Happy Draftivus, everyone! The 2013 NBA Draft is upon us, and this will be SBNation.com's final and most inane mock draft of the season. At 7:30 p.m. ET, David Stern will subject himself to rude New Yorkers for the last time (until he gets in the cronut line on Friday and buys them out) as he announces the first 30 picks in the derby. Then the scepter will be freed as the next commissioner of the NBA, Adam Silver, hands down second-round judgments.
Things are still massively unsettled as of this writing. I (and every other mock draft, all of which know much more than I do) will use that fact to couch all guesses and explain all mistakes. I will also freely admit that this mock draft is 100 percent conjecture. There's not even a smidgen of enterprise involved.
I know that got you excited to read! With that, let's mock.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers: Nerlens Noel (scouting report)
Thanks for keeping it fun, Cleveland, but it's time to come to Calipareezus and pick NerNo.
2. Orlando Magic: Ben McLemore (scouting report)
The whole push by teams further down the top 10 to convince everyone that McLemore sucks has been pretty sexy, but it's also pretty obvious to people like Rob Hennigan who are in the trenches.
3. Washington Wizards: Otto Porter (scouting report)
Ernie Grunfeld wouldn't Alex Len his team's fans, would he?
4. Charlotte Bobcats: Anthony Bennett (scouting report)
The one terrible team that needs a big man in love with watching himself take shots.
5. Phoenix Suns: Victor Oladipo (scouting report)
The Suns almost can't lose: there are five strong prospects at the top, and they are guaranteed to get one at worst.
6. New Orleans Pelicans: Alex Len (scouting report)
I honestly have no clue what to think about Len. But enough Maryland fans have cringed to give me pause about the glowing projections from some, including our own Jonathan Tjarks.
7. Sacramento Kings: Trey Burke (scouting report)
This is pretty much a coup for Sacramento. Note that the conventional wisdom has the Kings taking C.J. McCollum here. I just can't imagine new GM Pete D'Alessandro passing up a pick-and-roll wizard who can shoot.
8. Detroit Pistons: C.J. McCollum (scouting report)
McCollum is going in the top 10, though. I think. Possibly.
9. Minnesota Timberwolves: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope (scouting report)
Caldwell-Pope in Minnesota is the best fit in the lottery, period. He'll do wonders for them ... if Rick Adelman, notoriously tough on rookies, plays him.
10. Portland Trail Blazers: Steven Adams (scouting report)
I can think of nothing that will make LaMarcus Aldridge happier than a project center three years from contributing.
11. Philadelphia 76ers: Shabazz Muhammad (scouting report)
On the one hand, new Sixers GM Sam Hinkie is all into advanced stats. On the other hand, Ben Howland. (When will we have enough former UCLA prospects to put together a class action suit? I mean, at least the abuse has ended.)
12. Oklahoma City Thunder: Sergey Karasev (scouting report)
Kendrick Perkins' next best friend.
13. Dallas Mavericks: Dennis Schroeder (scouting report)
An easily dealable pick, and perhaps even someone the Mavericks can convince to stash. I mean, Michael Carter-Williams probably isn't consenting to spend his rookie season in Turkey ...
14. Utah Jazz: Michael Carter-Williams (scouting report)
Am I the only one who keeps imagining Devin Harris on Michael Carter-Williams' body? Just me? Okay.
15. Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis Adetokunbo (scouting report)
After drafting John Henson, Tobias Harris and Larry Sanders in recent years, it's a stunner John Hammond doesn't take Rudy Gobert here.
16. Boston Celtics: Cody Zeller (scouting report)
Trevor Ruszkowksi-USA TODAY Sports
17. Atlanta Hawks: Shane Larkin (scouting report)
The Hawks have back-to-back picks and a wide-open roster. Jeff Teague is a free agent, so point guard seems like a smart target. And Larkin will potentially be quite good.
18. Atlanta Hawks: Gorgui Dieng (scouting report)
A Dieng-Al Horford frontcourt would be pretty incredible on defense, right?
19. Cleveland Cavaliers: Lucas Nogueira (scouting report)
Bebe! The next Anderson Varejao (because they are Brazilian Cavaliers, you see?).
20. Chicago Bulls: Allen Crabbe (scouting report)
Crabbe is one of a number of wing scorers (Jamaal Franklin, Tony Snell, Tony Mitchell) who could sneak into the teens or sink into the second round. I like Crabbe quite a lot, and not just because he shares a last name with a Harry Potter villain. (Lot o' nerds going to be buying this jersey.)
21. Utah Jazz: Kelly Olynyk (scouting report)
Kelly Olynyk: the Canadian alt hero kids in Provo yearn for.
22. Brooklyn Nets: Reggie Bullock (scouting report)
After watching Gerald Wallace struggle over the last few months, help on the wing is very necessary. Bullock is a plug-and-play type.
23. Indiana Pacers: Tony Snell (scouting report)
Tony Snell is the Andrea Bargnani of wings in that he is probably going to be a historically bad rebounder. He might average negative rebounds. But hey, he can shoot!
24. New York Knicks: Tim Hardaway, Jr. (scouting report)
Already scanning Twitter for Knicks fans who think they drafted the NBA All-Star Tim Hardaway.
25. L.A. Clippers: Mason Plumlee (scouting report)
I, for one, can't think of a better heir apparent to DeAndre Jordan.
26. Minnesota Timberwolves: Livio Jean-Charles
In a stunner, Livio Jean-Charles is the first Frenchman off the board. How I hope he's similar to Sacha Baron Cohen's character in Talladega Nights.
27. Denver Nuggets: Archie Goodwin (scouting report)
Kentucky prospects always go in the first round, even against all odds.
28. San Antonio Spurs: Rudy Gobert (scouting report)
There's Gobert! A potential lottery pick falling to the Spurs. Because of course.
29. Oklahoma City Thunder: Mike Muscala (scouting report)
Countdown to the short-lived, seldom-used "Mike Muscles" nickname. In 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ...
30. Phoenix Suns: Jamaal Franklin (scouting report)
And Phoenix's two first-round picks immediately become Phoenix's two best players. (No offense to Goran Dragic.)