The Memphis Grizzlies appear to be cleaning house, leaving the organization in disarray and the team possibly without a coach. Only one man can bring them back to the Western Conference finals as a player/manager. That man: the immortal Mike Miller.
1. LIKES A CHALLENGE. Mike Miller once owned a monkey and took good care of it. Do you know how hard it is to take care of a monkey and what a management triumph primate ownership is even for something as small as a capuchin monkey? Were you aware that monkey biscuits are real and required because you cannot feed your monkey pizza and beer? Even though this would be hilarious? And that Mike Miller's monkey once escaped and rode his Great Dane down the street of his neighborhood? Mike Miller was committed and organized enough to do this until he had a child, after which he "got rid" of the monkey.
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2. CAN TAKE CARE OF COMPLEX PROBLEMS. Mike Miller also once got rid of a monkey. That seems hard, too, but it's proof that when the hard decisions have to be made, Mike Miller is capable of making them in a swift, decisive manner, leaving no trace of the problem. NOTE: If Mike Miller is killed in the next few days by a grizzled, vengeful monkey with a straight razor, this statement is invalid.
3. HE CAN'T DIE ON YOU. Mike Miller, by virtue of living in Florida for many years and simply breathing the air, requires no vaccinations because he already has every possible disease. By not dying from all of them at once, he has become immortal and thus a great investment.
4. IS AN UPRIGHT CITIZEN. Stands up for what he believes, mostly because his knee joints are fused together and his legs no longer bend like a human's.
5. WINNER. Has played for six NBA teams, all of whom have won at least one game with him on the roster.
6. BRINGS ENERGY. Drinks. Energy drinks, most likely expired ones from his own line, L.I.F.E. (Let it fly energy drinks.) (He already gets branding!)
8. THRIFT, PART ONE. Will detail players' cars on the side for 20 bucks not just as a side hustle, but also because he's passionate about making your ride look as boss as possible for the weekend.
9. THRIFT, PART TWO. Hasn't paid for a utility bill in 10 years, so will keep a tight fist around those precious small-market purse strings. May also steal cable for entire FedExForum free of charge.
10. HAS SEEN GREATNESS. And by greatness, we mean that Mike watched a 74-year-old Patrick Ewing play for the Orlando Magic in 2002.
11. CAN PROVIDE NEEDED SCORING OFF THE BENCH. If we turn out-of-bounds off for the season, he can even just sink them from a folding chair on the baseline.
12. EXUDES AUTHORITY. Has no fewer than 38 tattoos, making him eligible to hold the highest public offices and other positions of authority in the city of Memphis.
13. WILL BRING BACK YOUR CAR AS SOON AS HE GETS THIS THING CLEARED UP. He promises, just a day or two more and he'll get his car out of impound or whatever you call it. Stop whining, dude. All that biking and walking is good for you. (Do not look in the spare tire compartment. Then you're a part of this, and you do not want to be a part of this.)