This Week In Schadenfreude: Washington State Had A Plan, And Tried

Oregon State's brilliantly subtle fanbase frightens me; their football team frightens no one. Also: heads explode in Clemson, beat poetry is written about the Big East, teams starting with "I" get destroyed in the Big Ten, and Steve Addazio plays Atari.

Washington State hadn't won a Pac-10 game since squeezing out the worst Apple Cup ever in 2008, when the doomed Ty Willingham met the Cougars for the right to determine which team would finish the season winless against I-A opposition. They walked into Corvallis to play an Oregon State team that was 3-2 in the league and had hung with Boise State and TCU, and they pounded the Beavers 31-14. This was no fluke—Washington State outgained OSU by 117 yards.

After such an event you end up grasping for words that don't end up strings of unprintable expletives, and I'm amazed that the SB Nation Oregon State blog kept it in check for the most part. However, in doing so they served this up:

So how did it happen? How could a team ranked 119th. out of 120 FCS teams hold Oregon St., and Jacquizz Rodgers, to less than 100 yards rushing? How did the Cougars come up with their highest scoring game of the season, and do it on the road?

First and foremost, the Cougars tried. They came in with energy, but also a plan. And it was clear from the start, not just after the beat down was well under way, when it's always easy to be excited, that Washington St.'s entourage wanted to be there.

This is beautiful. It stands alone as the most ringing condemnation of any football program I've ever seen. Washington State tried, had a plan, and wanted to play football. So they won. You need to say nothing about your team when you can say that about Washington State. AndyPanda wins the internet, and my heart.

Elsewhere in Oregon State fandom, it's like a Downfall video made real!

I've seen a lot of those Hitler parody's

feels like the first time I've felt that anguish. Still depressed today.

Is that a Godwin's Law violation? Is he arguing with someone? Should I send this to the blog of unnecessary apostrophes? Is this guy complaining that the traffic advisory shown in the fourth quarter is the "worst idea I have seen at an OSU game in a long time" after the Beavers get blown out by Washington State oblivious or another genius of subtle sarcasm hidden in the OSU fanbase? I don't know. I fear them. If they turn their attention to me I might not know if they were making fun of me or not and then it would be like middle school all over again.

Best get this over with quickly. Tears of Unfathomable Sadness: Oregon State's. Week in spleen: next.

ACC

Holy crap! Maryland is 7-3! This has nothing to do with the column.

Clemson lost again, though, and I fear to tread into the photoshop-happy, seriously-pissed-off-you-guys Tiger blogosphere. When FSU blogs are saying the Seminoles "graciously accepts gift from Clemson," it's gon' be bad. And… go:

IT’S THE COACHING, STUPID

The Tigers had opportunity after opportunity last night but just kept letting the Seminoles hang around until they up and beat em. … At one point we punted on 4th and short from their 36 yard line, getting us a net 16 yards after the touchback. &$%#ing shrink-dick play calling like that (yes I just invented  term to sum up our offense) helped us lose this game. WE HAD A FIRST DOWN AT THE F#*&$ING TEN YARD LINE AND HAD TO KICK A F$*&%ING FIELD GOAL (SURPRISE: WE MADE IT).

Keep going:

Postgame Impression: Our Offensive Staff is an Abortion

Explodinghead_medium

I dont even know what to say anymore. What do you expect us to say after that garbage? I can barely control my rage enough to type legibly. Our offense has looked like complete dogshit since Auburn. If you think that our WRs and OL are well coached you are full of it. I had to hear the Pony tell me that Brad Scott was a great coach tonight, and his dumbass even questioned why we threw the ball in the red zone. YES EVEN THE PONY KNOWS DABO IS DUMB.

Pony = Craig James?

