DALLAS, TX - OCTOBER 8: Kenny Stills #4 of the Oklahoma Sooners catches a touchdown pass over Adrian Phillips #17 of the Texas Longhorns at the Cotton Bowl on October 8, 2011 in Dallas, Texas. The Sooners defeated the Longhorns 55 to 17. (Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images)
The SitRep for Week 6 examines the college football landscape after a number of blowouts. Texas, Florida, and Ohio State are all among the casualties.
Battlefield conditions: Perfect. Weather in the 50s and 60s, slightly overcast skies. Ideal battle weather all around the theaters of action.
Support issues: All over the place. Florida took severe casualties, the worst since the1996 Fiesta Bowl, thanks to a depletion of the quarterback, offensive line, wide receivers, and numerous other units. Children enlisted out of desperation to help; massive losses incurred as a result of facing superior firepower. Backup and reinforcements requested immediately.
Ohio State lost quarterback one (Lt. Braxton Miller). Quarterback two was deployed. Quarterback two (Lt. Joe Bauserman) engaged in highly unsuccessful aerial assault despite lack of qualified artillery personnel. Friendly fire resulted. Casualties were massive.
UCLA requests yet another quarterback after Sgt. Breihaut's fractured leg. Request formal inquiry into exactly what Major Neuheisel does to injure every single quarterback he receives from headquarters.
Dead: Early reports are still sketchy, but it appears action along the Red River resulted in complete losses for Longhorns Unit from Texas. More will be known once the fires are put out. Fires should stop burning sometime next month. Possible status for Florida, Ohio State, and General Mike Stoops' career as an officer after 37-27 loss to ghost unit Oregon State, who previously had been assumed K.I.A. in early Pac-12 play. Remains of Kentucky may not be recoverable.
Missing in Action: Pitt, last seen sailing into action on the banks of the Raritan river against units from Rutgers. Miami's run defense. The entire Auburn offense, declared MIA after vanishing sometime in third quarter in action against Arkansas. Florida State Seminoles declared missing in action after losing contact with humanity on routine training mission against Wake Forest. Revise battle-action status for unit, and consider further training before promotion to "back" status.
Commendations and Advisories
Battlefield Citation: Lt. Nick Foles, who ran out of bullets in defending his position before perishing against the Beavers. As he had in every single engagement this season, Foles fought singlehandedly to keep his unit alive despite having no weapons and no support fire from his unit. He died bravely, and will be buried with all honors.
Issues With Perimeter Control: Air Force and Notre Dame units exhibited troubling lack of defensive control, tallying 1,125 yards of offense and 60 first downs between the two teams. Retraining and reprimands recommended all around on defensive squads. 70 points allowed by Kansas indicative of traumatic failure at all levels of command. Recommend replacement of Lt. Gen. Gill immediately on grounds of incompetence.
Weapons of Mass Destruction: Oklahoma State (multiple nuclear devices dropped on defenseless Kansas), LSU (neutron bomb, target Florida), Stanford, Alabama, Southern Miss (must investigate successful campaign against Navy squad).
Objectives taken: Oklahoma, Alabama, LSU, Oregon, Stanford, South Carolina, and Boise State all successfully performed missions without incident. Units from Kansas State and Illinois report "no losses"; claims seem fantastical, and will require investigation.
Special Note Regarding Wildlife: Soldiers operating in Louisiana theater: be advised that the honey badger is not friendly, and has been known to charge animals much larger than it. We repeat: ANIMALS ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. This is something you must not forget.