College Football SitRep, Week 7: RIP, Red Jacket Dave And The Sport Itself

CHAMPAIGN, IL - OCTOBER 15: Nathan Scheelhaase #2 of the Illinois Fighting Illini is sacked by John Simon #54 of the Ohio State Buckeyes at Memorial Stadium on October 15, 2011 in Champaign, Illinois. Ohio State defeated Illinois 17-7. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

The list of college football's unblemished squads was trimmed by three on Saturday. Spencer Hall surveys the damage.

CASUALTIES

PRESUMED DEAD:  RIP, Red Jacket Dave.

While unfortunate, the profession of combat photographer is an admittedly dangerous one, especially when covering a theater as volatile as that which Arizona State is working in. The presence of Vontaze Burfict is by itself enough to merit special caution for all personnel. (Commander Burfict committed two war crimes last night. One is considered valid; the other, a trumped-up, politically motivated charge due to his simply being in the area.)

ADDITIONAL KIA: The sport of football, killed stone dead first by the Michigan/Michigan State game, then by the Ohio State/Illinois game, and finally by the Florida/Auburn game. It is recommended that units do not allow the circulation of battle footage or photos to the media. Atrocities are not good for our business. Maryland, who in perfect position to execute the infamous "Tommy Bowden Maneuver" and outflank a superior Tigers squad botched attempt badly, and then ran out of ammunition in a firefight. 

SPECIAL ACTION REQUIRED. Competence of Brig. Gen. Zook, in question after attempting a 4th and 2 conversion with a minute or so left in game when a field goal would have given Illinois more outs in a bad numbers situation. Prior battlefield management issues merit special attention to this case.

RETRAINING REQUESTED: Officers arguing after cessation of hostilities in Nashville. Poor form may require retraining in etiquette and conflict resolution.

TAKEN HOSTAGE: The jockstraps of an entire defense, last seen in Oxford, Mississippi.

Please file Rebel Leader Nutt under "missing in action," if you did not do so two months ago.

WOUNDED. Sgt. Darron Thomas for Oregon, knee. Battle-readiness is a question, but substitute Cpl. Bryan Bennett served admirably while Thomas was tended to by medics. South Carolina unit's Lt. Marcus Lattimore, severely sprained leg sustained in behind-the-lines action against Mississippi State.

LOGISTICAL ISSUES, SUPPORT REQUESTED: Oklahoma State and Clemson units have gone rogue. Advise on tactics to corral undefeated squads dangerously close to fulfilling promise in final month of season. Motivation requested for Oklahoma as troops appeared slow to respond to commands during engagement with surprisingly game Kansas forces.

INTELLIGENCE REQUESTED: Please inform as to origin of "surprisingly game Kansas forces." Additional reports requested on the following topics: theoretical possibility of Alabama or LSU taking a single casualty, verification of total loss of Georgia Tech unit in Charlottesville on routine scouting mission, Texas A&M Cavalry Unit's spending valuable time and resources slaughtering bears, and confirmation of Kansas State Wildcat unit suffering no losses in 2011. This last is of particular importance due to its improbability and the advanced age of its commanding officer, Lt. General Snyder. (Command is concerned about his ability to survive the stresses of being this successful.)

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION: Boise State tested weapons of mass destruction on animal subjects (rams) in Ft. Collins. Massive animal life lost as a result. Stanford conducted similar tests on cougars in Pullman; results were similar. Alabama and LSU units conducted methodical sweep of Tennessee and Mississippi areas; massive losses reported in both areas. Beleaguered Colorado Buffalo now approaching extinction after Washington engagement. Wisconsin conducted expected extermination of Indiana Hoosiers Expeditionary Force.

OBJECTIVES ATTAINED: Boise, LSU, Oklahoma, Alabama, Stanford, Oklahoma State, Wisconsin. All advance to next engagement without casualties.

PLEASE ADVISE: Commander Chip Kelly on crowd management in civilian/military interactions.

Additional press training may be required for General Art Briles, as well.

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