If the NFL can't make use of Tim Tebow properly, the NBA can surely help. We'll consider it payback for the NFL keeping us from getting both parts of the West Virginian power couple of Jason Williams and Randy Moss. Here are five NBA jobs Tebow could totally do right now.
1. COURTSIDE CONCIERGE AT HEAT GAMES
The only thing that can make LeBron's South Beach more expensive is a millionaire courtside attendant. Oh, you need another chardonnay, mademoiselle? Tim Tebow can get that for you. Nachos in section 103? Tim Tebow will have those right over. A foot massage for Gloria James? Tim Tebow, at your service. Diddy dripped ketchup on his white linen jacket? Tim Tebow will be right over with some club soda and a towel.
2. THE FIFTH MALOOF BROTHER
The Maloofs are image-conscious fellas, and they must understand that their faces are absolutely toxic pretty much everywhere. What they could use is another Maloof brother, a likable one that people don't instinctively try to punch. (There is actually a fourth Maloof brother no one knows, but roll with me here.) The Maloofs could adopt Tim, make him the new face of the Kings and totally move the team to Jacksonville, where the Tim Maloof jersey would be an instant best-seller. #TebowForMaloofBrother
3. ADAM SILVER BODY DOUBLE
Adam Silver is taking over the commissioner spot in 13 months. Let's be honest for a second: Tim Tebow is more classically attractive than Adam Silver. You know, with the muscles and the hair and the youth and all. This is a perfect opportunity to get Tebow into the NBA: he can stand in for Adam Silver whenever cameras are present. It'd be like Cyrano de Bergerac or that Blues Traveler video. But with more Tim Tebow.
Tebow can also do Adam Silver's stunts in films like Thunderstruck.
4. BOBCATS MASCOT
Charlotte should not bring back the Hornets. They should become the Wildcats. And they should hire failed mobile quarterbacks as their mascots. Tebow will be first up. Maybe someday Charlotte can upgrade to Colin Kaepernick. On throwback night, they can use Kordell Stewart as the mascot. This idea is wild!
5. WIZARDS BEST PLAYER