Don't have a horse in the race during Saturday's games? You do now, because Spencer Hall is here to help you decide which teams to root for in Week 5.
Miami at Clemson, 12:00 p.m.
Quarterbacks aren't generally likable, but the ones that throw INTs have a certain joie de vivre to them.
Take Jacory Harris and his 31 flavors of pickishness. He'll throw them long. He'll throw them short. He'll loft a shot duck into the arms of a shocked defensive linemen after a hit, but he's also capable of the really artful deep ball thrown into the teeth of a safety, too. The inspiration comes with the next series, because no matter how many picks Jacory Harris throws he winds up for the next one like he's about to throw three TDs on the next single pass. Fifteen black roulette spins in a row? I'LL TAKE RED DEALER AND MAKE IT SNAPPY. It'd make me put my face through a sheet of glass slowly if I were a Miami fan, but the luxury of distance changes your flouncy nightmare of a turnover machine into my noon shift entertainment, Canes fans.
Ohio State at Illinois, 12:00 pm.
The 1990s were a special time for all of us. Fat pants. Seinfeld jokes. Tamagotchi. Using Football gear with unspeakable patterns, like the blue gator scale golf shirts seen here. Ron Zook was indeed once a young man with a Lloyd Christmas butt cut hairdo and a demotion to special teams coordinator, headbutting players when they came off the field and leaping around like a toddler who'd gotten into a bag of candy. Look at the sheen of youth on the man! The come hither sultriness about the eyes, the cocky tilt of his posture. That's a man about to take life by the udders and make himself some smooth, silky success-butter.
Surely coaching at Florida and Illinois couldn't have changed the man too much along the way--
Lean: Illinois. (Out of sympathy.) (Because they gonna die.)
Virginia Tech at NC State, 3:30 p.m.
Russell Wilson is now the official most underrated quarterback in the nation, meaning soon everyone and Mark May will begin telling you this. We cannot have you behind the curve, football hipsters: you liked Russell Wilson so much better in his neglected work in 2008 and 2009, back when it was alt to like him and the lamestreamers hadn't discovered him yet. I mean, it's cool if you want to like him, but NC State is getting mentioned on ESPN and stuff. You need to get on the newness like Florida International or North Dakota State*. They're pretty obscure, you probably haven't heard of them.
Lean: Virginia Tech. (An ironic lean, though.)
*Liking an FCS team over an FBS team is the most football-alt thing you can do.
Wisconsin at Michigan State, 3:30 p.m.
Michigan State fan: It would take an icy cold bastard to look at Michigan State in this game and pick against them. Mark Dantonio could have died after the Notre Dame game, and will return to coach from the booth. How can you look up in that booth with half a heart, reader, and not see the devotion of a man willing to risk life and limb to exhort his football team toward victory? How could you doubt that kind of dedication, and not reward it with your cheers and enthusiasm?
Wisconsin: We lead the nation in per capita alcohol, cheese, and sausage consumption. Heart attacks are called "Twice on Wednesday," dude.
Texas at Oklahoma, 3:30 p.m
Did you know they fried things at this game? Why, the Texas State Fair will fry just about anything!
- Mars Bars
- Cell phones
- An entire Toyota Yaris
- Time <---just blew your mind
Tennessee at LSU, 3:30
Georgia at Colorado, 7:00 p.m
Stanford at Oregon, 8:00 p.m
Florida at Alabama, 8:00 p.m