In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.
Thunder Vs. Blazers
Simulation software used: Barkley Shut Up And Jam! (1994, Sega Genesis)
Choosing this game, which is actually not a completely horrible game, meant passing up on other installments of this series, such as Dan Majerle Inside Voice Layup! and Nigele Knight Shriek And Free Throw!
One of the most pressing issues of the pre-"Start button" 1990s was that people were always talking or otherwise making noise while slam-dunking. Charles Barkley was among the first to recognize that it is desirable to have silence whilst jamming, and so he commissioned the release of a game, the title of which would be an imperative sentence were it a sentence to begin with.
On the other hand, consider this: this is not, "Barkley: Shut Up And Jam!" He is not ordering you to shut up and jam. This is simply, "Barkley Shut Up And Jam!" minus the colon. Charles Barkley is rebuking Charles Barkley. This is a game about Charles Barkley's quest to better himself.
One of Barkley's many foes is verisimilitude, as demonstrated by his appearance in the game:
Dude, no! It's okay that you're out of shape and still good at basketball! That is the entire point of Charles Barkley!
In essence, this game is a dream Charles Barkley has before taking a dose of NyQuil and hitting the hay. We will use this game to simulate the first-round playoff match-up between the Oklahoma City Thunder and Denver Nuggets. Due to the limitations of this software, the Thunder will be "Chicago" and the Nuggets will be "Phoenix."
Simulated result: Thunder 39, Nuggets 37. BONUS: at halftime and during the third quarter, you see me chatting with SB NATION DIRECTOR OF EDITORIAL OPERATIONS John Taylor.
Keys to the game:
- Shut up and jam.
- Shut up as well as jam.
- Be quiet in addition to jam.
- Remain silent, lest jam be delayed or canceled altogether.
For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Thunder blog, Welcome To Loud City, and our Nuggets blog, Denver Stiffs.