This Week In Schadenfreude: F Minus Infinity For Texas

Texas babes hit their head and say OMG for obvious reasons. BC's offensive coordinator writes a breakup letter to his quarterback. West Virginia looks into hiring TRAIN MONKEY, and Notre Dame... oh, Notre Dame.

The crazy upset of the week was also the last time anyone from UCLA will set foot in Austin if the Texas athletic department has anything to do with it. But it's too late for 2010, and it must grind even worse that a bunch of powder blue wearing panty-waisted jackaninnies rolled into Austin and beat the 'Horns silly with the pistol formation. Pistol == gun == something everyone in Texas has five of and is considering using either on themselves or the nearest fuzzy animal after whatever that was.

Texas gave up 29 passing yards and lost by more than three touchdowns. The grades are in:

Game Report Card

QB - F
RB - F
TE - F-----
OL - F
DL - F
LB - F
CB - F
S - F
Coaching - F-------------
Special Teams - F * Infinity

That reminds me of Kenyon Rambo.

How about a classic You Think You Have It Bad, I Live In The Territory Of [Hated Rival] post?

Look on the bright side: at least you're not in Oklahoma like I am

Or maybe you are. In which case, I am probably going to kill myself soon, and you are welcome to join me.
But most of you are not, so consider yourself blessed.

I watched our shitshow of a game yesterday at a sports bar full of drooling obese OU c***suckers. Luckily our game was too early for them to be drunk enough to start shit, but it was still uncomfortable. I felt like a kid at a child molester convention. Interestingly enough, I'm pretty sure that most of the people in this bar were child molesters.

So just remember, when you think you've got it bad, there is always someone out there who has it worse: me
And this rule does not apply to me, because nobody has it worse than me. UT football will eventually get back on track, but I'm living in Oklahoma for the month.

Also recommended is the picture thread "Our defense vs our offense," which this lady took in but did not like very much:

 Neau4z_medium

The Longhorns win the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness for Week 4. Now for the rest of the week in spleen…

ACC

If Virginia Tech is five points worse than James Madison that makes Boston College 24 ... uh ... points worse than a I-AA team. The natives are beginning to rue the standoffish AD and his quick trigger finger:

At 4:21 PM, Blogger Wiggle said...

…never in my wildest dreams did I envision a shut out; nor, see a BC team that had no answer to another team's blitzes. No end arounds, no side screens, no quick passes into the vacated areas, no nothing. It seems their offensive coordinator deserves most of the blame. First he had no game plan; next, he doesn't recognize how bad his quarterback is. Why can't we get a coach like that NC State guy?

Zing. Jeff Jagodzinski is laughing his ass off wherever he is after the BC athletic director canned him for interviewing with an NFL team. BC hired longtime defensive coordinator and confirmed ancient dude Frank Spaziani; Spaziani in turn unearthed offensive coordinator Gary Tranquill, who is even more ancient (70!); Tranquill is now writing confused breakup letters to his quarterback:

Here is the deal breaker: you just stare at other people.  It's ok to look. I actually think that you looking around makes things interesting for us.   But you. You just stare, and it is embarrassing me.  Virginia Tech thought they could score whenever they wanted because you just stared at other people and gave it up.

You say you are going to change, but you have been doing the same thing for well over a year now. You promised me you would change after you fell over yourself when we visited with Clemson. (Ohh how I have tried to forget that day.) You promised to change after we went on vacation to San Francisco, where your staring allowed those guys from Southern California to have their way.

That is totally a real thing BC's offensive coordinator wrote. Seriously.

Elsewhere, North Carolina beat Rutgers. They gained less than 300 yards of offense doing so, however, so "hhiheel86"—an executive!—is ready to man up:

I'm writing a letter to Butch Davis' office tonight to plead my case why he should either fire Shoop immediately or step down himself if he refuses to do so....I'm an executive myself, and when people hurt our efforts, I coach them, train them, give them another shot....when/if they fail over and over again, I fire them and replace them with someone I think will do a better job. Shoop is incompetent, and he must go. I encourage all that love Carolina Football to do the same....make our DISGUST known to our head coach directed at this IDIOT named John Shoop who is detrimental to our football program.

