This Week In Schadenfreude: The Les Miles Misery Machine

What part of WATCH THE FAKE did you not hear the internet screaming?

Les Miles sends his opponent to the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness with help from the devil. A baby soils itself. Some person who is not me screams at Rich Rodriguez. And Monte Kiffin is wished dead. This is college football. This is TWIS.

Good lord. I curled up in a ball of whiskey and misery Saturday night after getting BOOM TILA TEQUILA'D by Michigan State. In doing so I missed a grand compilation of misery that saw somewhere between one and three games displace my grim Saturday night assumption that the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness would be headed to Ann Arbor.

I'm not sure how many there are because I didn't have to make tough decisions after Les Miles's pact with the devil claimed Florida:

Oh my God. Orson Swindle has no words. He does not need them:

Allmyfriendsaredead_medium

That's the kind of thing that needs to be found in a game thread just so you can watch someone's head explode, and Alligator Army provided an all time classic:

Image_medium

And then there's this guy:

Are you *($%&*%#$&*(%#$y&*(325inhg kiddingme
god 89787*(&*(� dammit it

He's not wrong. Florida secures the Tears, and the devil is staring at Les Miles's soul feeling like he got the short end of a deal for the first time.

ACC

Miami got bludgeoned by Florida State in the first FSU game they've sold out at the stadium The Seventh Floor Crew refers to as "Sad Fake Orange Bowl." They also gave Randy Shannon a four-year extension this offseason. This combination is not so good:

If I wasn't already an atheist

I would no longer believe in any god after that half.

by dave6834 on Oct 9, 2010 6:58 PM PDT

Later, that same guy says The Most Wrong Thing That Has Ever Been Said: "Football is supposed to make me forget stress not compound it." That guy is this weeks This Guy, Eh. This guy, eh?

We covered some harsh words from the normally understanding Boston College fanbase last week. After getting stomped 44-17 by NC State and former Eagles coach Tom O'Brien, a picture of a baby will suffice:

Bc2010_medium

If BC's offensive coordinator is a 900 year old man named Gary Tranquill, maybe this is BC defensive coordinator Steve EXPLOSIONS. We'll call the movie The Curious Case Of Boston College's Backwards Hiring Decisions. It is "officially hockey season" at BC, by the way, which is a statement that can be made at exactly two schools nationwide. (Minnesota is the other.)

Clemson lost to North Carolina's second string and the knives are coming out for ACC Tim Brewster. Block C's all caps headline asks "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Commenter "Riggs" explains via the magic of gravatar:

No GravatarRiggs on Oct 10, 2010 at 5:42 pm:

Quick breakdown of the new gravatar:

The team is Butters, who thinks he is about to do something cool, but is actually sucking dick.

The Coaches are Carkman, who thinks he’s doing something tricky and slick, but is actually doing something really gay.

And we, the fans, are Butter’s dad. We’re witnessing this act in shock and dismay.

I'd dig out the Tommy Bowden references but Clemson fans talk about Tommy Bowden 90% of the time no matter what's going on. They talk about Bowden all the time when their "blind, or blatantly stupid" coaching staff refuses to run Andre Ellington:

In the post game press conference, Dabo said "I'm embarrassed.....couldnt get the running game going today." Well, if he had half a brain, he'd see that his OC didn't even CALL THE RUNNING PLAYS TO TRY TO RUN THE DAMN BALL. YOUR HORSE SAT ON THE DAMN SIDELINES THE ENTIRE GAME AND DIDNT GET THE BALL WHEN HE WAS IN THE BALLGAME.

Pretty soon they'll be saying things like "I miss Tommy Bowden," but not before email campaigns to fire the athletic director. Seriously, that link above has the email address of everyone on the Clemson equivalent of the board of trustees.

Big East

Not much action with many of the teams playing creampuffs before the meat of the conference schedule but UConn did lose to Rutgers, officially flatlining the up and coming Huskies meme that was already pretty much flatlined after a two-touchdown loss to Temple. Now we get in the Most Common Internet Misspelling, this one in stereo:

To me, it appeared that we may be on the way to bigger and better things. UCONN football will be fun to watch. Gone was the awful play "not to loose" Edsall  torture way.  It permitted me to forget the torture HDRE put me, and perhaps other UCONN football fans through...... UCONN was going to play real football. Football that would be fun to watch. WIN OR LOOSE.

(Please don't interrupt this post with the BS that "it's the win that counts". As a football fan first and UCONN fan second, that notion is absolute BS. Stronger words could describe it better)

Football is a wonderful game to watch. Edsall ball is freak'n torture. No, it's not just "the win that counts". It's HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED THAT COUNTS! Sorry, I drifted a bit......The torture chamber is back. Tonight, it was my own TV room. 

You will not be surprised that this is one of those guys who abbreviates the coach's name "HCRE." I'm surprised he didn't managed to stick an O in there somewhere. Elsewhere, we get a rare "castrated" drop combined with This Is A Man Who:

Shame on Randy Edsall!

That kid QB never completed a pass when they blitzed him.  But Edsall castrated play-not-to-lose philosophy wouldn't allow him to rush the passer.  A shameful performance. Clearly, this is a man incapable of being anything other than mediocre.

Nice guy.  A nice guy who finishes last.

He's a nice guy who finishes fourth, actually.

Big Ten

For the record, this is not me swearing like a pirate during Michigan's third straight loss to Michigan State:

I wonder what this guy thinks about punting with six minutes left down 17?

He thinks what everyone thinks, just much louder. Our Scott Tenorman of the Week, who I would like to again stress is not me, swears explosively in a couple more videos you can catch at the MZone. They're pretty much just like the others in that they are very angry and do not star me.

