This column has a clear pecking order when it comes to sourcing rage: message boards are at the bottom of the list, random blogs a rung higher, established ones higher still. The occasional newspaper columnist that flips out and exposes himself to "Message Board or Newspaper?" is a rare treat that sits at the top of the ladder.
Or at least they did before Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini dropped from his RAGEOCOPTER in the sky and booted everyone IN THE FACE and took his place in the newly-instituted actual on-field coach rage wing of This Week In Schadenfreude. You've probably seen this before but it's worth seeing again if only to marvel at the tensile strength of Bo Pelini's arteries:
If any of us had done this our necks would have exploded, covering the sideline in a fine red mist and sending a head into orbit screaming incoherent gutteral rage.
Pelini also swore bloody murder at the refs to the point where he got a personal foul:
Bo's brother Carl attacked a reporter after the game, a 9-6 loss to Texas A&M that sees an actual head coach named Scott Tenorman of the Week. Nebraska double-dips with the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness before we even get to a Cornhusker fan. What say you, unfairly singled out representative of the Corn Nation?
I’ve seen worse.
Bo Pelini isn't Jake LaMotta yet, but give him another couple weeks.
A thunderously boring week with favorites winning everything and only Miami's loss to Virginia Tech coming at the expense of a school that expects something other than misery and woe (other losers: Wake, Duke, suspension-cratered UNC, Virginia, and Maryland). And even that school is full of people who can't be bothered to show up for a game against the best team in the league. I've got an idea:
ANY PLANS FOR A "SHANNON MUST GO" BLIMP AT THE USF
Will this catch the attention of powers that be?
A wag responds that this would be a "Waste of money cause no one will be at the game to see it," and someone follows up with the emoticon I've been waiting for my entire life:
It's beautiful. Should have sent a poet. Elsewhere there are a bunch of fun threads about whether or not people who want Shannon to go are racist and this reference to a disgraced ex-insider that has yet another amazing, amazing emoticon:
Aaaaaah, the guy that used have his following... Him, K9, and I forgot who else, but they had a cult following here on grassy... People used to take whatever those guys would say as gospel.... "I have the inside scoop." "I am close to so and so." Getting your thrills on pretending to being important or sh!t like that on a message board... makes no sense to me...
That's right. There is an ibis throwing up on an irritated smiley face. Emoticon Of The Year, easy. That's amazing. If there was a Wolverine doing this I'd put an autoreplace rule on my blog to change any mention of the word "defense" to immediately be followed by that. That beautiful vomiting bird.
Oh, God, the Big East. This section should really be dedicated to TCU and/or Stanford fans starting down the barrel of the Fort Worth Bowl or whatever because some sad-sack 8-4 team from the Big East is going to nab a totally undeserved BCS bid. The Big East itself is an eight-team blender in which any particular loss is another meaningless addendum to a meaningless season.
Michigan's defense continued to be entirely theoretical. While the reaction in the blogosphere was "what else is new," at one point Rich Rodriguez's neck disappeared into his torso as he did his best Bo Pelini impression:
That's some Planet Earth stuff right there. Random bullfrogs watching the game momentarily wondered why their egg sacks were all tingly and funny.
Rodriguez is probably wondering why he hired a man who brought a stuffed animal to the game so he could rub it on his linebackers' faces. That is not an elaborate metaphor. It is the literal truth:
This worked beautifully. Inspired by their senile old bat of a defensive coordinator, Michigan ran out on the field after the ensuing touchdown drive by the offense and gave up 24 points on the next four drives. Wisconsin didn't pass once. If Vince Lombardi hired Greg Robinson and Steve Addazio as his coordinators his football team would have conquered Idaho in the name of the communists within three weeks, only to lose it three weeks later when a bored troupe of girl scouts wandered by with thin mints. The newly communist republic of Idaho would see their military junta sliced to pieces by just three cookies. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
In Iowa City, meanwhile, the Hawkeyes blew another close one late and the director lingered on shots of sad coeds because that's just how guys doing Iowa games roll:
I know it's Senior Day and rah rah and all that shit. The fact remains that Iowa is 7-4 (4-3) in a year where they were picked in the preseason top 15, with four losses by a touchdown or less that played out in exactly the same way, with no answer from the staff or the players in any case. Also, FUCKING HATE WEEK BITCHES. So fuck the rah rah bullshit. Welcome to your life, Iowa fan. There's no turning back. Let it out here.
And this is rural America, people, where you can't bread and circus yourself:
Strip Clubs near Norfalk, Nebraska.
Although that's probably for the best. The Norfalk Gentlemen's Revue would be even more depressing than your fourth loss on a blown fourth quarter lead. It would be exactly as depressing as Michigan's defense because it would have the same disturbing mix of sallow-faced youth, broken limbs, and stunning incompetence.
