This Week In Schadenfreude: I Just Woke Up And Texas Is Losing To Iowa State

People wake up from their slumber to find Armageddon going on in Austin. The Maginot line makes multiple appearances. You can't throw a rock in Iowa City without hitting a girl who was depressed even before you hit her with a rock. And a Notre Dame rant Beyond Thunderdome.

It's tough for a team to end up above the fold twice in a single season if only because rage spikes at progressively lower levels as the season progresses. You can't shatter a dream twice. But lose for the first time ever to a team coming off 68-27 and 52-0 losses, and do so by managing six points before Iowa State(!) takes the boot off your throat and it's Tears of Unfathomable Sadness time for Texas. Again. This is indisputable when there are two threads from the weekend right next to each other like so:

Someone drops the "is this real life?" reference in response, except for Texas fans instead of a magical painfree world where everything is funny you've got Greg Davis driving the hand-selected top talent in Texas into the ground.

It's gotten weird in the mirror universe. Davis, the easy Weisman(tm) frontrunner, has defenders. A "No QB should EVER have 10 completions for 43 yards" thread has people actually saying "I'm starting to believe and understand GD's playcalling now." Others call for McCoy. If you think that's more sarcasm you forgot about Case. There is another. Not that it will matter since he'll just throw bubble screens for two yard losses.

On the other hand:

Greg Davis might in fact be satan.. He surely convinced me of that today.

First of all, we were averaging 6+ yards a carry that game.. but we CONSTANTLY came out in 5 wide. Not to mention Iowa State is giving up an average of 200 yards rushing a game... We shouldve attacked them right at their weak spot.

It's bad when the guy saying the OC might actually be Satan is also making cogent points about the game plan. Lightning bolt DJ Monroe, the one guy to show some spark in the Oklahoma game, had one carry for ten yards. The mind boggles, then breaks down and starts talking about North Korea:

Dawnpatrol said:

The entire Texas Longhorn game experience is like going to a f---ing Dallas Cowboys, piped in music, overblown, bad acting hollywood, NFL, fake tits, botox, jerry jones, carnival, friday night lights, las vegas, kim jong-il mind fuck!

Finally, the Texas offensive line:



Maginot. Also in that post of epic analogies, "Garrett Gilbert plays the quarterback position like Pat Boone plays rhythm and blues.  Without soul, feeling, or ability."

This could go on, but the rest of the week in spleen must be covered.


Slim pickings this week as Boston College fans are literally in the "shrug" phase of their awful season and the other losers were Duke, a mutilated UNC program, and Georgia Tech. Now, you might expect an engineering school used to year after year of Chan Gailey Equilibrium to take 'er easy, man, after an Orange Bowl bid last year. I certainly did, and the first thing I ran across was this stereotype-fulfilling line that makes this Most French WWII Disaster TWIS Ever:

GT Football 2011: The Maginot O-Line

But This Guy exist in every fan base:

Default I'm furious right now!

This is bull****. Now way in hell we should be this bad. At this rate, Georgia is going to land another 51-7 on us, and sadly, I'm not exaggerating. What the **** is wrong with these ****ers? We are so fundamentally bad it is disturbing. I've never seen a GT team go from so good to so bad so quick (I was too young to remember 1991). Paul Johnson is ****ing up in his own right. Instead of accepting that we can't take advantage of single coverage no matter how tactically sound it may seem, he continues the futile 15+ yard passes. Bloody brilliant. This is bull****. Let's all burn something. Couches....

No, Nawaab. That just makes you like everyone else. This Guy, Eh gets the usual round of Good Thing You Weren't Around In The Long Long Ago, but this feature found a swearin', couch-burnin' Georgia Tech fan. Next we'll dig up a West Virginia fan talking up the merits of Earl Grey…

Big East

…except not really. But since West Virginia did just lose to Syracuse we do get to visit the most CAPS!!! board in existence. Here the thread titles are all you need:

Except in the "We should let Huggins be the interim coach!" thread, because these are the responses:

  • "This thought has crossed my mind too.  But most likely NCAA rules would not allow one person to coach both basketball and football."
  • "Can you imagine Coach Huggins roaming the sidelines, getting aftter the refs, and getting onto his assistants.  I think he would do more than cross his arms and shake his head."
  • "I was just going to say this last night. Huggins would obviously make a better coach than Stew simply because he would motivate the players, and with him they would perform, period."
  • Aaaand "The guy is obese, drinks, and has heart issues, and you want to give him tons more pressure?  OK."

Hire Basketball Coach Now.

Big Ten

Whoever was directing the Iowa-Wisconsin game may have just gone through a painful breakup because whoah did that guy love crowd shots of miserable girls. Seriously:










If you want to see that last girl chew her hand and make a desperate plea to an uncaring or possibly actively hostile greater power, it animates at 30fps. I have made that exact facial expression about 40 times in the last three years.

It was so bad over the weekend that even that collection of Korean teen pop stars that spent last year making sweet, chase love to an Iowa helmet popped up on GIF Party exploding:




That's a funeral for Girls' Generation.

Usually this is where an extensive breakdown of the latest Notre Dame internet self-immolation would go, but there's no need. In fact, adding anything to this epic rant from EDSBS regular Ancient Chinese Secret would be blasphemous. It defines the purpose of swearing, and also Notre Dame football:

ND Nation… whatever. It's not the same anymore.

