This Week In Schadenfreude: Excuse Nebraska While They Have A Seizure

Wrong finger, Bo.

Cornhusker fans have a SEIZURE on the FRIGGING ground, the Bearcat gets arrested, Arizona fans deploy more stars than letters after losing on an OT missed extra point, and UCLA fans want everyone fired, including me and you and everyone else who's ever even thought about Bruin football.

Championship week is always a little light around here since games mostly come to a halt and only one team can be disappointed in most conferences. This strips a section below bare but someone has to win the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness and it's the group that ran out to a 17-0 lead in their last-ever game in the Big 12 only to blow it. Nebraska went from the BCS to a game against Washington, lost possibly its last-ever meeting against Oklahoma, and picked up Scott Tenorman of the Week.

Surprisingly, this isn't actually it, but it is one of the guys from Corn Nation who doesn't think much of his offensive coordinator:

Post Game - 2010 Big 12 Championship Shawn Watson Idiot Thread

Photo_6_tiny by Jon Johnston on Dec 4, 2010 8:48 PM PST

Nebraska loses the 2010 Big 12 Championship game.

Call it what you want. Me? Shawn Watson - moron.

You know what I want for Christmas? A Nikon D7000.

Problem - at this point in time, I can't afford a Nikon D7000.

You know what Shawn Watson wants for Christmas?

Oregon's offense.

Shawn Watson can't afford Oregon's offense.

Difference?

I'm not a complete moron.

I'm not exactly sure what the analogy is here—Taylor Martinez is a closer comparison to Denard Robinson than Oregon's QB-run-light attack, but it does get the point across. It does not actually win STotW, though. This comment does:

what the FUCK

are we doing? Has watson not FUCKED us in every close game for the years he’s been here? Could bo please pull his head out of watson’s ass, shower the shit off, and give him the hard boot? Excuse me while I go have a fucking SEIZURE on the ground for fuck’s sake

by Mactruck on Dec 4, 2010 9:08 PM PST

That last sentence is immaculate.

Elsewhere, someone says he will "go ahead and say" that he will "never forgive Martinez" for an endzone interception that gave the game away, which I hope is true. I hope he's on his deathbed in 50 years and his wife leans in close and he says "goddamn… Taylor Martinez… interception… EEEEEEEEEEE."

The abbreviated week in spleen…

ACC

Florida State made it to the ACC championship game in their first year under Jimbo Fisher but lost by 11 once there—they were probably confused by all the "people" in the "seats." First year coach minus starting quarterback plus a decent improvement over the old regime and one of those bowl things leads to posts like "Who Do You Blame For This Catastrophe" getting replies like…

I blame Tyrod Taylor and the VT offense! Damn them! That's probably a top ten football team. Without two strange loses they might be in the hunt for a NC. We're a year or two away.

…and:

I blame you.

Tomahawk Nation says FSU was "simply overmatched" and looks ahead with hope and optimism to 2011. Awesome. Also boring. Moving on…

Big East

Cincinnati fans don't exist, and neither do people who hate Cincinnati. There are some scattered Buckeyes annoyed at last year's "Ohio's BCS team" ad campaign, which is as close as you'll get. But if you haven't seen the Cinci Bearcat get arrested at halftime of the Pitt game yet, you've missed the Mad Cackle Of The Year:

I will pay a million dollars if the Bearcat appears on "Intervention" in full regalia. This must happen.

Cincinnati lost 28-10 to fall to 4-8 one year after Brian Kelly took off for Notre Dame, by the way.

Big Ten

Illinois was the only Big Ten school in action, but fortunately they got Zooked by Fresno State 25-23 and once again put their coach on the hot seat, because that's what Ron Zook was born to do. That and have the punchiest coaching tree in all of football. Illinois blog A Lion Eye, previously featured in this space for doing that thing where he posts instantaneously after the game, did it in audio this time. A partial transcript:

[pregnant pause]

I don't care. It's ten minutes after the game ended and I can honestly say I don't care.

WOOOO.

On Illinois Loyalty, apathy and ref hatred is the theme of the day:

Pitiful . . .

A loss to a second rate university with a second rate football team . . . that says volumes about us.
That was fukin pitiful . . . . we don't deserve a bowl game, and I certainly won't attend if we do go . . nor will I watch

It says that Illinois is a first rate university with a basketball team. They had to go and get the short bus involved, too:

We were so one dimensional on offense, I'm astounded that we scored as many points as we did. And on defense . . . .well, let's just say the Special Olympics football Team can put up 50 on us through the air . . . we can't stop !!!! if the other team is throwing the ball.

