In this series, we're simulating all four of the second-round NBA Playoffs series... using the worst basketball video games we can find. To see which crappy games we used for the first round, check out this StoryStream.
Heat vs. Celtics
Simulation software used: Super Dunk Shot (1992, Super Famicom)
Referring to a slam dunk as a "slam dunk shot" is one of the very funniest things. Like, I imagine a guy standing one inch from the rim and shooting as he would shoot a mid-range jumper. Without ever touching the rim, he lands and starts backpedaling to get back on defense as he points at various teammates in order to call plays such as "you," or perhaps the lesser-utilized, "you."
This game was released for the Super Famicom (the Japanese equivalent of the Super Nintendo), but as far as I've been able to tell, it was never released in the States. That is a real shame. Here is why:
The knockoff Celtics logo is actually a little stalk of celery wearing a top hat! This is the most adorable copyright law evasion I have ever seen. I'm even more fond of the Miami Beat, though. Has there ever been a team name that, in its intended use, was a verb? If I ever own a team, I'm going to name it a preposition. Come and see the Louisville Despite, everybody.
(In case you're curious, here's a sampling of some of the best team names in this game: Phoenix Sons, Houston Pockets, New Jersey Mets, Cleveland Caviares [sic], Denver Nucleuses [sic], L.A. Lasers, Indiana Packers.)
Simulated result: Heat 82, Celtics 10. This was actually a relatively enjoyable game, but not enjoyable enough to convince me not to just stop playing after five minutes.
Keys to the game:
- So you guys went through the trouble of making different logos for all the teams and changing the player names, but you decided to go ahead and keep Rony Seikaly in there? Did you think nobody would catch you, or did you spring for the $5 fee to use his likeness?
- Why didn't y'all call it Rony Seikaly Basketball? Do you think your decision not to is the reason Rony Seikaly isn't that big a deal in Japan?
- Was Rony Seikaly concerned about giving his endorsement to a game where the players just play defense by clapping their hands a bunch and occasionally having the ball run into their hands?
- I'm going to tell Rony Seikaly you put him in your game. He's going to stomp on your face. There's nothing you can do about it.
For simulations of the rest of the NBA Playoffs' second-round match-ups, stay tuned to this StoryStream. And for actual, intelligent analysis of these teams, check out our Heat blog, Peninsula Is Mightier, and our Celtics blog, the appropriately-named CelticsBlog.