This Week In Schadenfreude: Ole Miss's Miraculous Upset (No, Not At Football)

Burn it all. Void your checks. Dump your emoticons. Hire the devil, or stop getting beat up by the devil. Stop being Clemson, stop playing your rivals, stop everything. The season's over. And we're all furious.

With heads rolling across the country, downtrodden fanbases turn from loathing their current regime to pining for Mike Leach, and the sledding gets tough because people are busy talking about future championships instead of current indignities.

So thank God for Houston Nutt. He's dead and so is his athletic director because the pit of suck they've sunk Ole Miss into is such a tar-laden cornucopia of indignities that the fanbase remains at maximum wroth. A single gamethread on Red Cup Rebellion yields two Rant of the Year candidates.

The first is this year's finest example of pure hatred directed at essentially unpaid players not named Joe Bauserman. And everyone else:

I'm out.

I told my wife I’d stop watching when we went down by 20. So that’s it for me this football season.

I just want to say f--k these guys. F--k this whole team – players, coaches, staff, administration, f--k the f--king towel boys. You’re all a bunch of no-trying, non-caring c--------s who have humiliated this school for more than two years.

If it was up to me you’d all have to walk back to Oxford from Starkville in the goddam rain.

You’re a disgrace. Take off the unis and forget you ever wore them. I will.

by RobRob9 on Nov 26, 2011 5:08 PM PST via iPhone app

That's right: this was painstakingly punched into SBNation's lovely and talented iPhone app, one auto-completed curse at a time.

And then there's this, which manages to top the above:

F--K THIS.

What the hell does it take to be competitive? I had to change the damn channel. This is the most pathetic s--t team I have ever witnessed. It burns my eyes to watch. F--k Houston Nutt. He doesn’t even give two s--ts. We should have run that goofy son of a b---h out of town the second game of the season.
I’m sick of "winning the party." F--k That. I wanna win the damn game. I’m sick of people saying "Well… we’re better than them." Really? REALLY?
I hate that our fan base is so damn divided that we argue over a damn mascot or attack anyone who tries to support it. I hate the new revised version of FDWL.

Maybe this is the alcohol ranting but it’s just so damn frustrating that our team, fans, administration, and coaches are apathetic to the point of this f--king mediocrity. No, it’s worse than that. It’s abysmality. And I know that’s not a f--king word.

We need a football savior. I just want people to give a damn.
Sorry for ranting y’all. I just cant yell "F--KING F--K!!1" in my living room.

by Reb on the Rez on Nov 26, 2011 6:32 PM PST

A "Desperately Seeking Syniker Taylor" responds to this:

People need to make "It Gets Better" YouTubes for us.

Does it? I mean… at this point you have to ask that question.

Here is a strange man taping himself in his car saying that Ole Miss "does not want what you [Nutt, that is] have" and that Ole Miss needs to go about things in a more Christ-centered way so the football team does not get "beat up by the devil."

So… yeah. Ole Miss, somehow your giggity giggity has led you to the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness on the last day of a dismal year when you should be outside shooting something you have a permit to shoot. The entire fanbase is awarded Scott Tenorman of the Week. Well done.

The rest of the week in spleen follows.

ACC

One of these days, Clemson is going to follow up their hot start with something other than an ignominious collapse against teams they have no business losing to, let alone losing to by 30 points. One of these days, Clemson is going to ride that hot start all the way to a national title game. Leading 31-7 in the third quarter, Clemson's robot head coach will feel a shadow pass over his face and look up at a society-destroying meteor headed for the 50-yard line.

Until then, Clemson will be Clemson.

Clemson-sad_medium

(Screengrabs via 30FPS.)

Don't Focus on Results, You'll Just be Miserable.

3 in a row. 3 in a row is utterly unacceptable at Clemson. As far as I'm concerned, Dabo can take Kevin Steele and get the f--k out of town if this is going to be the norm under his watch. Yes, for those that are about to complain, I would trade a ACCCG for a SC win, but to treat this game, for 3 years straight, like it doesn't matter? Unacceptable. Clemson does not lose to SC. That is the Alpha and the Omega. If Dabo Swinney does not get this simple fact straight, which his otherwise worthless predecessor did, he can leave town now and save us the trouble of firing him later.

And Miami will be Miami. Nowadays that means losing to Boston College in a near-empty stadium. Never has one football program been better summed up by a screen cap than Miami and this:

Miami-lol_medium

All that glitters has seen better days.

Big East

Pitt's final Backyard Brawl went poorly. Up 20-7 they lose 21-20, leading Pitt Blather to reappropriate an Old Bloom County:

Bloomcounty2012pitt_medium

via www.pittblather.com

Click for big. It is worth it.

Meanwhile, Burn It All.

I am a Pitt grad. I am a Pitt man.

