You are warned. Some students at UGA decided to make a hype video for the SEC Championship Game against LSU on Saturday. It is here, and you can watch it if you're in the mood to be kicked in the eyes and ears for three minutes and forty-two seconds. For the rest of you, we have broken down the horrors of the video in a form safe for online consumption.
This guy. This guy has been at the University of Georgia forever. If you put a gray Confederate uniform on him, he's probably the dude who said "Fifty horses versus a hundred cannons? Sounds like odds to me, boys!" at some ill-fated moment in the Civil War. His hair was pomaded back in the 1940, and the mustache was skinnier, but he was there, putting bathtub hooch in a punchbowl at a sorority function. In the 60s he yelled at hippies, and in the '70s he wore their pants and listened to Eat a Peach while styling up a van with carpet on the interior. He named his children Tripp and Chad and Austin and now lives in Marietta. He plans on attending the University of Georgia forever, and then graduating to play golf and sell things to rich guys who also went to UGA. They will all go to the University of Georgia forever.
He is all of the things. None of these things is a rapper, ever, at any point in history.
Credit where credit is due: the women have listened to enough Trina and Gangsta Boo to at least let me know who they're imitating. That the Hope Scholarship likely helped pay for this and not the education of some poor farmer's kid in South Georgia is one of my proudest achievements as a Georgia resident.
WHOA SLOW DOWN THERE DOUBLE-TIME. This man at least has some rhyming ambition, if not the ability to lip-sync correctly or tie a bow-tie properly. Andre Brie-thousand is pointing to something in the sky here. Unfortunately it is not a meteor streaking to end this video, and it continues.
OH COME ON. LIke you can't find an affordable keytar in a town as infested with hipster musicians as Athens. They'd probably sell you one as a three-for-one deal with a theremin and some clogging shoes you'd use instead of a drummer, because Tilly and the Wall just didn't do it right, bro. Again, the sun is glowering in the back not as a deliberately framed object, but because it wants to lash out with its fusion-powered rage and destroy the city of Athens for letting this happen.
--but seriously I just--
FINE. I'll notice that you have a little person in your video. I'll go a step further and say this: it's nothing special in SEC tailgates, by the way, since I have a personal streak of seeing a little person at every SEC school I have visited. It's not unique. In fact, I bet LSU has at least two little people who are traveling with them to Atlanta, and I would double down on them being the loudest, drunkest little people this side of Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones. Actually, it's going to be just like a Tyrion Lannister party, but with more butter and beads and Zydeco playing in the background, and in a room at the Sheraton Midtown that will have to be burned afterward.
(Please note: burn this video with that soiled hotel room.)