Keep going, albeit with added paragraphs from me:

Napier has to be metally retarded! REDZONE OFFENSE

I got one thing to say….Clemson’s OC is Mentally RETARDED! Seriously, Clemson runs it down FSU’s throat and they get inside the ten and he goes to five wides and an empty backfield and goes 3 and out not one running play not one + where do they find these kickers at the Picken’s flee market. …

Coach Swinney you wanna know why you didn’t win by 30…look at the looser you have calling your plays. Even on that interception it was 2 and goal from the 4, I believe……Harper average 5 ypc……… It really is a shame that the ACC could have had a truly dominate team but the coach it too good of a guy to fire someone who stinks at his job. I hate hearing oh miss opportunities….how about line up in the power eye and give manageable opps. FIRE NAPIER OR YOUR GOING TO LOOSE YOUR JOB DABO. I’m tired of hearing man good effort missed opp. come on now! Go get an equal to Kevin Steele and you won’t wind-up working tables at Denny’s…We might actually have a championship team. BN the OC got bailed out all last by Spiller that is obvious to us all now. Why did you hire this guy….go get Mark Whimple or someone who know’s how to win or we will fire you and go get Mike Leach

by Stephen Presley on Nov 14, 2010 1:30 AM PST

Even the guy who waited until Sunday titles the post "We are in a FREEFALL and only you can stop it," leaving us a difficult decision between any of the three above gentlemen for Scott Tenorman of the Week. I vote Stephen Presley and his "looser" addiction. BONUS: FFFFFUUUU-tage.

Big East

Not much this week other than Pitt losing a narrow one against UConn when Randy Edsall put it all on a Jordan Todman fourth-and-one run that picked up four. Todman went ham against the Panthers. This upcoming comment is completely awesome if you pretend it's being delivered at a poetry slam (get your mind right to prep):

Big lights = no fight

Miserable experience to watch as a fan.

Illprepared.

Poor QB.

No strategic thinking…team and coaching

Playing tight, playing not to lose

Big East brand killer.

Regressing.

Can’t handle prosperity.

Losing to less talented teams.

All of these phrases rush through my head (and many of my friends) when we watch Pitt FB.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I want to see all of the Wanny apologists defend him now. Oh, that’s right…we’re all haters, we are blind to the progress….look at he numbers….look at the recruiting…

WE ARE NO BETTER THAN WALT WITH WANNY.

Say we limp into the BCS with 8 wins to get mauled by Boise… have we really progressed sine we did the same thing in Walt’s final year.

Disgusting.

Comment by Pauly P 11.12.10 @ 4:44 am

*snapsnapsnapsnapsnap* Pauly P taking THE MAN… down. Elsewhere, Pitt Blather's users continue to bring it, with a Coach Ditka declaring it "another legendary debacle full of mistakes and confusion." That should go on Wannstedt's gravestone, though he'll probably be buried upside down in another state. But at least he'll still have all his timeouts.

Big Ten

It was a very bad day to be a Big Ten team that starts with the letter "I". Indiana was subject to execution Bielema style, as Wisconsin kept bombing away in the fourth quarter despite having turned the Hoosiers' mewling defense into a damp wet spot. Wisconsin had 13 possessions and scored 13 times. Eleven of those were touchdowns. This caused this one guy who's probably an engineer or a philosophy major or something to consider the meaning of consciousness:

One thing that separates humans from animals and order from chaos is an inner switch that most people possess that when they reach that point where they are just about to go off, they flip it.

"Well-formed rational faculties. Humans develop arguments, explore lines of logic, draw conclusions and form hypothesis."

But for 79 seconds after the 83 points settled in, I felt this way:

Thank God I'm human! Lets go boys. This should NEVER happen again.

Elsewhere in that thread user Zizkov takes a sunnier tack: "You realize IU was only 70-80 plays from winning?" Complaints about Bielema running up the score are met with "the way we were playing, they could've scored taking a knee." I am now convinced that Indiana has a worse defense than Michigan. It's ugly.

And now the world's least likely rivalry: did you know that Northwestern owns Iowa? If you live in Big Ten country, probably. If you don't prepare to have your mind blown. Northwestern has beaten Iowa five of the last six years. Srs. Iowa fans now sound like me talking about Michigan State:

Meanwhile, congratulations to Northwestern for winning their one-game season. Bravo guys. Didn't see the "turn the holding call meter down" move coming--at the least, it's measures classier than injuring Iowa's best player on offense. Northwestern will now finish the season 1-0 with the win over Iowa.

