NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating First Round Using Crappy Video Games From The '90s

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Heat Vs. 76ers, Using Streets Of Rage

In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Heat Vs. 76ers

Simulation software used: Streets Of Rage (1991, Sega Genesis)

This analogy is a real slam dunk (note: basketball term). In Streets of Rage, three buddies -- Axel, Adam, and Blaze -- join forces to take on a crime syndicate that has taken over the city. They spend approximately eight hours kicking and punching people in the face, a la Double Dragon.

No, this game isn't about basketball (edit: as Kotaku rightly pointed out, this is not a crappy game either), but I expect the Miami Heat's first round of the playoffs to look exactly like this anyway.

Simulated result: Heat over Sixers, 214,600 to 0, without having to use a single "continue."

Keys to the game:

• LeBron shouldn't hesitate to do that hip-toss move over and over.
• Dwyane Wade can use the lead pipe if he really wants, but his punch is basically just as good anyway, so he may as well just leave it on the ground for LeBron or Chris Bosh to pick up.
• In the middle of that stage where the motorcycles drive all around the screen, LeBron needs to make sure that he's either at the very top or the very bottom so he doesn't get hit.
• Bosh's flying kick works best against the guys with the mohawks. He should NOT use it against Jrue Holiday.
• To beat Tony Battie, LeBron should stand out of the way and just throw stuff while Wade punches him, jumps over him, punches him in the back, and then jumps back over him again.
• Whenever you encounter an Elton Brand, punch him until bags of money come out.

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Heat blog, Peninsula Is Mightier, and our 76ers blog, Liberty Ballers.

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Thunder Vs. Nuggets, Using Barkley Shut Up And Jam!

In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Thunder Vs. Blazers

Simulation software used: Barkley Shut Up And Jam! (1994, Sega Genesis)

Choosing this game, which is actually not a completely horrible game, meant passing up on other installments of this series, such as Dan Majerle Inside Voice Layup! and Nigele Knight Shriek And Free Throw!

One of the most pressing issues of the pre-"Start button" 1990s was that people were always talking or otherwise making noise while slam-dunking. Charles Barkley was among the first to recognize that it is desirable to have silence whilst jamming, and so he commissioned the release of a game, the title of which would be an imperative sentence were it a sentence to begin with.

On the other hand, consider this: this is not, "Barkley: Shut Up And Jam!" He is not ordering you to shut up and jam. This is simply, "Barkley Shut Up And Jam!" minus the colon. Charles Barkley is rebuking Charles Barkley. This is a game about Charles Barkley's quest to better himself.

One of Barkley's many foes is verisimilitude, as demonstrated by his appearance in the game:

Dude, no! It's okay that you're out of shape and still good at basketball! That is the entire point of Charles Barkley!

In essence, this game is a dream Charles Barkley has before taking a dose of NyQuil and hitting the hay. We will use this game to simulate the first-round playoff match-up between the Oklahoma City Thunder and Denver Nuggets. Due to the limitations of this software, the Thunder will be "Chicago" and the Nuggets will be "Phoenix."

Simulated result: Thunder 39, Nuggets 37. BONUS: at halftime and during the third quarter, you see me chatting with SB NATION DIRECTOR OF EDITORIAL OPERATIONS John Taylor.

Keys to the game:

• Shut up and jam.
  
• Shut up as well as jam.
• Be quiet in addition to jam.
• Remain silent, lest jam be delayed or canceled altogether.

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Thunder blog, Welcome To Loud City, and our Nuggets blog, Denver Stiffs.

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Mavericks Vs. Blazers On Sega CD

In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Mavericks Vs. Blazers

Simulation software used: ESPN NBA HangTime '95 (Sega CD)

When I was a kid, I saved half a year's worth of allowance money and combined it with birthday money to buy a Sega CD. Two or three months after I bought it, it was discontinued, and just about everyone stopped making games for it. It was a valuable lesson for me to learn, the lesson being that everyone in the world is a crap-faced idiot jerk who literally eats their own crap. I'm just quoting my 11-year-old self on that.

