This Week In Schadenfreude: Bama Scott Tenorman, In The Flesh

at least your boyfriend isn't blubbering in a heap next to you, ladies

'Bama gives us a literal Scott Tenorman. Radiohead does not think you're cool, and neither does your girlfriend. John Bunting is pined for. Super Tecmo Bowl is deemed too complicated for certain coordinators. A&M fans bring up poop some more. Denard Robinson is compared to Juice Williams. And someone wrote down their thoughts about a Boston College game as it was happening without exploding.

A note: schadenfreude is taking pleasure in other people's misery. There's none of that to be found in the Penn State story.

It was probably inevitable that the Game of the Century of the Century would feature above the fold in this column, and then some frat bro broke down on national television as his girlfriend chewed him out:

Protip: if you're going to cry at a football game, it's not a good idea to sit in the front row. Also don't pick your nose between plays. Get that business done during timeouts. You are all rookies compared to facepalm guy.

A successful team like 'Bama doesn't use the knives on the coaches—at least not much—but rather contemplates using them on themselves:

Like a poster said above I was pretty numb right after the game ended. But when I laid down to go to sleep, that is when all of the wasted chances started coming back. I have a hard time forgetting games like this, the games where you basically beat yourself.

I can get over this loss tonight-- LSU outplayed us when it counted and we lost to a better team. I will NEVER get over last year's game with the barn and our total collapse that came with it.

They'll be haunted by this forever, or at least until three years from now when they win another title. Right now, though, it's Exclamation Point Overuse Time:

The Ugly- My temperament!!!!!!!!! I won't denegrate any players, but man am I tempted. Shake it off and turn your sights to the rest of the season. Believe it or not, we still have a shot!

Most of the anger is directed at Tyrann Mathieu, who clotheslined Dre Kirkpatrick on a 'Bama punt.

me too.... my six year old son kept asking me what language I was speaking as I grumbled in anger mumbling my fury! A punch to another players helment is an automatic ejection anywhere else!!!

I'm not allowed to use that kind of language on this site.
In all seriousness though, he's a very gifted athlete who is also one of the biggest punks I've ever seen. He's mouthy, dirty, and a pothead, and I'm very glad that he's not on our team.

Never turn your back on someone whose mouth looks like a display case at Zale's.

Er. This is getting uncomfortable. Let's move on. Alabama receives the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness, Crying Frat Dude is Scott Tenorman of the Week, and the rest of the week in spleen awaits.

ACC

Like last week's Guy who taped himself watching Illinois's doomed last-ditch drive against Penn State, I do not understand what possible motivation could make a BC fan deploy a running diary for Boston College's matchup against Florida State. I am grateful all the same. Highlights:

9:07: BC’s third drive.  Run-pass-pass-punt.  Friend#3: "We’re 9 of 10 on play call so far."  Discussion ensues whether punts count if you called a three-and-out in advance.  Consensus is they do not.  So we’re 7 of 8 on play calls.

11:09 FSU 21-0.  Friend#1 leans over: "If it makes you feel any better, this is how I felt about UMass basketball for 15 years."  FYI-it doesn’t.

10:24 Media timeout.  Vigorous discussion of conditions under which we would leave game at halftime.  Consensus is 31-0 or worse, or 28-0 if we still don’t have a first down.  Personally I have not left a game at halftime since the Army debacle in 1995, but my spirit is broken and I consent.

I'm pretty sure they still want a new coach.

Also in the market for a new coach, albeit in a less voluntary manner, is North Carolina. In the meantime they're coached by anyone who the NCAA hasn't drawn a target on after the John Blake scandal. This interregnum hit a low point over the weekend with a 13-0 loss to NC State, UNC's mindboggling fifth straight.

Colon followed by someone losing their mind about this (emphasis mine):

I`M DONE, BRING ON THE NEW COACHING STAFF!!!!!!!!

This game was the whole last 2 seasons summed up in one game!! We got beat at our own game by a bunch of inferior players, who were coached by a superior coaching staff!! Hard words to except, but, the truth none the less.

I was possibly one of the last pro-Butch/Withers holdouts, but, after this unthinkable performance, I`m ready to get rid of the whole bunch, players who don`t care, coaching staff, all of them!!!! I don`t want players that cant find it in themselves to get up for a game of this magnitude! We need to worry about winning all of our rivalry games and beating in-state teams, before we can even think about conference and national titles!!!!
We also need a coaching staff with a sense of the rivalries and they`re importance. If after this staff is gone and players want to leave, so be it!!! We don`t need players that don`t love this school and being here!!! What good is it to have all of these great players, if they can`t be motivated to play!!!