I hate his. Tiny is not a D1 QB. He is not. 20-7 and LOSE?! F that. F that. I just came in from the backyard. i burned all Pitt geaar.. ALL OF IT. ALL OF IT.

Comment by Pitt It Is 11.25.11 @ 11:23 pm

ALL OF THE BURNS.

Syracuse in a headline:

Cincinnati 30 - Syracuse 13: Orange Get Pead On

In a lolcat:

by Jeepers44 on Nov 26, 2011 10:44 PM PST

Big Ten

If Michigan lost to Ohio State, the Will Hagerup gif you've already seen would have been this entire column. They did not, but it still demands inclusion:

The-mortified-punter1_medium

via gif.mocksession.com

If you hate punters, that's it. That's the high point of your life.

As for the other side in that game, yeah, Ohio State lost to Michigan for the first time since I was four years old. Then they hired Urban Meyer. Screw those guys. There was a brief window of disgust, though, so let's spin through it.

Spiking on third down… I don't even know, man.

Good riddance to the most pathetic coaching staff

    ever assembled at Ohio State. You made Ohio State look like a joke this year. The stupid and moronic decisions this staff has made throughout the year has been unbelievable. Urban Meyer can not be announced soon enough and he needs to get rid of every pathetic coach that was apart of this team this year. Please would a reporter ask them why waste a down on 3rd when you need every single down at the end of the game! Tomorrow can't come soon enough and today can't get over soon enough. If you defend Fickell and this staff over getting Urban then you need to go root for another team cause 2011 was not Ohio State football

Michigan pretended the ball was a grenade at the end of the game, shocking Buckeyes used to a decorous rivalry that emphasizes the dignity of the proceedings:

Normally Im all Big Ten in the bowl season.. BUT I HOPE YOU GET YOUR ASS KICKED MICHIGAN ALL OVER THE FIELD, AND ILL BE CHEERING FOR THE TEAM YOU PLAY, now get over that and cry yourself a river

I will try. Anything else?

AND WHILE YOU ARE AT IT PUT YOUR COACH ON A DIET BEFORE HE HAS A DAMNB STROKE OR SOMETHING HE IS A FAT ASS

That's under advisement, too.

SORRY BOREN HATES YOUR ASS, HE IS GLAD HE IS A BUCKEYE AND HIS FATHER WHO PLAYED FOR YOU GUYS IS ASHAMED OF YOU ALL, YOU ARE NOT MICHIGAN THAT WAS BO WHO HIS FATHER PLAYED FOR, YOU ARE SOME SECOND RATE RIP OFF TEAM ACTING LIKE MICHIGAN

When Michigan lost the Borens, they lost everything.

Also, OSU fans were mad that Denard pretended to eat.

Drob was totally classes the whole game with the eating thing,What a total punk!I guess that's just how Michigan fans our,win one time in 8 years and don't know how to act!

: (

Iowa almost got shut out by Nebraska. BHGP's weekly "Takeaway":

My entire takeaway is this: F--k this season.

If you want slightly more detail via which this end was achieved:

Vandenberg's offensive strategy today

by Xarin on Nov 25, 2011 12:15 PM PST reply actions   1 recs

Big Twelve

Losing your potentially last-ever game against Texas on a last-second field goal after a season on which you've watched your team blow leads massive and slender time and again… not a real good time. As a bonus Texas A&M is now hated by its old conference, its new conference, and anyone who cares about college football making sense.

That includes me, so sympathy around here is low:

As I sit here and write this this morning, I am still physically ill over the events that transpired on Kyle Field last night.  I may end up regretting what I am about to say as I have taken a personal vow to never in a public display question our leadership and direction at Texas A&M and it's athletic programs, but I feel like now more than ever it needs to be said and if it helps one single person get closure from the events that occurred last night, than it was well worth it. …

There are no excuses for what happened last night and the events that have taken place this season.  Not when games play out like a movie you have already seen numerous times from September all the way into November on Kyle Field's hallowed grounds no less.  Turnovers.  Penalties.  Missed blocking assignments.  Inept tackling.  Lack of execution.  Being outplayed and outscored in the third quarter after half time.  Horrible play calling and play design.  Lack of focus.  And most importantly something that should shake every single Aggie to the core:  LACK OF HEART AND DESIRE.

I mean, whatever. I only wish both sides of the dysfunctional sibling rivalry that has throttled a half-dozen longstanding rivalries and ballooned the SEC and ACC to a ridiculous 14 teams each could have lost on the last play, poop-slapping meme or no.