That's why I have plenty of loathing stored up for ESPN NBA HangTime '95, even if the game itself isn't so terrible. To be honest, I chose this one to simulate Blazers-Mavericks because I really wanted to watch me some Clyde Drexler.

Before the game, we see grainy footage of our old pal Dan Patrick. Crappy, canned footage. This is why we spent $200 on the Sega CD, even though it required load times every couple of minutes.

Simulated result: Mavericks 45, Blazers 30. Jason Kidd and Jamal Mashburn are beasts in this game, apparently. The Mavs stole the ball 11 times in eight minutes.

Keys to the game:

A great game today involving the Dallas Mavericks.

- Dan Patrick

Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king! Pass the ball, sweep it outside. The rebound king!

- the guy who raps in the menu music

Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball. Swat, swat, swat the ball. You gotta swat, swat the ball.

- same guy

This rapper probably knows a lot more about basketball but didn't want to be a showoff about it.

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Mavericks blog, Mavs Moneyball, and our Blazers blog, Blazer's Edge.

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Spurs Vs. Grizzlies, Using 'Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball'

In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Spurs Vs. Grizzlies

Simulation software used: Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball (Super Nintendo, 1991)

In the '90s, we loved to imagine what sports would be like in the future. Sometimes our projections involved lasers or holograms or explosions, but they always, always involved elbow pads.

In Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball, it is the year 2030, and Bill Laimbeer is league commissioner. And, uh, that's him on the cover. So Laimbeer, one of the all-time most infamous basketball players to begin with, is now a 73-year-old player/commissioner who has fired all the referees and encouraged fans to throw bombs on the court. This game was the first title in the "Bill Laimbeer Is The Worst" video game franchise, which also included the games, "Bill Laimbeer Throws Kittens Into Vats Of Tabasco," "Bill Laimbeer Audibly Discusses Tipping While At Restaurant," and "Bill Laimbeer Designs And Markets The Sega 32X."

I should make it clear that while I don't have a single favorite NBA team, I've always pulled for the Grizzlies for reasons that aren't entirely within my grasp, and I've seen the Spurs win enough championships already. But of course, it's pretty likely that the Spurs are going to win this series in a walk, so it's pretty much fine that I played an entire game of Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball without ever having figured out how to shoot the basketball.

Simulated result: Spurs 24, Grizzlies 0. Again, I tried every button combination I could and still could not figure out how to shoot the basketball.

Keys to the game: none. There is absolutely nothing of instructive value offered by this game, except for the knowledge that in the future, basketball will be played on a surface that is a cross between the hull of a Star Destroyer and your bathroom floor.

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Spurs blog, Pounding The Rock, and our Grizzlies blog, Straight Outta Vancouver.

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Celtics Vs. Knicks, Using 'Pat Riley Basketball' For The Sega Genesis

In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Celtics Vs. Knicks

Simulation software used: Pat Riley Basketball (Sega Genesis, 1990)

This is the cover of Pat Riley Basketball. He's looking the wrong way. The basketball is happening on the other end of the court. A most auspicious start! This game is ****ing terrible.

This is a Sega Genesis game, but the graphics are so bad that it certainly could have been an NES game.

Look at that. I don't think this was a case of Pat Riley's name and face being slapped on the cover. I think Pat Riley actually made this game himself. He spoke into a tape recorder for a half-hour, saying things like, "the basketball should be round, there are two baskets, there should be crowd noise when you score," etc. Then he declared "END OF PROGRAM!" before shutting off the recorder, ripping the tape out of the cassette's spooling, cramming it all into a Genesis cartridge that he made out of balsa wood, and mailing it to Sega. I can't believe the game actually works to begin with.

Anyway, reason number 33 that this game sucks is that there is no Boston team, so I couldn't actually pit Boston against New York. We're soldiering on anyway. As you can see, I fast-forwarded the last 45 seconds or so because I just couldn't take it anymore. It sort of resembles a time-lapse video of a possum carcass rotting away.