Here too we have a dose of sunshine blowing, albeit rapier-style. Someone says this "sucks only slightly less" than Illinois's 3-9 2009, to which someone replies:

if this sucks "only slightly less than last year" then I would hate to have to try and make you feel any shred of happiness.

AHSIllini32 wins the internet.

Big 12

Covered above.

Pac-10

Arizona lost to Arizona State by a point. That point was an extra point, and it was missed in overtime. In the circumstances I find this a model of restraint:

****!


**** **** **** **** ****.....mothe3r****ing cock ****ing mother ****er ****ing asu ****bag fackhead mother ****ers
365 ****ing days of ****ing **** from these ****ers.

In marked contrast to Boise State's unwavering support of Kyle Brotzman, Wildcats have gone with the Fake Craigslist Ad over the Supportive Facebook Page:

Kicker/Punter (major University in Tucson)


Date: 2010-12-06, 10:40AM MST
Reply to: job-3qyh8-2098112764@craigslist.org

Major university in Tucson, Arizona is actively and urgently looking for a Football kicker/punter. Must have high school education, not yet earned a bachelor degree and have the ability to enroll as full-time student. Ideally we are looking for a current student who perhaps has not before considered themselves an athlete but has participated in intramural, high school or jr. high level playing.

In addition to the requirements listed above, must also have: (sorry, no exceptions):
Ability to punt at least 1-yard.
Ability to kick a ball from 3-yard line and at least 10 feet high.

Elsewhere in the league USC beat UCLA in a matchup of two of the twitchiest fanbases in America. It's time to Fire Everyone at UCLA:

Howland, Rick, and Dan G, all need to be canned.

Does anyone else see how far UCLA sports has fallen?

i remember a thirty year period when UCLA was a perenial top e a strict standard, 15 football program with few exceptions. We were almost always a threat to go tothe Rose Bowl. Today, we are an also ran with no hope of it changing anytime soon. 

Our basketball program has become a joke as well. Ben Howland found the exact players to work his odd system in his first few years. Now it is clear he can no longer do that.

Seriously, Fire Everyone:

FIRE NEUHEISEL, FIRE CHOW, FIRE BULLOUGH

Clean house and let's get a real coaching staff to make the most of the talent that we have here.

Fire Everyone:

I'd fire Neuheisel, Chow, and Bullough tommorrow AM

Then I'd get rid of the stupid uniforms and change to the Chargers uniforms....Maybe the bolts would make the difference....

I find it hard to believe basically any coaching staff Guerrero would be willing to pay for will ever turn this program into anything but the perpetual Pac X doormat its become...
Too bad....as many things as should be total positives for this program never pan out and the football product is horrible.....
It shouldn't hurt to be a UCLA FB fan but it does......Neuheisel does not deserve another practice, let alone another couple of years.....

And in an effort to up the emoticon levels to the minimum RDA standard:

9 TD passes...in 12 games!

It's a good way to get to be 4-8.  It's a good thing we are improving or I'd be upset.  rolleyesrolleyesrolleyes

Just give Rick a little more time.  eek1eek1eek1

Over at Bruins Nation, "embarrass" gets deployed in the post title, but actually refrains from demanding everyone including the mascot getting canned. One more year with eight wins is the goal or it's… "time to give him the ol' Karl Dorrell treatment." We have reached Rick Neuheisel DEFCON2, with the only remaining hurdle a direct comparison somewhere on the internets.

SEC

When you lose to Cam Newton it's not exactly surprising, but 56-17… eh… probably could have been better. South Carolina got obliterated in the SEC Championship Game, prompting an array of "oh wells" and one guy not happy about the secondary:

South Carolina Secondary An Abomination; OBC Quit When Gamecocks' Hope Dwindled

Forevertothee_tiny by Skulls and Spurs on Dec 5, 2010 8:50 AM PST

I'm not going to individually bash amateur players on a forum such as this one, but the entire secondary consistently displays horrific cover skills, and our guys have been more out of place on many pass plays than a vegetarian at a meat eaters' convention.

Abomination? Abomination? South Carolina is the No. 93 pass efficiency defense in the country. You want an abomination I'll show you Michigan's pass defense, which is… 96th. Right. Carry on.

I'm not so on board with going for it on fourth down when you're down 49-14—at that point who cares—but the old OBC would have gone for it.

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