Joe Paterno is, like, the worst cellphone pitch man ever.
That's from a disastrous radio interview with WDAE-AM in Tampa, where host Steve "The Big Dog" Duemig on his radio station, which is probably named "The Ticket" or "The Fan" or "The SPORTSulator," attempted to communicate with Joe Paterno via telephone earlier this week. It goes terribly.
The reception could have been the usual AT&T lottery, or Joe Paterno's ears may just be suffering the slings and arrows of old age, but I would remind you that houses tethered to balloons headed to Paradise Falls tend to get terrible cellphone reception. You can hear, ever so faintly in the background, the sound of a dog yelling "Squirrel! Squirrel!" That is Jay Paterno, and he is your friend and loves you because you are his master. If you don't get any of these references, good: it means you have not been emotionally molested by the movie Up, and are thus still emotionally whole. We'll be over here crying for the rest of the morning if you need us.