In this series, we're simulating all eight of the first-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst 1990s basketball video games we can find.
Heat Vs. 76ers
Simulation software used: Streets Of Rage (1991, Sega Genesis)
This analogy is a real slam dunk (note: basketball term). In Streets of Rage, three buddies -- Axel, Adam, and Blaze -- join forces to take on a crime syndicate that has taken over the city. They spend approximately eight hours kicking and punching people in the face, a la Double Dragon.
No, this game isn't about basketball (edit: as Kotaku rightly pointed out, this is not a crappy game either), but I expect the Miami Heat's first round of the playoffs to look exactly like this anyway.
Simulated result: Heat over Sixers, 214,600 to 0, without having to use a single "continue."
Keys to the game:
- LeBron shouldn't hesitate to do that hip-toss move over and over.
- Dwyane Wade can use the lead pipe if he really wants, but his punch is basically just as good anyway, so he may as well just leave it on the ground for LeBron or Chris Bosh to pick up.
- In the middle of that stage where the motorcycles drive all around the screen, LeBron needs to make sure that he's either at the very top or the very bottom so he doesn't get hit.
- Bosh's flying kick works best against the guys with the mohawks. He should NOT use it against Jrue Holiday.
- To beat Tony Battie, LeBron should stand out of the way and just throw stuff while Wade punches him, jumps over him, punches him in the back, and then jumps back over him again.
- Whenever you encounter an Elton Brand, punch him until bags of money come out.
For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' first-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Heat blog, Peninsula Is Mightier, and our 76ers blog, Liberty Ballers.