At least, John Bunting loves Carolina and bleeds Tar Heel blue!! I bet this game just killed him!! Who knows, Maybe, we can get a big name coach, who can bring in some Tar Heel alums to coach. Maybe even coax John Bunting to be the Def. Co., bring Coach Thig. back. There`s got to be some good coaches out there, who went to this great school, that would jump at the chance to be on the staff at Carolina. Someone who could get these guys motivated to beat mooU!! GOD I`M SICK OF LOSING TO THIS BUNCH OF LOUD MOUTHED LOSERS!!!

That… that is a This Year In Schadenfreude candidate. This is like stumbling on a K-State fan pining for Ron Prince. Rant of the Week? Rant of the Week.

Elsewhere in Tar Heel fandom, it's time to bring out the big book:

Pathetic. Sorry. Uninspired.

My thesaurus is in the other room.

And deliver hyperbole. (Maybe.)

Worst called game on offense in the history of ACC football.

We just got shut out by a team that might not even make a bowl game. Pathetic is the only word that describes it. Disgraceful. Unacceptable. Horrible. Fire all the coaches. ALL of them.

That board has a "Thorp-o-meter" that is designed to be bumped anyone feels like UNC's chancellor should be fired for getting rid of Butch Davis. It's on page 28.

Big East

Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you're West Virginia and lose to Syracuse and Louisville over the course of three weeks and have to channel Nick Nolte to acquire anything resembling sanity:

Now I'll admit I don't know that much about football. All I really know is what I learned from that movie I was in with Shaq. He must be one tough dude. I don't think he ever wore pads. But anyway, I'll never forget a line from that movie. It goes a little something like this,"Every time I say it's a game, you say it's a business. And every time I say it's a business, you call it a game."I don't know what that means, really. But it's got a lot of angst to it. And I like that. It makes me wanna scream.Come to think of it, I don't believe Shaq was in that movie.

This makes perfect sense in the Big East.

Syracuse's buzz off that WVU win didn't last long. Despite scoring 49(!) points in that game, two weeks later we're back to the Super Tecmo Bowl playlist:

t6319860418_822c26a966

Exclusive look at Syracuse offensive coordinator Nate Hackett's playbook against UConn. Now it all makes sense...

Not content with claiming his OC provides only eight plays, TNIAAM reduces the set to five. At that point you might as well photoshop the original.

Losing to UL and UConn in back-to-back weeks will sap anyone's enthusiams, but is it just me or did 'Cuse fans flip from desperate to beat anyone to jaded in record time? TNIAAM dubs the Syracuse-USF game "The Battle of Who Could Care Less" when the Orangmen are one win away from bowl eligibility. What happened to the happy-go-lucky fanbase just hoping for that International Bowl bid?

Big Twelve

Texas A&M lost, so it's time to find some Aggies talking about doing things with poop you shouldn't do:

If we win today, we will not, then I will eat poop from my cat litter

Raptor



I'll video it, post it here, and enjoy us being bowl bound while I'm bowl bound to puke it up.

They're on to you, Raptor:

It's a total con job.
He eats poop from his cat litter anyway.

A&M got crushed anyway, which may be for the best:




Texas A&M is not ready for another JRS04-level let-down on poop bet fulfillment.

Even without a second poop bet fulfillment controversy—I should be surprised I am typing those words but… eh… I'm not since this is Texas A&M—things are looking down for certain overly dramatic elders:

Topic: I have closely followed a&m football for42yrs
posted 7:03p, 11/05/11this user's public profilesend private message to useredit this replyobject to this reply



And I have come to the conclusion that we should just drop football.Years of dissapointment and not meeting expectations has taken its toll. Even in the late 80s and early 90s we could never get over the hump.Face the facts we are a2nd tier program and are a joke to most who are not aggies. Ilove this school but Icant take the embarresment of football anymore

Probably a couple bourbons in there. Mr. Sad Guy is Emoticon of the Week, and the OP leads to our Exchange of the Week:

Nonregdrummer09: OP has won the meltdown trophy.
papadoc: guess I finally won somthing pertaining to a&m football

Meanwhile, the actual content of the thread comes in for a lot less heat than you'd expect. These are some depressed Aggies:

Really had a chance this season to build on some success. Prove we kind of belong. Nope. We proved we are 2nd Tier.
We like our role of second fiddle. Gives us something to yell about.
I'm thoroughly disgusted. Come on Byrne, Loftin, & whoever; pull the trigger & stop the bleeding.

