In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.
Bulls vs. Pacers
Simulation software used: Rap Jam - Volume One (Super Nintendo, 1995)
Years ago, an associate of mine wrote a delightful piece on Rap Jam, which, to my knowledge, is the only video game that allows you to slam dunk with every member of notable Queens-based rap group Onyx. In this game, you build a roster from a thoroughly nonthreatening stable of 1990s hip-hop artists, such as LL Cool J, Coolio, Flavor Flav, and Everlast.
Never play this game because it is horrible.
I tried to mimic the teams after the Bulls and Pacers as closely as this particular simulation would allow me to, ultimately deciding to pit Warren G (Derrick Rose), Queen Latifah (Joakim Noah), and Chuck D (Carlos Boozer) against Sticky Fingaz (Darren Collison), Everlast (Tyler Hansbrough), and Coolio (Danny Granger).
Simulated result: Pacers win, 26-14. Hansbrough simply dominated the offensive glass, and poor shot selection on the part of Rose sealed the Bulls' fate, resulting in a shocking upset.
(Due to technological limitations, sound is not available on this video. We apologize. If you want the full audio experience, just bounce a basketball and yell, "YEAH!" every five seconds while watching this.)
Keys to the game:
- Both teams' abilities to jump as though they are on the Moon will really put the focus of this game on the rebounding battle.
- The game's tempo will probably be set at an average pace, given that everyone is exactly as fast as everyone else.
- Also, all players on the Pacers and Bulls look exactly the same and have identical abilities.
- If Derrick Rose wants the "MVP" chants to continue, he's going to need to avoid accidentally shooting the ball from the opposite baseline.
- The Pacers need to capitalize on the Bulls' tendency to just run around like a bunch of freaking morons who gyrate in the general direction of a loose ball and take like five seconds to pick it up because they have zero depth perception.
- This season, the Pacers have been plagued by an inability to ensure that their Jams are Def 100 percent of the time, settling instead for Jam-Defness percentages between 80 and 90. They need to make sure that all their Jams are Def. Check that -- they need to make sure that all of their Jams are Def.
For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, check out the rest of this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Bulls blog, Blog a Bull, and our Pacers blog, Indy Cornrows.