Although I do enjoy a spin through TexAgs thread titles:

NEW A&M HEAD COACH... ME

The Devil



Texas A&M Aggies,

Yes it is I... The Devil. I am here to announce that I have accepted the position of Head Football Coach of your beloved Aggie Football team. I know many of you have prayed to that nerd upstairs time and time again hoping he will answer you but to no avail. Well, the reasoning is simple... God hates you guys. How have you not figured that out the last 25 years?! I hate you too, but I'm always open to listen to an offer... And enough of you have made arrangements with me that I will now take on this massive challenge. Oh and I heard you guys are a Cult which was a HUGE selling point. Groupthink makes my job a lot easier.

I do have some contract stipulations to which I will now list:
1.) My deal is 6 years for $6.66 million dollars. The truth is I'm already Oprah Rich but of course I demand to be the highest paid coach in the game, and I have a thing for 6's... THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE.

2.) Kyle Field will be renamed THE INFERNO!

3.) In addition to my monetary payments, I demand you sacrifice a virgin to me on the 50 yard line of THE INFERNO! Apparently you have an awful lot of these in your Corps so this should not be a problem.

4.) 12th Man TV will be EVEN LOUDER and have MORE ADS. I invented advertising in the late 20's when I went through a terrible breakup and needed a creative outlet. I stand by my solid work.


Bill Byrne get to working on my contract or I'll put you in a really crappy location once you get here.

DEVIL OUT

A&M is already 6-6, and got there in the most painful way imaginable… Mike Sherman may already be the devil.

Pac-12

We say goodbye to Bruins Nation for at least a few years as UCLA kicks the tires on a new coach in the aftermath of a 50-0 loss to USC and Rick Neuheisel's departure, but man, they go out with a bang. This is the most Bruins Nation headline of all time:

Blame Dan Guerrero’s Indecision for Rick Neuheisel’s Latest Tragicomic Delusions

I mean, right there. That's it. 

BN has taken to calling the athletic director "Chianti Dan" and are calling for his firing, too, after he made some ludicrously supportive comments in the aftermath of 50-0. Hopefully that's a way of implying UCLA's athletic director is a cannibal. It probably isn't… at least not until they read this post.

Elsewhere in the burning wasteland of UCLA athletics:

First - I re-opened the outgoing mail from Friday which contained our quarterly check for the UCLA Fund. I voided the check but didn't throw it away. It isn't a lot of money compared to Guerrero's salary but its what we can afford to give back for each of our educations at UCLA:

Ucla_check

Ucla_shirt

Their uniform stunt is bombed:

This decision ranks with Ford’s production of the Edsel or Shelly Long’s choice to leave "Cheers" to make "Troop Beverly Hills" as industrial strength failures. Was it for the surprise and shock value which was going to rattle our opponents? In my opinion, that ploy would only work if we were playing children with some sort of phobia having to do with longjohns.

UCLA is the most U MAD fanbase in the country, but… you know, it's not like they're wrong at this point.

SEC

Arkansas leapt out to a 14 point lead on LSU before realizing they were Arkansas, at which point it was 41-3 the rest of the way. Les Miles kicked a field goal late, causing Bobby Petrino to join Brian Kelly and Bo Pelini in the pantheon of TWIS-featured coaches for wishing Miles a nice day:

My expert lip reading skills indicate he said "flip you, buddy, flip you." If that makes a lot less sense than swearing at the guy, please remember I am an expert.

Tennessee lost to Kentucky for the first time since the mid-80s, and then this happened:

…we've listened to departing seniors Tauren Poole and Austin Johnson talk about how the team quit on Dooley, didn't want to be out there or about how some of the younger guys only care about stats. We've seen Justin Hunter tweet something about being "done" and tried to read into the words of a 19-year-old that may mean absolutely nothing. We've watched Da'Rick Rogers get in a twitter battle with our fans.

In the aftermath, this is broached:

Kiffin >>>>>>>>>>>>> Dooley

And agreed with. By everyone. Except the Emoticon Meta Vomit guy, who abstains:

I think this is how the ancient Egyptians used to write.

Finally, we'll send the season off with a crescendo:

I am not spending another dime on vol football until we fire dooley !!!


I will not be spending a another dime on Tennessee football until Dooley is gone!! NOT A DIME!! Not on tickets,shirts,hats,memorabilia NOTHING. Im not even going to the orange and white game. THE BIG BOOSTERS HAVE ALOT OF SAY BUT THE AVERAGE FAN CAN HAVE SOME SAY TOO IF WE BAN TOGETHER.THEY WONT GET THE MESSAGE ANY OTHER WAY EXCEPT WE STOP THE FLOW OF CASH,PAINT THE ROCK,HANG SIGNS AROUND CAMPUS,ETC. THE ONLY WAY WE WILL GET A GREAT COACH IN HERE IS TO BACK UP THE BRINKS TRUCK.

(Bold original.) It's been real. Post-bowl TWIS in January, and then This Year In Schadenfreude a week after that.

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