For an event that isn't an Actual Tragedy, Yao Ming's retirement is awfully sad. His career, both culturally important and statistically terrific, ground to a halt at age 29 due to injuries too significant to overcome. To boot, thanks to the NBA lockout, he was unable to speak with the only NBA team he ever played for, the Houston Rockets, before he made his announcement.
So, this is already one of the saddest non-Gehrig retirements of all time. He's off to a great start, and he has a chance to really sad this thing up. Here's what he needs to do:
- Walk home in the rain, head down. Realize that he's actually glad it's raining, because no one will notice he's crying.
- Stop somewhere to buy and umbrella. Find that the umbrella is too small for him. Pathetically try to hunch underneath it while looking down and trudging his feet. Get mocked by passing motorists, who drive through puddles and splash water all over him.
- Find a cat that is left in the rain. Pick up the cat and gingerly carry it in one arm while holding his umbrella over it with the other. Get absolutely drenched.
- Think about how down in the dumps he is, plan an impromptu Yao Ming Retirement Party to celebrate.
- Find some leftover macaroni and cheese in the refrigerator. Stick a birthday candle in the middle of it. Wear a party hat. Sit all alone in house except for the cat.
- Realize the cat is probably starving. Allow the cat to eat his macaroni and cheese.
- Think about how much fun it was to play basketball.
- Just start sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and just sobbing.