This is so bizarre. It's like that period when Florida State kept losing to Wake Forest except Wake Forest has remembered that they're terrible and Northwestern persists. How about This Guy, Eh?

I think we should turn down any bowl invite...

Will probably lose money for the university…

by Grixxly on Nov 13, 2010 12:52 PM PST

Iowa is going to turn down a January first game in Florida. Book it.

Completing our tour of miserable I schools is Illinois, which was 5-3 and headed for a Ron Zook redemption two weeks ago. A triple overtime thriller against Michigan was somewhat understandable, but losing 38-34 to Minnesota? 1-8, MAC-teams-think-is-a-speed bump Minnesota? What is this, Illinois blogger?

This is the worst thing I could have imagined happening

I'm sure a jumbo jet… an ebola outbreak… finding out your mom is really Craig James… no, you're probably right. In a subsequent post Hail To The Orange pulls out a melodramatic Mountain Goats song, declaring the loss of all-important swagger and going straight for This Marriage Isn't Working:

Like an unhappy married couple unwilling to get a divorce, Illini fans  know they will only be disappointed in their football team this season, bu t are willing at least to go through the motions of these final two weeks. We know it isn't working, and we realize now that it hasn't worked from the beginning, but hey there are still two games left, so lets make the most of what we have.

It's up, and it's good, by which we mean bad. Even I ended up livid, but I always end up livid when stuff like this happens:

After allowing another special teams blunder Zook topped it off with his usual lack of clock management. With 42 seconds left, Zook lets the clock run down to nearly 13 seconds. WE HAD ALL 3 TIMEOUTS! Why not stop the clock? Minn. couldn't get a first down. Why? How many times do we continually see this? Can't anyone be an advisor to help Zook? He obviously is not capable of doing this himself.

Argh argh argh argh. If it's any consolation to Illinois fans, almost everyone does this. I saw Bobby Petrino do it against Miami back when he was the hot young thing at Louisville. Everyone always does this always. It makes me want to throw a shoe.

Big Twelve

We've moved past the point where anyone's truly surprised when Texas does something atrocious like get down 33-3 against Oklahoma State, and have covered the many, many garment rendings in the aftermath. But in case you hate Mathew McConaughey ("I can't believe he butchered Jake Brigance! Heavens to Grisham!") here's this from the SBN tumblr and Mark J Rebilas:

Tumblr_lbw4iabov21qe5jh8o1_500_medium

via 30.media.tumblr.com

As EDSBS said, that's a celebrity fan willing to hang around when times get tough. Snoop Dogg fled Southern Cal after the sanctions and was last seen rocking a Kyle Rowley Northwestern jersey; McConaughey takes time off from his busy schedule starring opposite Katherine Heigl in every movie featuring a sassy gay best friend ever made and acting as Stephen Garcia's spirit guide to take in a 4-5 Texas team getting housed by upstart Oklahoma State.

Pac-10

Narrow victories for favored teams not involving Washington State and a bye week for Washington leave us fairly bereft here, but thanks to Really Sad Fans here's Cal fans wanting to die:
Cal-want-die_medium

SEC

Ole Miss got obliterated by Tennessee in the same way teams have obliterated Tennessee this year, and people are hitting their smartphones during the game to ask imaginary people who I'm pretty sure are dead how to prevent his children from growing up a stunted shell of a man:

Dear Abby,

I'm a fan and alumni of a premier University. I'm sitting at Neyland Stadium with my 6 yr old son, and the experience is quite traumatic on him. He keeps looking at the scoreboard saying, "I don't think we're going to win daddy". Our special teams is only "special" the same way as those kids that ride the short bus yo school. Our defense is near the bottom of our conference, and to make matters worse, Jevan Snead has stolen Masoli's jersey and is bounce-passing balls on Saturday....again!

At this point any advice or comforting words would help!
REBEL FAN

Abby's response: "I got nothing for ya."

In Florida what they want is Steve Addazio's head on a pike:

HEAD ON A PIKE

JUST PUT IT ON A PIKE ALREADY. Search the googles for Steve Addazio. Look at the first hit, yes, higher than sainted Wikipedia: Fire Steve Addazio.

PIIIIIIIIIIIIKE.

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