Texas took on Florida Atlantic and destroyed them like you'd imagine Texas would, or at least would imagine Texas would in any other year, so we get a a one-week reprieve from Longhorn fans asking about the end of the world. Nebraska we covered, but how about a visit to Manhattan, where Kansas State just experienced a loss to a Colorado team down its head coach? A classic in its simplicity:
I'm sorry to be such a Debbie downer but my God how predictable and pathetic can we look. If I didn't love my cats so much maybe this crap wouldn't hurt so damn bad!
Elsewhere in Kansas, the Jayhawks are trundling along at 2-8 and just got clunked 48-14 by Oklahoma State. The Turner Gill honeymoon was over so long ago that it started before he got hired:
Gill is in so far over his head. We should be fortunate it's [the line against Missouri] not 50. With the lack of progress we've shown this season and the utter disappointment he has bestowed onto our football program, I wouldn't go to watch the game if they paid me. After he goes 2-10 next year, I hope the new AD fires him without hesitation.
Message board protip: throw in "utterly" in every other sentence.
Only three games this week but all were doozies when it comes to the 'freude. The Big Game saw Stanford throttle Cal 48-14 and set of an inter-blog war between Cal Golden Blogs and Excuse Me For My Voice, which latter objected to the characterization of Cal alumni as old and disloyal:
we could’ve played this game at the War Memorial Opera House and there’d have been more noise generated from the alumni. … Props to the students and the Cal Band for staying until the end of a tough one. Wish I could say the same for the so-called Cal fans on the other side of the stadium.
Oh no you di'in't:
A bunch of spoiled fans who don’t remember the era before Tedford wanted to find a scapegoat for a complete disaster of a game so they chose the alumni, because hey, they’re old and (slightly?) less drunk and introspection is painful so let’s just point a finger across the field and be done with it.
Further south in California, both UCLA and USC got humiliated, with UCLA losing 24-7 to Washington and USC going down 36-7 to an Oregon State team that headlined TWIS just last week for getting annihilated by Washington State. Only the Pelinis can keep Scott Tenorman away from the seriously pissed off you guys fanbases in Los Angeles. We've got a mainstream media sighting of the F Laden Report Card from Scott Wolf:
Matt Barkley's injury did not excuse an awful first-half performance and some really bad decisions.
Other than assorted penalties and sacks, the line did a pretty good job.
Lane Kiffin reassured no one that he was a better choice than Mike Riley. P.S. Here come the archrivals!
If that's happening in an actual newspaper I can't wait to see what the "Goatboy"-deploying nuts at that one message board are saying. Aaaand go:
GOATBOY finds himself in the hotseat of a team that's on probation and facing major sanctions. He isn't getting the sympathy he thought he would get. He's pissed off enough people over his short and silver spooned career where he has never won anything on his own that he doesn't have the usual tolerance most coaches get.
Could he be let go after just one season? IF he loses the next two games, this is now a possibility. Maybe that's what he was thinking when he had that blank stare on his ugly mug. He is in charge. No one else to blame.
There is just too much money involved for USC to just sit there and let the Kiffins destroy a program. Remember his current boss didn't and would never have hired him.
The only way Kiffin leaves USC after one season is if Barack Obama declares him the next president, which is a 50-50 shot. Elsewhere, this USC fan terrifies both local fanbases by asking if Kiffin is "USC's Dorrell."
Strong safety Tony Dye sat crying, seemingly oblivious to Neuheisel, who poked his head around the corner and said, "Got to keep your head up," to the players in that corner of the locker room.
And Daily News:
UCLA freshman defensive end Owamagbe Odighizuwa sat on the team bench with just minutes to play, eyes bulging, tears streaming down his face, screaming at his teammates.
"I refuse to give up!" Odighizuwa said. "I refuse to give up. This isn't over! It is not over!"
The Dorrell line has not been broached. Yet.
It was "let's all have a bye week" in the SEC, with three powers taking on I-AA schools or Troy, Tennessee dispatching horrible Vandy, and three teams on actual byes. The only actual competition this week was LSU squeezing by Ole Miss in the usual fashion, except now LSU fans can't even be mad about it…
A few short weeks ago the consensus on the rant was Miles should be fired. A few wins later and everyone loves him again. On a scale of 1-10 rate your opinion on how good Miles is as our coach.
I give him a 9/10
…and Arkansas getting a double-OT win over Mississippi State that the usually put-upon Bulldogs can't even be mad about. But next week we've got an Iron Bowl so we'll make it up then. For now here's this Ole Miss fan who wants to die:
Until next week, which is the last week until the bowls.