I want to hear his defenders....explain his brilliance....he single-handedly tried to give that game away.

I'm glad I'm not in NJ now....I'd attack Shoop myself (I'd like to think I wouldn't, but I'm so mad right now I know I would...I DESPISE him).

Hello, John Shoop. I am the vice president in charge of beating you up. I wish to deliver you pain. I am also this week's Scott Tenorman of The Week.

Big East

Pitt lost 31-3 to Miami and it wasn't even that close. I don't care about Pitt at all and I was angry at their all-encompassing incompetence. In the aftermath people stop being politcally correct and start getting real:

Time to shave the 'stache...

The guy is mildly retarded.  We'll never win with him as our coach.  I'm done.

This spurs an exchange below the OP:

TRUEPITTFAN wrote: And how is this DW fault.  WE GOT OUR ASS KICKED BY A BETTER TEAM!
AceMcToole: Is this a joke?  What do you think DW's job duties are?  His duties are not limited to standing on the sidelines, looking stupid, saying stupid stuff at the half and having a weekly talk show.

This is news to TRUEPITTFAN; it's probably news to Wannstedt, too.

(HT: @Worstfan)

Just across the Pennsylvania border, the second-most combustible fanbase in college football lost to the national #1 as West Virginia got Patrick Petersoned 20-14. I don't even know what this means:

Fire Mullen Now

Train monkey could have called a better four down set

by WVUDIEHARD1976 on Sep 25, 2010 9:19 PM PDT

Train monkey?

 Sullenengineer_medium
via www.richgonzales.com

What?

Elsewhere in that thread, it dawns on a WVU fan that hiring Opie to be your coach is not so good of any idea:

Pretty cool watching a game where 2 head coaches cling to their pathetic offenses as their programs rot around them.

That was a Don Nehlen game. Play retarded and get behind early. Fight back, only to lose. No idea how to use your talent on offense. Bad special teams. The fans acting like its a moral victory. This is the late 90’s Mountaineers. We have reverted back to the pre Rodriguez era, but that’s what everyone wants I guess, because 177 yards of offense is acceptable as long as the head coach says he loves the hard working people of this state.

by The 25314 on Sep 25, 2010 10:23 PM PDT

Hire train monkey. He will get you more than 177 yards of offense. Do it. He is a monkey. The worst thing that can happen is that the coaching staff remains equally competent but stars in movies with Matt LeBlanc.

Big Ten

Notre Dame. Again. This time in the blunt fashion of a getting pistol whipping. Result:

I think its great that our aspirational peer
by reagan84 (2010-09-26 10:07:45)

with higher standards a**-raped us...What defense can our administration offer up? There is no doubt that Stanford has higher academic standards and less talentd players, but they hired a good coach

ND is run by people who would fail miserably outside academia, because they are dumb and set low standards and lack courage. We the Fighting Irish.

This week's theme is the irreversible secular decline of Notre Dame football. Example threads:

Q: how many Notre Dame fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: one, but one willing to stick around 20 years to see if the bulb's really out or just about to Return to Glory.

Elsewhere, people other than the MLBs are directed to "take their tampons out," Brian Kelly is "approaching the cliff's edge with a paper sack over his head" four games into his career, Kelly is a "disingenuous little prick," speculation is offered that ND's sellout streak will end against Western Michigan unless Bronco fans pack the place out "like Nebraska '00," and ND's 1-7 record in their last eight games is "approaching WSU quality football."

It's just another day on the Nation where "there comes a point where hope is just absurd." NDNation merges with CamusNation in 3… 2… 1…

In the actual Big Ten (note: no longer includes Minnesota), everyone played MAC or I-AA teams so the conference went undefeated—wait what?

