LINSANITY has LINFECTED America for two weeks now, and the new SENSASIAN has yet to cash in on the nation's burgeoning pun-based economy. After the Knicks' seventh straight win -- in which Lin had 13 assists in just 26 minutes (SHARE-EMY!) -- it's time for the NBA's LINFANT TERRIBLE to start making more than his meager $800,000 NBA salary. Why, he's earning a mere $67,000 a month! No wonder he was crashing on teammates' couches!
(screenshot from ESPN, taken conveniently before Lin's 10-point performance Wednesday night)
No star athlete in America should have to subsist on a six-figure contract, and those that do (Olympic swimmers and figure skaters) deserve the largesse of endorsement deals. Here are five no-brainers for Lin:
This is the perfect first endorsement for a young athlete. Infiniti is an upscale auto company, one that caters to the wealthy fans who can afford the suddenly-expensive tickets to Madison Square Garden. In the mock-up above, Lin is either a giant who towers above sport utility vehicles, or Infiniti now sells a compact SUV. Also, New York City has a desert, I guess? Probably in Queens.
Lin is from northern California and therefore the perfect fit for a software company that could benefit from an infusion of hipness from a culturally relevant athlete. "Lintel! The microchip processing center of choice for NBA point guards from Harvard!"
3. TEXAS LINSTRUMENTS
I promise I'm basing these endorsements off of puns and not Asian stereotypes. But if we're speaking honestly, how many starting point guards in the NBA have actually used a graphing calculator? My guess is just one.
[Graphing calculator side discussion! Skip this paragraph if you didn't go to high school in the '90s. Remember the blue TI-81s and the black TI-85s? The 81s were for the nerds who had no aspiration to be on the math team, whereas the 85s were a status symbol for varsity mathletes, uber-nerds who were happy to shell out the extra cash for a calculator you could play games on. Me, I had the gray TI-82, because I was a hipster nerd who warmed the bench on the math team.]
Okay, perhaps I'm using this photo of Lin in a cheap, ill-fitting suit more than I should, but I can't help it. It warms my bones on the coldest winter night. It doesn't look like a photo of an NBA star; it looks like the result of going to Shutterstock and searching "Asian person." And that's not fair of me. Jeremy Lin has style. Nevertheless, if he's going to be attending the opening of a new Linscrafters at the St. Clair Square mall off I-64 in Fairview Heights, Illinois, then the Men's Wearhouse suit is the way to go.
5. LINTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES
Linsanity won't last forever, you know. The win streak will end. Carmelo Anthony will return and take 800 shots a game. The Knicks will get thrashed in the first round of the playoffs. And when Jeremy Lin's star begins to fade, the doors to the Linternational House of Pancakes will be open. Literally. That place is open 24 hours.