Big Twelve

Everyone's complaining about the wrong thing when it comes to Bob Stoops after Oklahoma went down to Missouri. OU scored to pull within nine and the Sooners went for two; they failed. Some hack on the beat badgered him about the decision afterwards as if Oklahoma didn't have to get two points sooner or later, and newspaper articles were written about it. Newspaper articles were not written about what happened just after: down nine with no timeouts and 2:30 on the clock. Stoops punted. Oklahoma not only lost its spot at the top of the BCS pecking order but lost meekly.

The only solution is to hate that part out of yourself:

When Bob looks into the mirror tonight, he will see a glimpse of someone who quit,,,and I HOPE HE HATE THAT PART OUT OF HIMSELF and come back even stronger...ohlord

Everyone is still ticked off about the two-point call, though. I mean, what is it about math that eludes people?

I am stunned that Stoops' decision on that failed two point conversion is not a bigger story.  I suppose it's because of the fact that it proved to be irrelevant to the final outcome, but it was one of the dumbest decisions he's ever made as the coach at OU.  His explanation after the game that he went for it so they would know what they had to do on the ensuing kickoff is quite possibly the most stupid thing I've ever heard.  I'm sure this will illicit the typical "So you think you're smarter than the coach" type comments, but even the casual football fan is smart enough to realize you kick the PAT there and give yourself a chance to be within one score kicking the onsides.

You're down eight points if you kick the PAT. Score a touchdown and you have to go for two. Guh. I don't even want to talk about this any more. This is why the economy is terrible.


UCLA walked into Autzen and got nuked but since the big debate amongst the UCLA fanbase before the game was "Little Boy or Fat Man?" response is muted even though it was the latter. Arizona State fans don't exist on the internet and Washington State fans are probably delirious that they kept it within ten points against Stanford, but at least we can wring a Willingham reference out of Dawgman in the aftermath of Washington's 44-14 clubbing at the hands of Arizona, right?

Yes, but barely, and worryingly for Sarkisian (who no doubt uses this column as a weekly barometer of his job security) the reference matter-of-factly lumps the two together instead of spawning an enormous argument:

3) Someone who's a good game day coach. I think we've given Sark enough benefit of the doubt. Forget about his guys and Ty's guys. Sark's playbook is just as full of bad plays as Ty's, maybe a little better, but it's not going to get us what we want

…and it's a part of a four-point criteria for the next guy. So they've moved on to The Cancer Goes All The Way To The Top and that's no fun. But this is:

Hey doogs! How much would you pay me?

I'm 28 never coached before but I bleed purple. Played some MLB in HS and I am super TUFF! I get real upset and throw stuff when the D sucks. I don't let anyone impose their will on me and my favorite word is AWESOME! Plus I have a full head of hair and I hate losing.

Now I know what you are thinking. Let's make this man DC. No, I don't want the job. I heard you guys support some dude from LSU with a BA in Political Science and no experience in athletic administration for AD. Well I have a BA from UW in History and I used to clean the pool at the local swim and tennis club when I was in high school. This job also required me to mow lawns. Now I wasn't on the tennis team but I did play for fun and I am scheduled to climb Rainier in August with RMI. I competed on the swim team and occasionally judged at dive meets.

I am quite certain that this qualifies me for the job of head groundskeeper liaison between UW and Qwest field. I will ensure that UW banners get hung on Saturdays and that everyone thinks purple but acts green.

It will likely take me at least 9+ yrs to hire a competent staff but I am very positive that the move to D3 will ease the pressure to the point that I will be able to contribute heavily to a fan friendly experience that includes hydroplane races, youth soccer halftime matches, and women's basketball championship recognitions.

I offer all of these services for a mere 187k annually. I would appreciate your positive feedback. Be warned that any negative comments will likely cause me to avoid this bored and accuse you of jumping off the bandwagon. I may even cancel my premium subscription.

I can't believe that guy doesn't win the internet but this is a brutal week. Elsewhere in Washington fandom, they're predicting a loss to the Cougars.


Normally I'd ignore a rote blowout suffered a team that was obviously going to get blown out but… dude… what is this Tennessee fan thinking?



You're playing Alabama. The last moment of fleeting happiness you had before this was about an overtime win over UAB you didn't deserve. You got the epic dong-punch from the Les Miles "oh God it's mutated and is now contagious" game. And still with the facepaint and eye patches. Just put your shirt on, man, and go to the game, and stay off television in the third quarter when everything goes to hell.

Elsewhere LSU finally ate it when Cam Newton hit warp speed and caused Gary Danielson to ooze indescribable liquids out of every orifice he has simultaneously. But the real tragedy is whatever this is, emphasis mine:

Les and Gary are retarded.   (Posted on 10/24/10 at 4:00 p.m.)

No other explanation. I know it is juvenile but damn it is opposite day with these bafoons. I want the the drill sargent from the geico commercial to grab them by the necks, call them Jack wagons and send these douches back to mamby pamby land. Rant over. I hate watching my Alma mater look like romper room on crack under the leadership of this assHAT.

The drill sergeant from the GEICO commercial? If BOSCEAUX isn't fifteen and living with Tim Tebow's parents he has no earthly excuse for this and should take the first train to namby-pamby land himself. Even if he followed that up with "frick u Herbstreit for shackling us with this sub-human."

Finally, this is one LSU fan's response to another that Miles "had his team where we also want them, with a shot to win it late in the game":




Aaand scene.

Next week: Oregon takes its H-bomb testing service to USC, which should be good for some "I wish Monte Kiffin was dead" posts. Either Penn State or Michigan has the final stake put in its season. And Florida returns from a bye week to inflict horror on its fans.

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