Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted two years ago, has won an NBA championship.
This was accomplished with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up called the NBA Finals, culminating with a national TV special of his "victory" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
You have given so much and deserve so much more.
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS HIS SECOND"
You can take it to the bank. While there, please note that I have deposited renumerations in your account based on a previous guarantee that didn't quite pan out.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of success and hard work by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. I will personally kill these people to show them that's not how it works.
This shocking act of triumph from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become. We want them to become sore losers, not gracious winners.
But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.
The self-declared former "King" indeed took the "curse" with him down south. In fall 2011, he imbued a big-faced Rollie with the curse. And he pawned it. And James Harden bought it. Whatever, we don't have it any more. But the curse will rise again, and it will definitely make LeBron lose his toenails or something.
Just watch. Sleep well, Cleveland.
Sleep well, Cleveland.