It's over like it always is.

Big Ten

That burst of laughter you heard from the middle of the country at around 7 PM Saturday was the state of Iowa welcoming Nebraska to its corn-laden nightmares. Iowa's endured an inexplicable inability to beat the school they deride as "just Northwestern" for too long, but they may have passed their disease on to the 'Huskers.

Losing to Wisconsin is one thing. Gagging away a game to Northwestern is your true welcome to the Big Ten moment:

So, I was planning on going to church today, but I woke up still feeling crappy from my weeklong battle with the flu and since God clearly wears burnt orange pajamas to bed at night anyway, I figured it wasn’t really worth it.

At least you fit in

We are not a bad team, we are just not a consistent team. Same story, different year.
Edit -- seems to make us a perfect fit for the BIG. Anyone else see the Michigan score.

…and there's a different angle this time:

this is a milestone, we lost and there won't be one "Should Tmart be benched" thread. Refreshing, actually.

I did see the Michigan score. I did not like it. The second time around I managed not to spit a paragraph of comically bleeped swearing out, so I do not threaten to self-Tenorman. This is infinitely depressing, though:

Denard Robinson = Juice Williams?

I'm not off the Denard bandwagon.  I know a lot of people have started to turn on him, but there are worse people to be compared to.

Argh argh argh argh argh. Agree with response "this is the most terrifying title I have ever seen on MGoBlog" because it is no longer completely dismissible.

Aaaaargh.

umm lol... denard can throw? (Score:5 Normal)

lol Williams was a far better passer than denard is..

I could name more deep throws i saw williams complete in 1 game than denard has thrown all year

Argh argh argh argh. You can vote on comments on that board. Five is the maximum score. Argh.

Aaaaargh

You're right --  this topic is utterly "f'ed."  Juice Williams beat Ohio State.

AAAARGHBBLGGOG

The "comprehensive rant thread" is a goldmine, and by "goldmine" I mean "AAARGHGLBLG":

Binge drinking (Score:3 Normal)

is right.  I am married with children, but they are going to see some old school drinking tonight.  Like I want a hangover, a bad one.  I choose this path over cutting myself.

GAHHHHHH (Score:4 Normal)

WHY NO PASS INTERFERENCE EVER ON ANYTHING???

WHY IS AMAZING CATCH NOT A TOUCHDOWN??????

....

I am in the wrong thread because I am clearly not coping.

I wish cancer on the officiating crew.  The f---ing painful kind.

Yeah, that's probably enough.

Pac-12

No matter what you're enduring this year, at least you aren't Colorado*. This is the state of the CU program in the aftermath of a 42-17 loss to USC:

…the sentiment from the Buff Nation during the game in the stands, after the game at the tailgates, and on the radio on the drive home was that the Buffs had played one of the best games – if not the best game – of the season.

Has the Colorado program fallen so low that a 25-point loss, at home, before a national television audience on ESPN, is considered making progress? Has the bar been set so low that the only way the Buffs can fail to clear it is if they trip?

Asking rhetorical questions any reasonable observer instantly answers "hell yes" to is a tactical error. Especially when you lay it out like this:

USC finished with 561 yards of total offense, marking the fifth straight game in which an opponent has gained over 500 yards. The last time that happened? Never. In fact, in the 121 years of Colorado football, it had never happened more than three games in succession before this year.

At least it can't get worse, right?

*[Offer not valid in Lawrence, Kansas.]

SEC

A rare in-season firing gets Ole Miss off our radar for the rest of the year. Remember Rebel fans declaring This Cancer Goes All The Way To The Top, demanding not only Houston Nutt's ouster but that of the AD?

It is being reported by multiple sources that Houston Nutt will not be retained as head coach for next season. … It is also being reported that Pete Boone will be stepping down as the Ole Miss Athletics Director as soon as a successor is named

They win. They're happy. Next.

Up next is South Carolina, which watched its period in the top ten end with a resounding thud as Arkansas put up 44 on their vaunted defense. More exclamation points are warranted:

We will not beat Arkansas as long as Bobby Petrino is head coach. He OWNS Ellis!!! Our kickoff coverage sucks, and Demps or Rainey will return a kickoff for a TD next week. Spurrier is still paying for keeping on to that bum JOHN HUNT!!! You suck JOHN HUNT!!!

And so is fatalism:

back to being the gamecocks. they told us we couldnt and we didn't

And so is… whatever this is:

I seriously want to get a bat, dip it in napalm, light it on fire, and then beat a snowman to icy pieces.

I think we can make that happen.

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