opponents capitalize on an opponent with zero quickness?

I have pieced this scenario together through the video game NBA 2K12 for the Xbox 360. See for yourself. I assembled the roster with some help from our own Tom Ziller. If it turns out ugly, which it will, blame it on him.

Here, friends, are our starting five:


Let's see how they do. (Oh, and no, real-life Paul Westphal does not speak with a bumpkin accent.)

Music: "Toccata" from the awesome album "One-Armed Bandit" by the awesome band Jaga Jazzist.


  • 2 wins, 80 losses
  • 75.6 points per game
  • 104.9 points against per game
  • 1.6 assists per game (about 10 percent as many as the next-worst team in the assists category)
  • 48.9 rebounds per game (BEST IN THE NBA!!!!!!!!)


  • Alexis Ajinca 17.38
  • Patrick Ewing Jr. 12.19
  • Steve Novak 10.55
  • Dan Gadzurik 7.68
  • Theo Ratliff 6.69
  • Byron Mullens 6.00
  • Hasheem Thabeet 5.98
  • Dexter Pittman 5.58
  • Hamady N'diaye 4.27
  • Jarron Collins 1.01
  • Kyrylo Fesenko 0.68
  • Brian Scalabrine -1.68

If you have any ideas for an upcoming NBA Lockout Laboratory simulation, by all means, please let us know.

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