When I saw that Joe Johnson made the Eastern Conference roster for the 2014 NBA All-Star Game in New Orleans, I thought it was a joke or a typo. This can't be possible. Joe Johnson? He's ... an ... All-Star?
Yep, and he's also going to be competing in the Three-Point Shootout as well. How does this happen? (That's a rhetorical question.)
But while I could sit here and name five players that are WAY MORE deserving and exciting than Johnson (don't believe me? Arron Afflalo, Kyle Lowry, Kemba Walker, Jeff Teague and Lance Stephenson), it won't do us any good to complain and whine about it. At this point, we can do nothing else but accept this choice for a side that might be the most pitiful All-Star roster since 2001. You know, the time when the East started Anthony Mason and Antonio Davis? Yep.
Instead, let's cause some real anarchy. Let's think about how Johnson can steal the show and be the MVP of the weekend.
As the newly self-installed president of the Joe Johnson for King of All-Star Weekend club, I have a three-point plan to make this happen. Just hear me out on this.
Wear every single pair of Jordans that can be found
Jordan Brand has inexplicably blessed Johnson with a deal to wear MJ's famous sneakers during his NBA career. If you're a sneakerhead like me, one of the few joys I get out of actually watching Johnson play is the off chance that he might wear some J's I've never seen before.
Therefore, since Johnson is performing in the Three-Point Shootout and the All-Star Game, he should change his shoes every five minutes. He needs to wear all the signature Jordans and the team Jordans during the weekend. Heck, he should come out on Friday and wear the Jordan slide-on slippers.
Go hard or go home, Joe. Wear all the Jordans in your massive closet! You might never have this stage again.
Thoroughly win the 3-Point Shootout
I know that Joe Jeezy's currently ranked 48th in three-point percentage (38.6 percent) this season, and I know that this is his worst offensive season in 11 years. But none of this matters. He must win the three-point shootout. Here's how I see it happening:
1. Johnson will come into the locker room before the event wearing a neon-green Jordan outfit and the newest Air Jordan XX8's.
2. He will also have his stereo on his shoulder like Radio Raheem did in Do The Right Thing. But he won't be playing Public Enemy, no sir. He'll be playing Young Jeezy.
3. After playing this anthem on repeat for 45 minutes, his competition will have no choice but to sit this one out. Therefore, Johnson wins. Success.
Go into Glen Rice mode
Here's the thing: Johnson is going to have to log real minutes in the 2014 NBA All-Star Game. Dwyane Wade's isn't going to play much because his knees are on a pitch count. Outside of the three East starters, there's no one else on the roster really capable of playing small forward. You could even make the case that Johnson is the best shooter on the East roster. Dare I say, the East NEEDS Joe Jeezy!
Which means we could possibly get Johnson to replicate one of the most random great moments in All-Star history: The Glen Rice quarter.
A couple of things to note about that offensive explosion in 1997:
- Rice wasn't looking to pass the ball once. We all know that Johnson is not about that passing life.
- Rice was flanked by Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan, two guys who were probably looking to recover from partying that weekend and had their mind set on trying to defend the NBA title. Johnson could be flanked by LeBron James, Wade and Chris Bosh ... guys who may be looking to recover from partying and have their mind set on trying to defend the NBA title. They'll have no problems letting Joe Jeezy get up as many shots as he wishes.
- Rice's Charlotte Hornets got swept in the first round of the playoffs. Johnson's Nets could very easily get swept in the first round of the playoffs too.
Happy Hour drink recommendation: Up In Arms. Because I think we all were up in arms when we saw Johnson's name included on the East roster. But you know what? Johnson will be up in arms, hoisting that MVP trophy above his head. He'll did it for the haters.