A complete failure in all respects

Yes, Toledo, you deserve to be in the Big ten more than we do right now.

Yes, apparently Purdue managed to give up 31 points and 370 yards to what had previously been the worst offense in the country and lost by 11. Adding injury to insult, starting quarterback Robert Marve is out for the year with a torn ACL, where he joins Purdue's top tailback and receiver. Fun times in West Lafayette, if "fun" means "we're pretty sure we can't beat a team that lost to San Diego State":

It's official.

When you size up a group and you can’t spot the sucker…….it’s you. I disagree that we are better than Minnesota. I’ve seen enough to confidently say we will not win another game this season. …

by Hummel's figurines on Sep 25, 2010 6:40 PM PDT

Purdue-Minnesota would be the TWIS game of the year if Gopher fans weren't past it and drawing up lists of coaching candidates.

Big Twelve

Texas was covered above; the rest of the league won. Oklahoma did it narrowly against to-date terrible Cincinnati, however, yielding another edition of Mainstream Media or Raving Message Board Loon? As always, paragraph breaks, capitalization and swears have been normalized. Door Number A:

Twenty-eight carries for 67 yards. If I'm going to give the ball to my running back 28 times in a game, he better average more than 2.4 yards per carry. Not to mention the drops he had on the swing passes. Murray had an awful game. A friggin' joke.

Door Number B:

This was scary, and I'll tell you why. Because Oklahoma is a stupid football team. … It's an epidemic of dumb, from the quarterback to the bench to the friggin' coaches on the sideline, assistant offensive coordinator Jay Norvell in particular.

Confused? Door A is some guy on a message board. Door B is—surprise—Gregg Doyel.

PAC 10

Cal fans have a simple request for the ineffable greater power:

God, please fire M. Night Shyamalan

P1_marshawn_tiny by TwistNHook on Sep 26, 2010 7:22 PM PDT

Nice try, Creator and Destroyer Of All!  Trying to throw a big twist in at the end of the game there with the whole "Under-dog Cal team controls game on the road against 14th ranked Arizona Wildcats, but increasingly tired defense gives up score with less than 2 minutes to go to lose."  But we've seen that twist before.  Dude(tte?), we all knew that was coming.  When it was 6-0, we all knew Cal would lose 6-7.  And when it was 9-3, we all knew Cal would lose 10-9.  It was like getting punched in slow motion over the course of 3 hours. 

Cal fans have put in a request for "new and exciting ways to be roasted alive," something CGB user Redonkulous Bear has a solution for:

Cyoacal2_medium

This man wins the internet. Meanwhile, during the game EXHORTATIONS are EXHORTED to the INTERNET:

YOU GUYS BETTER BE ON YOUR FEET. STOP TYPING AND START SCREAMING

I MEAN IT.

by dmo580 on Sep 25, 2010 10:00 PM PDT

These instructions are FOLLOWED to DISASTROUS EFFECT:

ugh, i took your advice and puked all the beer out of me

by danniedarko on Sep 25, 2010 10:01 PM PDT

And then they lost. College football: sometimes not worth it at all.

SEC

Georgia's 0-3 in the SEC and just got housed by Mississippi State. It's never good when you lose to a "State" school that's not even named after a state. After last year's iffy campaign, Georgia fans are split into teams. TEAM EMO is on twitter:

*uses broken High Life bottle to slice own femoral artery*

That's just one of ten ways aewsome has murdered him/her/itself in the hours since the game ended.

TEAM BATSHIT INSANE is on meth:

Maybe we need an a__hole like Lane Kiffin, instead of a nice guy like Richt. At least he’s winning. And he’s doing it with sanctions.

*(UGA has an enormous and excellent blogosphere filled with people who never fly off the handle. Last year they offered nothing worthy of this column, leaving me to plumb the fertile depths of the also-thriving UGA message board scene.)

Next week: Florida or Alabama is pissed off. Notre Dame probably wins a game. The Big Ten plays actual opponents: each other.

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