Update: Then in true Metta fashion, he tweeted that he wasn't actually doing a show after all.
Metta World Peace gets bored, and self-medicates with Twitter. This -- or this and some mental health issues -- is one of the very few things that the rest of humanity has in common with Metta World Peace. Because of the nature of Twitter and the nature of World Peace's miraculous upside-down M.C. Escher brain, this works out pretty well for all of us: when the former Ron Artest goes on Twitter to focus-group another possible name change, he's relieving his boredom and the internet's at the same time. Punctuation sticklers and lovers of actual content might not necessarily want to follow @MettaWorldPeace, but it's a good deal for the rest of us, who get a little more goofy-eyed nonsense in our feeds and get to watch Metta grapple with the big issues in real time:
Who would make the best NBA coach out of these picks? LiL Wayne Fat Joe Cam Brian McKnight R Kelly Robin Thick Jack Nicholson— Metta World Peace (@MettaWorldPeace) June 24, 2013
On Monday, though, Metta seemed to be threatening to use Twitter to break actual news, hinting at a "big announcement" right around the time that he either would or wouldn't be picking up his $7.7 million player option with the Lakers. He almost certainly will play out that last year, but that wasn't the announcement Artest made, because of course it wasn't.
Instead, Metta adopted his renowned Cockney Scullery Maid alter ego and tweeted: "Me announcement is Terrell Owens and I will be doing a reality show !! What did yal think I was going to say? Lol" Then he deleted that tweet, and then he put a video up on his website to the same effect (which he has since deleted). It is, in terms of cinematography and performance, a good deal less exciting to watch than "put a video up on his website" is to read:
But this, in journalism, is called "burying the lead." Both what I'm doing mentioning this several paragraphs in and what Metta has done by acting as if his EPIC TWITTER FAKE-OUT or picked-up contract option are actually the story. There is a television program here that's worth some attention (and which Owens hasn't acknowledged, for whatever that's worth), and about which we know almost nothing, besides the fact that it will be amazing and very difficult to insure.
Knowing how little we know about it, the responsible thing to do would seem to be speculating on what type of show it might be. Here, free of charge but with all rights reserved -- after A&E straight-up stole my original ideas for "The Cajun Matchmaker: New Jersey" and "The First 48: Catfish Noodlers," I am trying to be more on point with this -- are three possible ideas for the Untitled Metta World Peace/Terrell Owens Reality Project.
- Metta and T.O.'s BLT Challenge: Metta and T.O. are the tough -- and sometimes sharp-tongued! -- co-hosts of this competitive cooking show, in which 21 chefs from around the country do culinary battle to determine which makes the best BLT sandwich. The catch: Terrell Owens only eats egg whites and Builder bars, and instead of announcing a winner at the end of each week, Metta World Peace tells a long story about something he saw on the Cartoon Network one time. Probably the Food Network, although Spike is a possibility if there's a way to integrate argumentative MMA guys or Sara Jean Underwood.
- Flip This Gaudy Stucco Florida Insta-Manse: As professional athletes, Metta World Peace and Terrell Owens know a little something about purchasing large homes located in grandiosely named gated communities in states without income taxes. But the pair will find themselves -- and their friendship -- pushed to the limit when they have to overhaul and "flip" these massive, overly air-conditioned marble countertop graveyards. And then, like, throw a sassy personal assistant and some Chardonnay-fueled lunchtime arguments in cavernous, empty fusion restaurants into the mix. This may already be airing on Bravo.
- Character Issues: Houston: This isn't necessarily a reality show, in terms of there being dramatic stakes or clearly defined competitive challenges or screeching, disconcertingly self-possessed "housewives" getting in arguments over what Vicki said to Vicky about Vykky's plastic surgery or charity benefit fashion show or line of workout videos for prickly orange multiple-divorcees or whatever. Instead, the first season is just Metta World Peace and Terrell Owens renting a mid-size sedan and driving around Houston, talking about different things: tank tops, make-good contracts, their favorite movies and television programs, the joys of doing shirtless crunches in front of a mirror (only Owens really talks about this one). The highlight of the season will be when they get Vietnamese food and Terrell asks if they serve egg whites and builder bars. This could air on IFC, or any television channel.