Simulated result: Knicks win, 103-82, in a game that featured somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 steals. Not exaggerating. Look at that sequence at the 1-minute mark. aaaaghh this game is so awful

Keys to the game:

• The Knicks should try stealing the ball.
• After having the ball stolen, the Celtics should steal the ball back.
• After this sequence has been repeated approximately four or five times, the team with the ball should shoot it immediately.
• When dunking, forming the letter "C" while "YMCA" plays through the public address system is of utmost importance. Getting the ball in the basket is a secondary objective.
• Never play basketball.

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Knicks blog, Posting and Toasting, and our Celtics blog, the appropriately-named Celtics Blog.

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Lakers Vs. Hornets, Using Horrible 1990s Video Game 'In The Zone '98'

In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Lakers Vs. Hornets

Simulation software used: In The Zone '98 (Nintendo 64, 1998)

In The Zone '98, alternately known as Weird Blurry Block-People Make Poorly-Contested Shots In Slow Motion: The Game, features Glen Rice on the cover. Snagging an endorsement deal with Rice was a huge pull for Konami, given that literally thousands of people knew who he was.

I keep bringing this up, because it keeps ringing true: in their book, FreeDarko argues that Western culture completely bottomed out in 1998. Even in the sub-sub-subculture that was "basketball video gaming on the Nintendo 64," this was true.

Like most Nintendo 64 games, its outdated graphics do have a certain charm to them, but I'm pretty sure they copied and pasted the artificial intelligence from the scientists in the Facility level of Goldeneye 007. It was unbelievably easy to win against the computer. It follows, then, that pitting the computer against itself should make for the worst basketball ever played, right?

Well, yes and no. I set the Hornets to play the Lakers and recorded the fourth quarter:

Simulated result: Lakers 27, Hornets 25. Another close finish, with Nick Van Exel draining the game-winner with 0.4 seconds left.

Proceedings get unexpectedly poignant at the 45-second mark of the video, when Bobby Phills dishes to David Wesley to tie the game. RIP, guy.

Keys to the game:

• The Hornets can break through Phil Jackson's defense by dribbling into the paint and then just passing over and over until the most heavily-contested guy gets the ball and shoots it.
• The Lakers enjoy a huge home-court advantage since their court is this blurry skating rink-looking thing.
• The Hornets are the sort of team that isn't afraid to bench Vlade Divac in favor of Tony Farmer in the final minute for absolutely no reason.
• Both teams will struggle to score, given that the act of shooting a basketball is roughly equivalent to cupping water in your hands and trying to throw it all into a wine carafe 35 feet away while a giant man made of boxes flails his arms around right in front of your face.
• Either team may gain an advantage if any of their players decide not to be horrible worthless idiot box people all the time.

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Lakers blog, Silver Screen and Roll, and our Hornets blog, At The Hive.

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Magic Vs. Hawks, With The Help Of Horrible 1990s Video Game 'Jammit'

In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Magic Vs. Hawks

Simulation software used: Jammit (Sega Genesis, 1994)

To preview the upcoming Hawks-Magic series, we move from Rap Jam to Jammit, because every basketball video game in the 1990s had to have "Jam" somewhere in the title. In fact, until 1997, slam dunking was the only permissible means of scoring in the NBA. One time Michael Jordan shot a mid-range jumper. They kicked him out of the league for a year and a half!

Anyway, Jammit is an unbearably awful one-on-one basketball game. There are three playable characters. Here are two of them:

Roxy is the Hawks because she's wearing red. Slade is the Magic because he's wearing blue. I pitted them against one another and recorded the result:

Simulated result: Magic 21, Hawks 19. A close game throughout, with a questionable no-call on the game's final possession.