Despite all that, I'm not entirely sure that was the most miserable loss of the weekend in the Big Ten since Penn State lost to Illinois. By 20 points. On homecoming. Even the newspaper guys are deploying the All F Report Card; people at CBS Sports not named Gregg Doyel are saying it's a "no-brainer" that "Joe Paterno needs to go ahead and retire to save the administration from having to run him off." It's the middle of the decade again. JoePa's Doghouse calls it an—

Alpaca-out-of-fucking-nowhere_medium

—and says "we're in for the worst week of self-immolation, naval gazing, and disoriented manic depression in recent memory as a Penn State fan." Must be nice to not remember the last time your weekend was destroyed to the point where your friends wake up on their hallway floor (10/31/2009, Michigan not much, Illinois lots—friend put sign on the door that said "no candy, Michigan football killed Halloween").

This is all bloody fate's fault. Seriously this time. At one point Saturday Penn State was down 10(!) defensive starters:

ROB BOLDEN GOES FOR A WALK WITH THE PENN STATE DEFENSE

Rob Bolden: "Hi, Drew Astorino, Mike Mauti, Nate Stupar, Ollie Ogbu, D’Anton Lynn, and Pete Massaro. Let’s go for a walk."

Everyone says ok! They go for a walk.

Drew Astorino: "A snake just bit me."
Mike Mauti: "A wizard put a curse on my knee!"
Nate Stupar: "Someone just changed my name to Subpar."
Ollie Ogbu: "I guess I’m the only one left."
D’Anton Lynn: "I’m running away with John Sacca!"
Pete Massaro: "They put a curse on my knee too. That’s unorginal!"
Rob Bolden: "This walk was a bad idea."

"I do not have enough energy to scream, so I will sit here until this is over or until the middle of the 4th quarter when I will leave so I can miss traffic."

by ReadingRambler on Oct 11, 2010 7:31 AM PDT

They have a bye, so things should pick up from there, right? Maybe not:

Penn State's best play was the punt -- and the hope that the Illinois return man would fumble.

Big Twelve

Nothing interesting happened in the Big 12. Some cupcakes were crushed, Texas A&M came up just short against Arkansas, and the conference have-nots didn't have any against Nebraska and Missouri. Colorado's just waiting around to fire Hawkins, A&M is too tuned out to care, and Iowa State knew it was too good to be true. Moving on…

Pac-10

You know, a guy who writes a column about fans saying dumb things on the internet could get used to USC losing in painful fashion. Last week we found out that some crazy guy on some indie message board calls Lane Kiffin "goatboy" for unknown reasons. This week we find that the disease has spread:

Goatboy playing the 'poor me' card

By: McGuire

Only bringing 52 players ... acting like he is short handed. Hell, he only uses 4 guys on O anyway so what is the difference. Stop with excuses Boy Wonder ... no one wants you to do well anyway, you f*cking fraud.

This is amazing. USC, more than any other team in the country, has a coaching staff that can claim that their roster is shorthanded for reasons external to them (except insofar as Lane Kiffin aided and abetted the culture that got USC nailed, but whateva). The Trojans have four backs with at least 20 carries and seven with at least seven catches. And this guy says no one even wants the first-year coach to succeed. Such concentrated rancor and wrong is commendably stupid.

But not to be outdone is last week's nut, who defends Kiffin's playcalling after a 35-point output and then says "I hope his old man fucking DIES tonight." This San Clemente guy might be the worst person on the internet, and once I saw a cartoon of deep-fried (and apparently unharmed) Japanese schoolgirls on sticks that was supposed to be erotic.

Across town, UCLA's wildly successful switch to the pistol came to screeching halt against Cal, which had just gotten gashed for 52 points by Nevada but shut down the Bruin ground game to the tune of 26 yards. We can resume the Bruins Nation Spastic Twitch watch, then. The volcano is beginning to tremble:

If anyone here is in the mood for cheap words and excuses here is the post-game video wrap up from official site. Once again we have to hear about how our guys need to work on the "small things." Whatever.

That's followed up by a "Call to Action" advocating Radical Change, literally:

It's time for some radical change.  It's time to stop being Donahue-esque and complacent.  If we're going to win and go to the next level (consistently challenging for the Pac-10 title), then we need to break from our mediocre past and do what is necessary to win.

One of these moves is dumping Norm Chow. The stage has been set for the poster to return to his list of insane demands in two months, note that Neuheisel did not shove a small mammal in a blender before the USC game to fire up the troops, and inch BN closer to global thermonuclear war.

We are moving the BN DEFCON to 3. They're mentioning Terry Donahue in connection with the current program. DEFCON 2 is "Stop being Donahue-esque and, I don't want to say this, but there is the tiniest inkling of this other coach we don't speak of." DEFCON 1 is "THIS IS DORRELL ALL OVER AGAIN" and the Rose Bowl is the site of either a nuclear blast or some guys from the internet wearing Anonymous masks waving signs about accountability.

SEC

There's not much out there on Alabama despite the Tide's first loss in 19 games, because though fans are crazy they're not crazy enough to start frothing at a 95% win rate. Most of them, anyway:

COMPLACENTCY

by silentboob on Oct 9, 2010 4:06 PM PDT

That's all. It'll take another couple losses to get the dander up for real.

Next week: Texas plays Nebraska, so someone's going to be srsly pissed off. Can Georgia lose to Vandy? Entirely possible. Can LSU lose to McNeese State? Also entirely possible (note: not actually possible). Can USC drop to 1-3 in the Pac-10 and what will that guy who wants Monte Kiffin dead say if they do?

Book cover image from "All My Friends Are Dead," by Avery Monsen and Jory John, available from Chronicle Books.

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