Les Miles iPad App: The Horror.

The Les Miles iPad app, "Miles Method," has been available for purchase for a couple weeks now, and I've been turning it over and over in my head, wondering how this could possibly be necessary for some human's happiness, somewhere. The description on the purchase page is unhelpfully vague:

The release of the LSU Football – Miles Method application makes the LSU Tigers the first collegiate athletic program to provide program content and video through an iPad app. The initial offering of the Miles Method will be made available for download at the Apple App store at no cost allowing maximum opportunity for fans and prospective student-athletes to experience LSU Football in this exciting new format.

After dancing with the white-hatted devil in the pale moonlight the past couple weeks, however, I feel like I've got a pretty good idea of what this thing is capable of:

• The Les Miles iPad app will clip your hangnails, then leach mercury into your blood.
• The Les Miles iPad app will repair every hole in every sock you own, then promptly disappear one of each pair from the dryer.
• The Les Miles iPad app will promise you a rose garden, but neglect to mention the flowers will be fertilized with your own flesh.
• The Les Miles iPad app will settle all your gambling debts electronically, and then ignite your iPad in an unquenchable, white-hot torrent of flame. The ashes, however, will settle into a neat, easily-retrievable pile, and will add a subtle smoky flavor when stirred into gumbo.

Payment for the Les Miles iPad app is accepted only in the form of actual wooden nickels, or skee-ball tokens for a favorable exchange rate.

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