Keys to the game:

• The Hawks might be able to get the Magic off their game by dealing taunts such as, "hey!" Similarly, the Magic could gain an edge by responding to stimuli with "what?" or "come on!"
• As you can see at the 45-second mark of that video, Dwight Howard thinks "slam dunk" means "jump as high as you can and then just fling the ball over your head and directly at the backboard." The Hawks should go ahead and let him keep trying this because it doesn't work very well.
• The Magic have gained noteriety around the league for doing what you see them doing at the 1-minute mark of the video: sending their opponent to the line and then flailing around and making bird noises. The Hawks will need to focus at the free throw line, no matter how many times Gilbert Arenas says, "GWAAAGH!" at them.
• These are two hard-nosed teams. These players won't hesitate to blatantly shove you to the ground with both palms and then make sex noises (the player who is knocked down also makes sex noises).

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Magic blog, Orlando Pinstriped Post, and our Hawks blog, Peachtree Hoops.

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating Bulls Vs. Pacers, With The Help Of Horrible 1990s Video Game 'Rap Jam'

In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.

Bulls vs. Pacers

Simulation software used: Rap Jam - Volume One (Super Nintendo, 1995)

Years ago, an associate of mine wrote a delightful piece on Rap Jam, which, to my knowledge, is the only video game that allows you to slam dunk with every member of notable Queens-based rap group Onyx. In this game, you build a roster from a thoroughly nonthreatening stable of 1990s hip-hop artists, such as LL Cool J, Coolio, Flavor Flav, and Everlast.

Never play this game because it is horrible.

I tried to mimic the teams after the Bulls and Pacers as closely as this particular simulation would allow me to, ultimately deciding to pit Warren G (Derrick Rose), Queen Latifah (Joakim Noah), and Chuck D (Carlos Boozer) against Sticky Fingaz (Darren Collison), Everlast (Tyler Hansbrough), and Coolio (Danny Granger).

Simulated result: Pacers win, 26-14. Hansbrough simply dominated the offensive glass, and poor shot selection on the part of Rose sealed the Bulls' fate, resulting in a shocking upset.

(Due to technological limitations, sound is not available on this video. We apologize. If you want the full audio experience, just bounce a basketball and yell, "YEAH!" every five seconds while watching this.)

Keys to the game:

• Both teams' abilities to jump as though they are on the Moon will really put the focus of this game on the rebounding battle.
• The game's tempo will probably be set at an average pace, given that everyone is exactly as fast as everyone else.
• Also, all players on the Pacers and Bulls look exactly the same and have identical abilities.
• If Derrick Rose wants the "MVP" chants to continue, he's going to need to avoid accidentally shooting the ball from the opposite baseline.
• The Pacers need to capitalize on the Bulls' tendency to just run around like a bunch of freaking morons who gyrate in the general direction of a loose ball and take like five seconds to pick it up because they have zero depth perception.
• This season, the Pacers have been plagued by an inability to ensure that their Jams are Def 100 percent of the time, settling instead for Jam-Defness percentages between 80 and 90. They need to make sure that all their Jams are Def. Check that -- they need to make sure that all of their Jams are Def.
  

For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, check out the rest of this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Bulls blog, Blog a Bull, and our Pacers blog, Indy Cornrows.

NBA Playoffs 2011: Simulating First Round Series Using Crappy Video Games From The '90s

On Saturday, we usher in the NBA's second season. The 2011 NBA Playoffs will answer a lot of questions. Which Lakers and Celtics will show up? What does "postseason Miami Heat" look like? Can Kevin Durant and the Thunder ascend to the ranks of the game's elite?

We shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. This weekend, eight first-round series begin, and we at SB Nation have taken the liberty of running state-of-the-art simulators to determine the probable winners.

By "state-of-the-art," of course, we mean, "awful basketball video games from the 1990s." Yes, we're going to enlist the help of games such as Rap Jam, Barkley Shut Up And Jam!, and Pat Riley Basketball to determine who will advance in the postseason. Each series will be simulated by a different game.

We'll be updating this StoryStream with new simulations between now and Friday. Stay tuned. First up: Bulls vs. Pacers.