Athletes of the world : please stop giving this man your attentions and your jerseys. He is not a fan of your school. He is not loyal. Oh, he may whisper sweet words into your ear, and promise you sensual seductions of sports loyalty. He may spell out his name rhythmically in an effort to hypnotize you into thinking he enjoys your team.
He does not love your team. He is in fact a mentally ill man operating under the delusion he is under attack by soul-eating alien space demons, and that the only thing protecting him from imminent doom is the wearing of a sports jersey, the only substance aliens cannot digest. He also has the powers of prophecy, since he predicted he would turn into an old Doberman in 1992, and now finally has accomplished this feat.â†µ